


A Place Between Heaven and Earth

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic Fluff, Frottage, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Pining, actor!dean - Freeform, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 12:30:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 70,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10465098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: Dean Winchester was an actor, a good one by most standards. He’d done his time though, and he was tired. Beneath the lights, before the cameras, he’d done what he was told. He’d played his part. Fresh starts come in all shapes and sizes. The Cubs called Avalon on Catalina Island their home during Spring Training just before each new season began. So, Dean Winchester thought that maybe it might be a good place for his own brand of new beginnings. It was 1951 after all. He was due.





	1. A Still Small Escape

**Author's Note:**

> This was written while I visited the actual island on which the story is set. I've taken many liberties with history and geography, even going so far as to avoid too much talk of such things so as to avoid outing myself as an amateur historian. The details about the Cubs were true. They did train there; although, I made Spring Training a tad longer than it actually was. The general tininess of the place is accurate. The fact that it was used for tons of films is true. The flying fish and the bison also exist. Other than that is all me being a writer.

 

 

The sunlight glistened off the harbor as the steamer ship pulled up to the pier. Santa Catalina was a small island just a little over 20 miles from the southern California mainland. The town of Avalon was even smaller than his old home town back in Kansas with just a few thousand people claiming it as their home. The street that ran along the shore was lined with shops and a couple of hotels. Set back from that street there were other streets that had small vacation homes here and there. In the distance one could see a baseball field. It was quaint and quiet and just what Dean needed.

 

He’d be happier if it wasn’t for Crowley standing next to him at the rail, looking smug. “Look, you said that it would be two months. I told Roger that I’d be back for his film in May. What do I tell him now?” Dean started pacing along the deck. Crowley was impeccably dressed in a tailored suit that accentuated his frame. His mustache was neatly trimmed. His smile was devilish. “Well?” Dean asked in a huff.

 

“You’ve barely given me a chance to respond.” This was how Crowley always was, calm with a side of calculating. Dean stared him down and waited for more. “Like I said, yesterday, you’ve signed a contract. You get to make a film in a gorgeous island setting. You said you needed a break. Well, I got you the out you’d been begging for. Now you get to stop looking for an escape. I got you this gig, and you can start showing me a little respect.” He arched up one eyebrow and added, “Or you can always find another agent willing to sign with an aging actor with questionable morals.”

 

“I’m at the top of my game,” Dean said as he puffed up his chest. He was in his thirties, and still getting offers, but Crowley wasn’t wrong. Even with recent issues cast aside what Crowley said was still true. Despite his present anger at him, Dean knew that Crowley worked hard for him, got him auditions with frequency. Dean knew when to back down.

 

“Be that as it may, you won’t be for much longer.” Crowley walked away from him, seemingly to let him ponder on that. Instead Dean stared out at the dock. Men moved swiftly and with purpose along it. They were going to tie off the ship just as soon as it came to a full stop. The ship was impressive. It was a large multi-decked steamer ship. The work of securing it was mesmerizing. Crowley came back to his side and said, “Well, we don’t want to be the last ones off.”

 

Dean glanced out toward the harbor. There were little white boats dotting the water around them. The Casino loomed large to the right. Dean still felt like he needed to make a point with Crowley. What he said was true, but he’d given Crowley quite a bit too. Plus, Dean Winchester was no slouch. He’d been making a respectable sum of money for the studio for some time. Crowley gave his elbow a little pull though and headed for the exit before Dean could conjure up another word on the subject.

 

Normally, they’d put him up in a hotel, but Crowley told him that the stay was too long to live out of a suitcase. He had gotten him a small bungalow on the edge of town. Crowley wouldn’t be staying on the island beyond the one night here and there. He had other clients after all. Instead, Dean would settle in, attend a few carefully selected parties, and follow orders--Crowley’s plan, not his. He had an assistant, and an expense account. It was looking like it would be an easy shoot, but if it was longer than two months, he’d be letting people down.

 

Dean walked alongside Crowley and said, “Look, I’m sorry. I know what you put into this job. I just made a promise to help out Roger, and now I don’t know how to undo that.”

 

“Let me see if I can help.” Crowley looked like he was actually considering how he might help, then he said, “You tell him you were wrong, and that you can’t help him make his stupid, low budget, amateur hour film.”

 

Dean stormed away from him to the gangplank. No need talking anymore if it was going to be like that. He bounded off the boat down the ramp and onto the pier. His luggage would find it’s way to the bungalow. For now, he just needed to get a little distance between himself and Crowley.

 

He got to the end of the pier and looked toward the town. He had no clue where he was going. He considered storming off toward the nearest bar when he heard a chuckle at his back. “Pathetic.” Dean turned to see that Crowley had caught up with him. “Follow me.” He passed Dean and waved at a man that was leaning against a tan jeep. “Hey there. Good to see you again.”

 

The guy popped up out of the lean and walked the last two steps over to Crowley. “Good to see you too.”

 

“Well, we are certainly ready to get settled in. Hope you’re ready to start working.” Crowley reached out his hand and said, “This is Dean.” He gestured at Dean.

 

Dean took the offered hand and said, “And your name is?”

 

“Oh, sorry. Name’s Cas, Cas Novak.” He almost had a southern twang to his words and Dean found himself smiling at the sound of it.

 

“Where you from, Cas?”

 

“All over. Currently, I’m from right here in Avalon.” He rounded the jeep and lowered the back. He waved at them to bring their bags. Dean didn’t have his. Crowley had a suitcase though. Cas took it and lifted it into the back. “Where’s your bags?” Cas asked Dean.

 

“I…” he started.

 

Crowley chose to finish the sentence. “Dean is one of those actors that thinks he doesn’t have to haul his own luggage. He left them on the ship.”

 

“Oh, so are we waiting for someone to bring them along?” Cas glanced from Dean to Crowley and then back again.”

 

“Asshole.” Dean muttered out the word, hoping that only Crowley would hear it. He turned and went back to the ship to retrieve his luggage. He could hear Crowley laughing and talking in his wake. He didn’t turn back to him though. What would be the point? He would just see him bonding with Cas over how Dean isn’t much of anything beyond a pretty face in front of a camera.

 

* * *

 

Dean found that the island had exactly nothing to do once the evening descended upon him. Crowley had waved at them both as he got out of the jeep in front of the Atwater Hotel. It was close to the beach and just a small ways from the bungalow that Dean would be staying in during however long the movie was being filmed. It was early February, so Dean had assumed that it would easily be done by May. According to his contract though, a contract that he didn’t get his brother to review, he could be here through the summer.

 

Roger had been kind. More than kind, he’d taken Dean in when his family couldn’t afford to have two kids underfoot. John Winchester worked to exhaustion. Sometimes though, it wasn’t enough. And when it wasn’t enough, Roger’s door was open.

 

And now Roger was about to be home from college after getting to it a little late in his life. He wanted to make the movie that he’d been talking about for years. He’d be successful too. Dean liked the story of a pair of brothers hunting monsters in middle America. If it was done right, the people would flock to it. Dean doubted that he could fix any of this. He hated himself just a little for the situation and tried to see a way toward solving the problem.

 

Instead of solving the problem though, he found one of the few businesses open on the island, a small bar, and drank perhaps more than he rightly should have. It was the family curse. When in doubt drink until you aren’t doubting anymore. He wasn’t sure what happened between drink five and on, but he was sure that he had felt a heap better in the moment.

 

He somehow managed to get back to his bed, and would have stayed in it all day if it weren’t for the pounding that was drawing him back to consciousness. Dean’s head felt like a throbbing mass of pain. It felt like someone was ramming a fist into his temple again and again. It took him a moment to open his eyes to the too bright room, a second or two more to realize that the pounding was actually a noise that was not in his head alone. He sat up and looked toward the front of his room. His door was closed, but the noise was coming from beyond that door. He’d likely kill whoever it was that was knocking on his front door if only he could get up the strength to move toward it. The knocking wasn’t stopping. Now there was a voice coupled with it. “Wake up, Mr. Winchester. You are due on set in two hours.”

 

Dean rubbed at his eyes. _This isn’t right._ He was supposed to have until Monday. By all accounts, he was certain that this was Sunday. No one does a thing on Sundays. At least that’s what he’d read about the island before he’d left the mainland. The voice repeated the call for waking up. Dean shook his head and threw his legs over the side of the mattress. The floor was cold and a little gritty. He padded his way to the bedroom door then out to the living room. He could actually see the front door moving with each knock.

 

“I’m coming.” Dean fumbled at the doorknob, got the lock undone, and opened the door.

 

The man in front of him was familiar. He seemed stunned and just stared at Dean a moment, hand falling back to his side. _Thank God the knocking is done._ “You’re not dressed.” The man’s eyes moved from his bare chest to his face and back again.

 

“Of course I’m not. You woke me up. It’s Sunday.” Dean stepped back into his room and intended to slip into his bed again. He had a hand on the door to close it in this guy’s face, but he was stopped by a palm to his shoulder.

 

“Mr. Winchester, we need to get going. Please get some clothes on so I can drive you to the site.” Dean turned back to face him. He looked earnest and a little desperate. His eyes were captivating. Dean shook his head again, and regretted the move. _Maybe I’m still a little drunk._

 

“I need about four more hours of sleep. Can you give me that?” He rubbed a hand over his face a little. “It’s Cas right?” He was remembering now. This was the assistant that had been assigned to him. _Shit, guy probably doesn’t know how all of this works._

 

“No.” The man stepped into the bungalow now and stood right in front of Dean. “I will not let you cost me this job. You know how hard it is to get work on this island, work that my dad would find acceptable? This is a lucky break for me. I thought, how hard could it be to haul an actor around, get him his groceries and such. Well, I underestimated the difficulty it seems. Now, I’m going to ask you again, to please get dressed, so I can get you to the filming site.”

 

Dean felt a measure of frustration. _Who is this guy to think he can boss me around?_ “Hard pass buddy. I’m getting my beauty rest. Come back tomorrow.” He turned again to head for his room, dizzy and a little sick feeling.

 

He’d have been able to fight him off a little if he weren’t still drunk. As it was, Dean did not have the mental capacity to deal with what came next. Cas had grabbed him and carried him all the way out the door, before Dean even realized what was happening. He hefted Dean up at the edge of the two steps that would bring him down to the street. It was then that Dean started to struggle. “You will want to stop that. I’ll drop you, and you’ll be injured.”

 

“Put me down!” Dean said as they rounded the jeep. Cas put him down but didn’t release him. Somehow, he kept Dean locked into his grip even while opening the passenger side door. He somehow also managed to move Dean up into the seat and closed the door.

 

Dean was so confused he didn’t do much of anything except to stare at Cas through the window of the vehicle. Cas moved around to the driver’s side before Dean realized that he could get out, make a run for it. Cas was strong though. He’d likely just haul his sorry ass right on back. Dean wasn’t thinking right or he would have tried at least. His head was buzzing and angry. Cas started the jeep and they roared away from the curb. “You’re awful. I’m going to regret every minute of this job.” Cas stared straight ahead at the road as they drove.

 

“I don’t have clothes on.” Dean muttered. “Take me back.”

 

“You made the decision. Deal with the consequences.” They raced past a ballpark. Dean let his gaze linger on it as they passed.

 

“I’m not supposed to be on the site until Monday.” Dean was thinking about getting out of the jeep and running back to the bungalow. Cas never fully stopped at the corners though, and getting out of a moving vehicle in his current state seemed ill-advised. The road became rougher all of a sudden, and Cas whipped into a tight turn that pressed Dean into the door of the jeep.

 

“Sorry, didn’t want to slow down too much.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Pretty sure you’ll jump out if I stop.” Cas glanced at him now.

 

Dean stared daggers back at him. “What, you’re a mind reader now too?”

 

“You’re easy to read.” He let go of the steering wheel with one hand and waved at the door. “You got one hand curled around the handle there, like you’re just waiting for your opportunity.”

 

“Anyone ever tell you you’re an asshole.” Dean turned his gaze back to the road in front of them. He was feeling sick. Every bump and bounce made him feel like he was going to lose whatever was still in his stomach, which wasn’t much. “You need to pull over.”

 

“Not gonna happen.” Cas drove faster.

 

“I’m not going to run. I’m going to vomit.” Cas glanced at him again. He must have seen something that made him believe him. He slammed on the brakes.

 

“Out.”

 

Dean didn’t wait even a second. He tossed open the door and practically fell out of the jeep. He felt his stomach heave painfully and gracelessly. It was over in an instant. Cas was standing behind him. Dean was somehow more irritated by that. This was the last thing that needed witnessing. “Get the hell away from me.” Cas stayed right where he was. Dean swiped the back of his hand over his mouth. “You deaf?”

 

“Clearly, I am not deaf as I have heard everything that you’ve been saying. I’m also not going away, as I have a job to do.” He lowered himself down into a crouch next to Dean. “Get back in the jeep.”

 

Dean felt a little more clear headed now, and also, hated being bossed around. He lunged at Cas and knocked him onto his back. That should have been enough, but Cas was damn tough. He wrapped his arms around Dean and rolled him onto his back, then sat up straddling him in the dirt and exhaust. “Get off me.” Dean tried to get free of him. Cas grabbed his wrists and pushed them back to the ground over his head.

 

“You will get back in the car. If you do so, you will get a shirt to wear. Otherwise, I’ll drop you off with just the now filthy underwear that you are wearing. Do you understand?”

 

Dean continued to struggle. Cas seemed to be unaffected. Dean was not going to win this battle with brute strength alone. “Damn it.”

 

“That is not an answer.”

 

Dean glared at him a second or two more, then said, “Fine. Get off me, and I’ll get in the jeep. I need pants too.”

 

“Don’t have pants to give you. I’ve got a shirt in the back.” He got up and held out a hand to Dean. “Come on.” Dean took his hand and let himself be pulled up. He stumbled to the jeep and got in. Cas rounded it and got in the driver’s seat. He reached back into the space behind Dean’s seat and said, “Here.” He tossed a button up shirt into Dean’s lap. “I expect to get it back.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean put it on and frowned a little at the dirt that was covering him. He was a mess and the crisp white shirt was making it even more obvious. He was leaving dirty little fingerprints around each button. Cas started driving again. They were making their way up the mountain. Dean could see the film crew just up the road. They pulled up alongside the crew and the director came to his window.

 

“Deano, how’s it going?” Gabriel was a short man and full of mirth. He leaned into the space and looked Dean over. “Whoa, you forgot your pants.”

 

“There was a misunderstanding. You got a pair in wardrobe you can toss me?”

 

Gabriel looked over his shoulder at a kid that was passing by with a tray of food. “Bart, go to wardrobe and get some pants for Mr. Winchester. Be quick.” The kid looked terrified and ran off to do what he was told. “So, is there a story behind this?” He waved a hand over Dean’s frame.

 

Cas chose that moment to answer. “I rushed Mr. Winchester here as Mr. Crowley said that it was imperative that he arrive on time for every appointment. I believe that we have arrived two minutes early, which is a touch later than I’d like to be tomorrow.”

 

“I assume that my actors will be late. Dean here is actually the first to arrive. Thank you…” He waited for a name to finish the sentence. When Cas didn’t respond, he said, “I’m not remembering your name; sorry kid.”

 

“Cas, Cas Novak.” He glanced back at Dean then.

 

“Well, you’ve done well Mr. Novak. I’ll be sure to let Mr. Crowley know. The kid came back with pants and Gabriel took them. He looked them over then tossed them in through the window. Dean struggled to put them on in the cramped space. “Next time, you can take a few minutes to get dressed at home.” Gabriel smiled as he spoke. He took a step back from the window.

  
A moment later and Dean got out of the car, bare footed but otherwise clothed. “Thanks.” He adopted his professional tone and moved off toward the crew to await orders. He sent back a scowl at Cas as he walked away. Cas for his part, just smiled right on back like this was all somehow enjoyable. He even added a little wave and drove over to the far end of the set to park his jeep and wait.


	2. Amends

The day had been long, and he had been woefully unprepared for it. At least he sobered up by the end of it, and he didn’t lose too much face in front of the other actors. He got a change of clothes and wet towel to clean up with before they shot some minor scenes. It still took them the better part of the day to make it all work. Dean wondered when today’s schedule had been decided. He decided that he’d catch Crowley before he got on the steamer for home the next morning.

 

Gabe, he preferred that name, gave him a wave as he headed to the parking area in search of Cas’ jeep. Cas was leaning against it, staring out at the ocean just like he had been the night before. Dean’s memories were all firmly settled back into place. He also felt like a bit of a jerk. Guy was just trying to do his job. Not like he wanted to haul around a guy that couldn’t even be bothered to learn his own damn schedule.

 

Cas popped up out of the lean and rounded the car to his door. He opened it and waited. Dean didn’t get in right away. He just stared at him. “Hey, Cas.” He swallowed. “Sorry ‘bout this morning.” It was a rare apology. Usually he just stiff upper lipped his way past the awkward moments.

 

Cas nodded and Dean started to get into the jeep. “So I guess this means that you’ll be dressed and ready tomorrow when I pick you up.”

 

Dean wanted to be annoyed at him. Cas could have just accepted the apology with some measure of grace. Dean looked at him and waited a moment before saying, “Maybe. You’ll have to wait and see.” He gave him a wink, and before Cas could close the door, Dean reached out and pulled it shut for him.

 

They drove in near silence back to the town. The road was a loud bumpy mess beneath them, but it wasn’t as bad as this morning now that Dean had sobered up. He let the silence fill him. It was nice to have a few quiet moments. The day had been filled with orders barked out at him from Gabe. It wasn’t that he was one of those angry directors; he was just full of energy and vision. If all went well, like it often seemed to for Gabe, he’d be receiving some awards for this little pic. Dean knew he was lucky to land it.

 

Cas drove slowly down the street that lead to his temporary home. He pulled up to the curb and cut the engine. He got out and rounded the car to open Dean’s door. Dean got out before he could get to him though. Cas stood there confused for a moment. “I’ll be here at 8:00 am tomorrow.”

 

“That’s good to know. No one bothered to tell me anything about the schedule.” Dean moved to the house.

 

“I realize that now. I’ll be sure that you are aware of your schedule from here on out. I hope that you will be comfortable working with me in the months ahead.” He sounded a little worried. It was a far cry from the guy that tossed him unceremoniously into the jeep that morning.

 

Dean found a small parcel of pity. He turned back to him. “Hey, any clue where a guy can get a bit of food in this town?”

 

Cas looked confused a moment and tipped his head to the side. “I stocked your kitchen with food myself. Surely you haven’t eaten everything in one day.”

 

Dean hadn’t even looked at the kitchen. It was lucky for him that food had been supplied at the filming site. He wasn’t accustomed to making his own meals, but he was not lacking in the skill needed to whip up something in a pinch. He’d done his fair share of making meals out of whatever his father and mother could afford. Sammy, his little brother, never complained. In fact he even seemed to like the weird concoctions that Dean managed to make. Dean realized that Cas was waiting for an answer. “Oh, I hadn’t explored there yet.”

 

Cas smiled a little and asked, “You do know how to cook right?”

 

Dean lied, “Not so much.”

 

It got the reaction he’d hoped for. Cas moved past him into the house. “Guess I’ll have to help you there.” Dean smiled at his back as he passed.

 

* * *

 

 

It wasn’t necessary for Cas to like him. It wasn’t necessary at all. He did want to be liked though. That was just human nature. Dean had every intention of helping him cook, but the kitchen and corresponding dining space were small, practically a closet. So, he took a seat at the dining table. The table would have room for two to sit uncomfortably if neither minded having their knees pressed up against each other under the table. Dean didn’t mind that, but he was sure he was in the minority on that front.

 

“You’ve got all the makings for a few burgers, spaghetti, sandwiches, or something else that requires the same ingredients. Oh, and there’s eggs.” Dean watched as Cas pointed out the items as he listed them. “So, what’ll you have?”

 

“Whatever’s easiest.” Dean didn’t know what to pick. He felt like asking for anything might be viewed as, well, the sort of thing a pretentious, pampered actor would do. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want Cas to have that impression.

 

“They’re all pretty easy, Dean.” He seemed to stutter a second and amended, “I mean Mr. Winchester.”

 

“You can call me Dean. We’re going to be in this for a few months anyway. Seems reasonable to be on a first name basis.” Dean got up and moved into the crowded space next to Cas.

 

“Burgers?” Cas asked.

 

“They’re my favorite.” Dean pulled out the lettuce and tomatoes. He glanced at the onion on the counter and decided against it. He snagged a cutting board and a knife. “I’ll get the fixin’s ready.” He took them over to the table and cut them up. Cas worked at the counter and made swift work of getting the meat prepared and the skillet heated. Cas picked up the onion and moved over to the trash can to peel away the skin. He put the onion on the counter and cut it. He diced it swiftly, seemingly unconcerned with the damage that could come from cutting it directly on the counter.

 

He mixed in the onion with the burger meat and added an egg and some spices that Dean couldn’t see from where he was sitting. Dean was taking his time with the lettuce and the tomato as if that needed some sort of care and precision. He finished as the first sizzle of meat came from the pan. Cas washed his hands in the little sink next to the stove. Dean moved back to the fridge and opened the door to look for something to drink. _Miracle of miracles, there’s beer._ He reached in and pulled out two bottles. Cas looked over at him and said, “Here.” He reached for the bottle.

 

Dean handed it to him. Cas pulled out a key ring from his pocket and used it to pop the cap off the bottle. He handed it back to Dean and reached for the other. Dean handed it over and went back to his seat. Cas popped the cap off that one too and took a long pull. _Guy earned it._ He set it aside and flipped the patties a few moments later. They were sending Dean into a tailspin of hunger.

 

“How long you reckon before they’re done? They smell great.”

 

Cas glanced back at him. “Just a few more minutes.”  He washed his hands a second time in the tiny sink and then opened up a cabinet above him. He pulled out a single plate and handed it to Dean. “Here you go.” Dean took it and set it on the table in front of him. He waited for Cas to hand him a second. He didn’t. The meat finished cooking and he brought over the pan to Dean’s plate. “Here.” Dean was starting to think that this was one of Cas’ only words.

 

“You gonna get a plate?” Dean motioned to the cabinet.

 

“Oh, I didn't think I’d be eating here with you.” He slid a burger onto Dean’s plate. “I only made two patties.”

 

“Good, and there’s two of us eating, so dig in.” Dean grabbed a bun from the breadbox on the table. Cas just stood there a moment looking at him.

 

“It’s hardly enough food for two people.”

 

“Cas if you need to eat more later, just eat more later. For now, this is plenty. Come on.” He waved at the seat across from him. Cas moved back to the stove and set down the pan. He reached up and got a plate from the cabinet and put a patty on it. He carried it back to the table and sat down.

 

“I intended to cook and leave. It is bad enough that I drank your beer.” He wasn’t eating the patty. He wasn’t even making it into a burger yet.

 

“Why is that bad? I offered it.” Dean set down his burger and waited.

 

“It’s unprofessional.” He looked off at the window. There was still plenty of daylight coming in, but the sun was setting and it was giving everything a rosey glow.

 

“It’s only unprofessional if your boss says it’s unprofessional. Now, eat up.” Dean picked the burger up again and took a giant bite. Cas followed his lead. He put the patty on a bun and doctored it up. He glanced at Dean again before lifting it to his mouth. They ate in companionable silence. Occasionally, Cas would set down the burger and wipe his mouth. Dean finished the meal first and felt like it was plenty.

 

“I can make another,” Cas said as he waved a hand over the empty plate.

 

“Nope. This was more than I needed.” Dean got up and took his plate to the sink to wash it and the pan Cas had used to cook up the meal. He listened for Cas’ movements behind him, and hearing none, assumed that he was finishing his meal. It was a surprise when he appeared at his side a minute later. Dean even jumped a little.

 

Cas had his plate and the leftover lettuce and tomatoes on the cutting board. He reached past Dean for the drawer next to him and pulled it open. The kitchen was a tight fit. Dean sucked in a little extra breath with the proximity. Cas pulled out a bit of tin foil to wrap up the leftovers. “Sorry,” he said as he crowded next to him. He slid the lettuce and tomatoes onto a square of the tin foil and carefully folded it.

 

He slid the cutting board into the sink and Dean washed it. “So you always get stuck driving wayward celebrities around Avalon?”

 

“No.” Cas seemed to be concentrating rather hard on the task of taking care of the leftovers. He had the fridge open and he slid them onto a shelf, then he picked them back up and put them in the crisper drawer. “You are the first.”

 

“How’d you get so lucky?” Dean meant it as a joke.

 

Cas closed the fridge and stood awkwardly by his side again. “My father sent me into town on a mission to get a job, any job. He said that if I wasn’t employed not to come back. It took a few days, but I managed to meet Gabriel who lead me to Mr. Crowley. I had additional help securing the interview, so with that I'm here now.”

 

“And Crowley hired you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Dean wondered how much he’d have to prod to get the whole story, because there seemed to be more. “And…”

 

“I don’t believe there is any more to tell. He tested my ability, and he said that you’d find me tolerable.” A little of the southern accent came with the word tolerable. Dean wondered why he sometimes had an accent and sometimes didn’t.

 

“Where you from?”

 

“I told you before, everywhere, mostly here.” Cas looked like he was going to head out of the room in a rush so Dean stopped over-washing the dishes and dried off his hands.

 

“Grab another beer.” Dean moved out to the living room to keep Cas from arguing. Cas came out a moment later and handed him an opened bottle. He didn’t have one himself. “Go get one for yourself. I ain’t drinking alone.”

 

“I shouldn’t.” Cas glanced back at the kitchen.

 

“Go on.” Dean waved at the kitchen. “It’s just beer. I also promise not to get drunk like before.” He made a cross over his heart.

 

“Fine. I really do have to get going though.” Cas moved back into the kitchen, and Dean suddenly felt like he was forcing the guy to stay. He huffed out a sigh and was about to tell him, _never mind, you can go._ Cas was back in the room though with an open bottle. “Have you seen much of the town yet?”

 

“Not that I remember,” Dean laughed a little as he said it.

 

“Ah, you must have at least seen part of the main street there.” He waved a hand out.

 

Dean followed the motion. “Like I said, I don’t really remember. Yesterday is a bit of a blur. Crowley managed to rile me up a little. He knows how to get under one’s skin.”

 

“Oh,” Cas moved to the door, beer in hand. Dean thought that he was making to leave. “Well, you should see the town while there’s still light. Come on.” He opened the door and waited on the front stoop.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Come on. We’ll walk, and I’ll show you my town. It’ll take 5 minutes tops.” Dean followed him. They made their way down the street. Dean wondered how he had managed to get home in his inebriated state the night before.

 

They got to the main stretch of road that ran along the beach. They walked down the street back toward the pier that they’d come to the day before. Cas pointed out businesses and colored the walk with bits of history. They got to the center and he said, “This is going to be a busy place  come March.”

 

“Oh, how so?” Dean asked.

 

“The Cubs are going to come back for Spring training.” He stopped walking and took a swig of his beer. “You a baseball fan, Dean?”

 

“A bit. I am an American.” They both laughed at that.

 

“Well, they’ll come in here, and crowds will gather to greet them. Then Wrigley will lead them up to the ballpark. They won’t play for a few days, but they’ll go there anyway for the crowd. It’s great for business when they’re here.” Cas took another pull off his beer and Dean watched the bob of his throat as he swallowed.

 

“You a baseball fan?” They started walking again.

 

“I am. I usually work for them when they come to town.” Cas glanced at him as he spoke. Their steps were in sync as they walked. There weren’t many people out. The beach was empty, and the water lapped at the shore pleasantly. The sun was down, but the sky still had the remnants of the daytime glow at the edges of the horizon.

 

“What kind of work do you do for the Cubs?” Dean asked as they turned a corner and walked past a few shops and houses.

 

“My father works as a jack of all trades. He’s a groundskeeper for them when they need it. He also built the grandstands. He has a degree in botany. Really, he’s involved in nearly everything.”

 

“So your dad works for the Cubs in literally every way, but you didn’t say what you do?” Dean could feel Cas’ hand brush the back of his with each step. The sidewalk was slim and didn’t leave them much room.

 

“Well, I’m not much compared to him. I help him out in all of his endeavors. If he paints a building, I paint it too. If he mows the lawn or plants some flowers, his favorite task by the way, I am at his side. We’ve been kind of a package deal.”

 

“What about during the off season?”

 

“Oh, I pick up odd jobs in town. I've cooked and tended bar, little things like that.” Cas ran a hand back up into his hair which left it a little messy. It was an attractive mess though, deep dark brown hair going everywhere.

 

“So why did he tell you to get a job?” Dean asked then added, “Not that I’m complaining.”

 

Cas laughed and said, “He worries about me. He use to push me to get married. He thought that I was getting stagnant. I follow him to work, and then I go home. He pushed me into getting my own place, then he thought that I’d meet someone. Didn’t happen. Now he thinks that I just need to carve my own path separate from him and all will be right in the world. I’m content with things as they are. Maybe I’ve been on the island for too long. Maybe I’ve become complacent.”

 

They rounded another corner and headed south again. “Nothing wrong with doing what you love. Also nothing wrong with taking your time before you settle down. I certainly haven’t.”

 

“You’re an actor though. You get to live a different sort of life.”

 

“Yeah, I get to be photographed every time I go on a date. I get to read about my life in all the rags. It’s absolutely different.”

 

“Oh, I read about that. Sorry.” Cas didn’t mention it directly, and Dean appreciated that. There’d been some speculation about Dean in one of the rags. Why hadn’t he married? What was he looking for that couldn’t be found in the likes of actresses like Lisa Braeden or Anna Milton? The author dropped subtle stabs at Dean in the lines of the article. He commented on Dean’s friendship with the actor Benny Lafitte. He mentioned how much time they spent together in Baton Rouge. Without coming right out with any direct accusation, the author practically said that Dean’s failed relationships with women came from his different proclivities.

 

“Well, some people are assholes.” He picked up the pace a little.

 

“That they are,” Cas agreed.

 

Dean let out a breath that he didn’t realize he’d been holding. They walked onward until they got back to the hill. “That was a little more than five minutes, Cas.”

 

“Next time I’ll try to be better company, then you won’t notice.” Cas’ lip curled up into a half grin. They walked up to the bungalow and Cas went directly to the driver’s side of his jeep. “I’ll see you bright and early. Don’t make me drag you out to the jeep.”

 

“We’ll see.” Dean winked and moved back up to his door. “Night, Cas.”

 

“Night, Dean.”

 

Dean moved back inside his house and let the door close behind him. He could hear the jeep start up and drive off. He’d been here for just a day. He closed his eyes. _What are you doing?_ He asked himself. _You can’t do this again. You’ve got to be careful._ Dean wandered back to the kitchen and tossed the bottle into the trash. It was loud and rattled his remaining sense of calm. It wasn’t late enough, but he went to his bedroom anyway and stripped off his clothes for bed. It had been a long day, and maybe sleep could fix things.


	3. So Serious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will likely post on Friday as tomorrow is a new episode. I tend to get too distracted by that.

 

He slept fitfully. He got up early and got ready for the day. The sun was just burning the edges of the sky in rosy hues as he stared out the window at the world. With too much time before Cas would arrive, he made his way to the Atwater Hotel to see Crowley before he took off for the mainland. At the very least he would like to tell him that the lack of a schedule was frustrating.

 

When Dean got to the hotel he was directed to the courtyard where Crowley was drinking a black coffee and reading a newspaper. He glanced over the paper at Dean as he approached and said, “Come to wish me happy trails or something?”

 

“Not exactly.” Dean took a seat across from him and waved at a passing worker while tapping the empty coffee mug in front of him.

 

“He’s not a waiter. I got my own coffee when I wandered out here.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“That’s your problem, Dean. You assume things. You make stupid choices based on those assumptions.”

 

“It was a simple mistake.” He got up to go get some coffee and saw the man coming back with a pot of coffee. He came to the table and poured the coffee. Dean sat back down. “Sorry man, I thought you were a waiter.”

 

“I’m a little of everything, no problem.” He smiled and wandered off with the coffee.

 

Dean turned back to Crowley. “If you hate me so much why do you keep working with me?”

 

“I don’t hate you.” Crowley took a sip of his coffee and set the paper aside. “You frustrate me.”

 

“I don’t see how.”

 

“Need I remind you of the recent gossip?” He set down his coffee and leaned back in his chair. He folded his hands over his stomach and waited. Dean said nothing. “The world we live in, Dean, is not ready for the reality of that story. You are no Marlon Brando. You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too.”

 

Dean decided to make a joke of it. “I’m more of a pie guy.”

 

“You want people to believe that, but you and I know better.” In a rare show of compassion, Crowley reached over and gave Dean’s arm a brief pat. “The plan here is that you lay low. You make this film. You find a lady to publicly flirt with. At the end of the day, people want to forget the things that make them uncomfortable. You’ll give the people what they want.”

 

“Seems I’m always giving them what they want.” Dean doctored up the coffee with a bit of cream and sugar. He gave it a little stir. “Why didn’t you tell me I’d be shooting on Sunday?”

 

“I left the schedule in your bungalow. Not my fault you didn’t read it. Besides you’ve hardly been the church going type.”

 

“Still, I looked like an idiot.”

 

“I heard. I was entertained.” Crowley laughed. “Seems like I picked a proper assistant for you with that Novak kid.”

 

“Yeah, he’s okay. Seems you put the fear of God in him though regarding my schedule. He wasn’t willing to hear it when I told him that I could be a little late.”  

 

“I may have told him that his employment depended upon that and a few other things.” Crowley smiled over another sip of his coffee. “The boy needs the money, and I like that his needs will make him more diligent where you’re concerned.”

 

“What other things?” Dean asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Dean replied, “You said his employment depended upon keeping me to a set schedule and other things. What are the other things?”

 

“I told him to make sure that you were not late and that you were never caught in a compromising position.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“It means that he is to be sure that you don’t end up face down in a ditch or face pressed into any inappropriate parties while a camera is present.” Crowley pushed away from the table and added, “I almost fired him the first night when you decided to go out to the bar and he wasn’t keeping an eye on you.”

 

“How was he supposed to know?”

 

Crowley just shrugged. “It’s what I pay him for. He has one mission while you’re here, keep you out of trouble. The only reason he got to keep his job was because he was the one that inevitably dragged you back to your bungalow. I am sure that he’ll keep from making that mistake again.” Crowley’s fingers rolled over the tabletop making a patterned rumble of noise. He added, “I’ve got an investment in you. I represent you. If you get into trouble, I can deal with it, but only if it is a certain kind of trouble. Some kinds of trouble, if repeated will just end everything for you, and a little for me too. I’m protecting myself here, but you get to benefit from it. I’ve got clients beside you Dean. Clients that’ll find someone else to work with if I can’t handle your…” He waved a hand dismissively at Dean “issues.”

 

Dean rolled his head back and swore. He looked back at Crowley. “I’m not gonna get into trouble again. It’s not like anyone really knew. It was all just speculation. I mean, If I’d have known how much people were gonna assume, I’d have made it worth my while. Seems I got cheated out of a whole lot of sex in this situation.”

 

“Lower your voice.” Crowley looked around. “All that matters is how much people think you had with the wrong person.” He got up. “I’ll be back in one month to check up on you. Do me a favor, Dean, just do your job. Despite what you might think, I do want you to be happy.”

 

“I’m here for the work. Faster we get through this the better. I might even have half a chance of making Roger’s film.”

 

“Whatever gets you through.” He gave him a pat on the shoulder as he passed. “Take care, Dean.”

 

“You too.” Crowley walked off toward the front of the hotel, and Dean watched him go. As much as he sometimes thought he hated Crowley, he knew that at the end of the day he didn’t really hate him much at all.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean got back to the bungalow with a bit more time to spare. Cas’ jeep was not parked at the curb just yet. While he waited, Dean poked at things around the house. He set some coffee to brewing. He opened up drawers in his room. He tried to open the hall closet, which was locked. It was odd how empty the place was for being furnished. There were no pictures hanging on the walls, and no clothes in the drawers.

 

It made sense, but it was still odd. He thought he’d find some evidence of the prior owner’s existence in there. He gave the locked door to the hall closet another jiggle then went back to the kitchen for the coffee. If Cas showed up at the same time as he had the day before, then Dean might get just enough time to quickly finish off the coffee. He poured a cup and took a tentative sip just as a firm knock punctuated the silence.

 

“Right on time.” Dean looked down at himself, assessing whether or not he was ready and knowing full well that he looked fine. The knocking got firmer, louder even. Dean laughed and made a decision. The guy, after all, thinks he’s got to keep Dean on the straight and narrow. That coupled with the fact that Dean was a bit of a joker set him on a little path.

 

Dean stood in the living room as the knocking got louder. He drank from his mug of coffee and just stared at the door. “Mr. Winchester, Please wake up!” Dean smiled. The knocking became banging. Dean still stared at it. He wondered if Cas would smash the door open, or give up and find some other means of entry. The banging intensified, and Dean was certain that Cas was indeed going to kill the door. “Mr. Winchester, Dean, wake up!” There was the smallest bit of desperation in his tone that made Dean feel momentarily bad. He reached out and opened the door as casually as possible.

 

He still held his coffee and took a sip as he stepped out onto the porch. “Hey Cas. You ready to go?” He smirked and walked down to the jeep to get in.

 

“I was this close,” Cas held up his fingers near Dean’s face to show just how close before continuing, “this close to breaking down the door.”

 

“Anyone ever tell you that patience is a virtue?” Dean kept standing at the door to the jeep, waiting for Cas to open it. Instead, Cas just glared at him. “You really should try lightening up a little buddy.”

 

“I am not your buddy. I thought that we established that you’d be ready on time.” Cas looked like he had calmed but just barely.

 

“I am ready. You just had a tiny panic about me not answering the door immediately. You literally waited ten whole seconds before unleashing the banging fists of fury on the door there.” Dean laughed again and added, “Well, we going?”

 

Cas glanced at the coffee that Dean was still holding. “You are apparently still finishing your morning coffee.”

 

“Yeah, I think I’ll take it with me, finish it up in the jeep.” Dean decided that Cas was not going to open the door, so he reached out and did the job himself. He slid into the space, and Cas closed the door once he was settled.

 

Cas rounded the vehicle, face set to irritation. Dean couldn’t help but take some pleasure in the look. It was apparently easy to rile the guy up. Cas got in and started the jeep up, pulling away from the curb with a bit too much speed. Dean cast a nervous glance at the coffee in his hand and realized that he’d made a mistake. He gulped down a bit more, but it was still a little too hot to gulp down the rest of the mug.

 

Cas tore around the next bend in the road and then slammed on the gas as they headed up the hill and into the rough dirt road. Dean didn’t remember it being this rough the other day. The coffee sloshed out of the mug and onto his shirt. Cas glanced at him and said, “Oh shit, sorry about that Dean. Did it burn you?”

 

“Asshole. Slow the hell down.” Dean tried to hold the mug out a little away from himself. The damage was done though. His shirt was well and truly stained.

 

“I’m afraid we can’t slow down if we are to make it there on time. Besides which I have been told by Mr. Crowley that getting you there on time is absolutely imperative. If I want to keep this job, which I must say is something I’m now questioning, I have certain duties to attend to. You will be ready and at the site on time. I assumed we were on the same page in that regard. I see now that I was mislead.”

 

Dean brought it on himself, but he didn’t want to own it. Instead he said, “It was a joke, and we are in no danger of getting there late. You just don’t understand basic humor. And I’m pretty sure you’re happy about the coffee spilling all over my shirt.”

 

“Who brings an open cup of coffee into a car? Seriously, Dean, we are driving on unpaved roads up into the hills.” Under his breath Cas muttered, “Idiot.”

 

“Asshole.” Dean didn’t mutter. He made sure Cas could hear him. They drove onward. Dean finished off the coffee just to keep any more of it from spilling onto his shirt. He’d have to change into his costume anyway, but it was frustrating that for two days now he’d shown up looking like a fool. _It was a goddamn joke._

  
Cas slammed on the brakes and kicked up a large dust cloud that blew around the whole vehicle. Dean waited for the dust to settle before he got out. He glanced down at his watch. They were ten minutes early. He held up his wrist in front of Cas’ face so he could see how not late they were. He got out with a grumble of frustration leaving the empty coffee mug on the floor in the footrest of the vehicle. He slammed the door as they left and stalked off toward the film crew.


	4. Slow Dance Toward Something

 

The rest of the week was mild by comparison. Dean was sure that Cas thought that he was the master of the silent treatment. Dean was sure though too that he could easily out silence this amateur. Dean was the king of not sharing feelings.

 

When the week ended though without a weekend break, no one but Dean seemed surprised. They all just accepted whatever schedule was handed to them. So Dean did too. He plugged away at the art, and Gabe barked his orders. Dean wondered how long he’d be able to maintain any focus with such a rigorous work schedule. He wondered how long he’d be able to keep ignoring, well mostly ignoring, Cas each day. Time heals many things, and Dean isn’t always the worst at communicating.

 

 _Well recent events notwithstanding._ So Cas showed up each morning, and Dean was ready. Cas waited in the lot until Dean was ready to go home. Once Dean was out of the car, Cas would race away from the curb like he had better places to be and no further time to be wasting on Dean Winchester. Dean, for his part, would just go inside and crash.

 

The filming was brutal. Dean was feeling his age and was determined to hide the strain from the rest of the world. It was difficult though. He had pain in his shoulders, but that was nothing compared to his legs and thighs in particular. Gabe had him on a horse for a large portion of the two weeks that they had been filming. And when he wasn't riding, Dean was running, up hills, down hills, all the hills.

 

Dean was looking forward to Friday and the subsequent weekend almost since day one. He had some worries that this Friday might be like the last Friday, and Gabe might just announce the call times for the next day like it was nothing. Dean thought that might just break him. He needed the rest that a true weekend would give. His body needed the break. It was why he was a bit giddy when Gabe sent everyone home early on Thursday.

 

“Gonna get some landscape shots today and tomorrow morning. You can all go home now. Actors come back at 11:00 am tomorrow,” Gabe announced. It wasn’t a full break, but Dean took it. He felt like a dead man walking as he finally changed back into his civilian clothes and trudged over to the jeep.

 

Cas was leaning there, staring off at the vast sea in the distance. He had a newspaper in his hand that he wasn’t reading. Dean walked over to his side of the jeep and leaned against it next to him. Cas finally broke the silence. “Don’t you have a movie to make?”

 

“Gabe’s sending us home early. We come back at 11 tomorrow morning.” Dean kept it simple, not sure how to keep from looking like he was caving in.

 

“I guess I should get you home then.” Cas popped out of the lean and carefully folded the newspaper up again.

 

Dean stayed where he was though. The steamer ship was coming into the harbor. It was small in the distance. He wanted to say something to make things less awkward between them. He didn’t think that months of this would be sustainable. “So the Cubs are showing up tomorrow?”

 

Cas leaned back into the car again, tucking the newspaper under his arm. “Yes.”

 

Dean waited for more, but it seemed like Cas just got comfortable so he could say literally just one word. “Come on man. Meet me halfway here.”

 

“I don’t know what you mean.” Cas canted his head a bit and then seemingly realizing said, “Oh, I see.” A small smile ticked at the edges of his mouth, and Dean almost took it back, the not apology or olive branch that he barely extended. Cas spoke again though. “They’ll be setting up a whole lot of celebratory stuff in town. There’ll be a band and a parade. Wrigley will have them in horse drawn carriages, well some of them anyway. It’s quite the spectacle.”

 

“You don’t say?” Dean popped out of the lean. “When does the show get started?”

 

“Soon as the steamer gets in. Early am I reckon.”

 

Dean rounded the jeep to his side and got in. Cas got into the driver’s side. Dean said, “I might check out the spectacle then. Sounds like it might be interesting.”

 

“Oh it is. Tonight is fun too. After all the preparations happen, the locals stay out late and eat and drink. It feels festive, but intimate like a party with all of your extended family. In a way, it’s like Catalina Christmas here. We eat, we drink, and in the morning the Cubs arrive to give us the gift of baseball.” Cas pulled out of the lot slowly and drove the rest of the way back to town like this was a trip of leisure. Dean had grown use to the break neck speeds that Cas employed on the drive. It was nice to feel like he wasn’t this close to flying off the road and down a cliff.

 

Dean rolled down his window to breathe in the air that wasn’t choked by dust now that Cas was driving like a sane man. “So you’ll be taking in the sights tonight I’m guessing?”

 

“Depends.” Cas was back to one word answers apparently.

 

Dean gave him a moment to add to that, but it didn’t come. “Depends on what?”

 

“I have a primary job. Taking in the sights, as you put it, might not be in line with my job.”

 

“Oh.” Now Dean was apparently devolving into the one word response.

 

“So, I can’t really even consider enjoying the fun of eating and drinking and listening to the band play unless my job made that possible.” He glanced over at Dean and Dean happened to be looking at him when it happened.

 

Catching up a moment later, Dean said, “Oh, so if I have every intention of going out to eat, and seeing the sights, so to speak…” Dean let that sentence just hang there while he watched Cas’ reaction.

 

Cas smiled fully now as he stared straight ahead. “I would have to accompany you, just to keep you out of trouble, you see.” Cas turned a little and was still smiling when their eyes locked.

 

“Looks like we have plans then.” Dean laughed a little. He thought about the exchange between them and wondered aloud about the rest of the time that had passed before. “Say, Cas. What do you do once you drop me off at the bungalow?”

 

“Not much.” It wasn’t really an answer, and Dean saw it for the evasion that it was.

 

“No, really. I’m curious. You say you have to keep an eye on me, because it’s your job, but you drop me off everyday, and then you race away. This past week, I could have gotten into all sorts of trouble.” Dean smiled as he said it, recalling how each day had ended with the absolute need to just lay as still as possible.

 

Cas breathed out a little huff of air and seemed determined not to really answer. Dean found a random ounce of patience though and waited him out. “I just drove away from your curb like that for effect.”

 

Dean tipped his head and really looked at him. “Effect?”

 

“Yeah, effect.” He seemed a touch irritated with himself for the admission, but he continued, “I just pulled around the corner and waited out at the bar there to make sure you didn’t get up to anything.”

 

Dean didn’t know how to feel about that. “So you were watching me.”

 

“Not exactly. I mean, I couldn’t really see you in the house or anything. I would just know if you came down to the town or something. After the first night, I had to be sure to not made anymore mistakes. Crowley would make sure that I paid for it if I did.”

 

Dean wanted to respond with a bit of irritation or anger even at having been spied on, sort of, for the past two weeks, but he couldn’t. Instead, he tipped his head back against the seat and said, “I guess it hasn’t been too easy doing this job. Still, watching out for me while I’m sleeping is a bit creepy, Cas.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You’re not, but I’ll take it just the same.” They eventually pulled up in front of Dean’s place and Cas cut the engine. They got out and went inside. Dean called out as he made his way to his room. “I’m just going to change into a lighter shirt.” Cas hung back in the living room in silence.

 

When Dean came back out, Cas was just standing in the middle of the room like he’d just awkwardly wait like that forever if Dean wanted him to. “Ready?” Cas asked.

 

“Yeah.” Dean felt a fresh bit of energy wash over him as they walked out of the bungalow and into the town. The sun was still shining on them, and people were milling about. The harbor glistened like sapphires, and Dean was struck again by how beautiful it all looked.

 

They stopped awhile and watched the band set up. They played a couple of numbers just to practice, they claimed. They were good. Dean found himself tapping out a rhythm on his thigh along with the song. He glanced at Cas at his side and noticed his foot tapping away at the song too.

 

They communicated by just moving. They would walk along the street looking in at the shops and such. Mostly it was just a people watching walk. Occasionally, they’d stop and sit on a beachside bench and stare out at the people that were taking in the sun or eating ice cream cones as they walked. Dean threw an arm over the back of the bench and breathed in the crisp,  salty air. His muscles were still sore, but somehow the soreness was tolerable now on the beach in the afternoon with Cas.

 

Cas sat a respectable distance from him on the bench. If Dean moved his hand up, he’d just touch his shoulder. Of course he didn’t do that. He just breathed, and listened to the wind on the air and the occasional squawk of a soaring gull. It all felt like something he could get use to. “You hungry?” Cas asked after a while.

 

“I could eat. Gabriel worked us all pretty hard today despite the early dismissal.”

 

“Seems to be the case everyday. Some days it looked like you could barely walk out to the car right.”

 

“You noticed that?” Dean asked.

 

“Uh, yeah, maybe.” Cas seemed uncomfortable for a moment.

 

“I thought I was covering it up good is all.” Dean rubbed his hands together in front of him. “Most days I think I’m gonna need to be carried to the jeep and then carried inside.”

 

“You covered well then.” Cas got up and Dean followed. “We can get you a fairly hardy meal over by the Mac Rae there.” Cas pointed and Dean followed the motion.

 

They wandered over and got a seat that let them see out to the ocean. The sun was setting, and they were early for dinner. It was fine though. They had merely just traded one seat for another, and this one at least came with food and beer. They ordered and seemed content as the time and several silences passed.

 

Cas finally broke one of the silences. “Is the filming schedule always this intense?”

 

“No,” Dean said. “Gabriel is known for his unique ways of getting the job done. He’s only yelled at me a couple of times. Mostly he just barks out directions here and there. It’s just his style. Pretty sure he likes me well enough, so I don’t intend to make any waves. Just do my job and move on.”

 

“I heard him yelling the other day for you to,” Cas made air quotes then and added, “‘Play your part.’”

 

Dean laughed, “Yeah, I was saying that I didn’t think that the character would behave the way that he was written. It just seemed out of character for this guy to act like he was all fine so soon after his family had died.”

 

“Reasonable.”

 

Dean nodded at that and said, “Yeah, I thought so. Then Gabe yelled at me. I bottled up the complaint and played the part as it was written. Later, he came to me and explained some things.”

 

Cas took a long pull on his beer and said, “What’d he say?”

 

“He explained the character to me. He said the guy is not fine. In fact he said that he’s all bravado and confidence on the outside but he’s falling apart on the inside. He said that I’m supposed to play him like he’s just barely keeping it together. He’s broken, and he’s just doing what he can to not kill himself with drinking and reckless behavior.”

 

“Oh, that’s a lot.”

 

“That’s what I said. Makes sense though. I gotta respect Gabe. He’s got an eye for details. I’m still not sure why he took a chance with me though. I’m a risky gamble no matter how you look at it.” Now it was Dean’s turn to gulp down some of the beer. Cas watched him.

 

“Maybe he sees a certain kinship between you and the character you’re playing.”

 

Dean blanched a bit and nearly choked on his beer as he swallowed. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Cas seemed to realize he’d offended Dean and stumbled over his explanation a little. “I just meant that,” He picked at the side of the beer bottle and searched for words. “You’ve been handed a difficult situation back home, and you’ve been dealing with it quite well, from what I’ve seen.” He seemed to gain his confidence back and continued, “It’s likely tearing you up a little. I imagine that it hasn’t been easy dealing with all of that, and yet here you are.”

 

“I’m fine.” Dean might have continued if it hadn’t been for the waitress showing up with their food. Cas had a boring looking hunk of chicken on his plate. Dean raised a brow and said, “Well, that looks interesting.”

 

“It’s good.” Cas waved a fork at Dean’s plate. “Yours looks fine, but too much of that shit’ll kill you.”

 

“Whoa, never heard you swear before. Guess you really loosen up with a little beer in ya. Shoulda remembered that from the other night.” Dean laughed.

 

“Sorry. That was inappropriate.” Cas started eating and dipped his head.

 

“Cas, it was funny. You don’t need to apologize. Geeze, learn to take a joke.”

 

“We are doomed to have these misunderstandings repeatedly it seems.”

 

Dean picked up his burger and before he took a bite said, “Yep, that seems accurate.”

 

At least Cas seemed to get that bit of humor. He laughed a little. Dean liked the way his eyes crinkled up at the edges a with the laugh. They finished the meal and the band was playing. Dean ordered some shots. “We just need a couple a shots before we head out.”

 

Cas looked concerned. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I still gotta get you to the site at 11:00.”

 

“The night is young, and so are we. So we drink before we die.” Dean raised a shot glass and drank it down. He slammed the glass back down on the table in front of him. “Now you.”

 

Cas reached over and took the glass. He drank it down in a smooth slow manner. He gently set the empty glass back on the table. “Well, that was nice. Let’s go listen to the band.”

 

Dean laughed at him again. It seemed like the evening was full of that, a gentle kind of give and take of humor. Cas didn’t even seem to know that he was quite funny. Likely why he didn’t get Dean’s attempts at humor before. _Or maybe I’m not funny._ “One more. Anyone ever told you, you take things too seriously?”

 

“Yeah, this one obnoxious actor I know. He’s an asshole though.” He smiled the whole time he was saying it.

 

“Now that was just rude.” Dean got up but Cas reached out to his arm and pulled him back to his seat.

 

Cas waved over the waitress for two more shots. “Well, if I’m gonna swear and hang out with asshole actors, I might as well be a little inebriated while doing so.”

 

The alcohol came and Cas slammed back the shot, but he still set the glass down gently. Dean followed his lead, but he slammed down his shot glass. “Now, that’s what I’m talking about.” He waved over to the waitress for another shot.

 

“This needs to be the last. I won’t be able to drag you back to your place if we keep going.”

 

“So you’re admitting to having to drag me back before?”

 

Cas looked away a moment and then said, “So Crowley gave you all the details about that?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’d hoped that he wouldn’t mention it. Wasn’t my finest moment. I should have kept a better eye on you.”

 

Dean huffed out a breath of frustration. “I’m a grown man, Cas. I don’t need a babysitter.” The shots came and Dean slammed his back. He handed the waitress some money and said, “Thanks for the drinks. This should cover it all.” She nodded at the money and smiled. Dean headed for the door.

 

Cas slammed back the last shot then got up and followed Dean out of the place. “Dean, wait.” He caught him by the elbow.

 

Dean turned to him saying, “What? What Cas?”

 

“We don’t need to fight about this. It’s done. I was just doing my job, am doing my job.”

 

“Look I’m sorry. I just don’t like the way this is all going. I don’t like that Crowley is treating me like a child. I don’t like that you could lose your job at any moment if I just want to get drunk and forget it all. I don’t like that I can’t even just be my…”

 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said into the silence that punctuated the sentence that never ended.

 

“Yeah, you’re sorry, I’m sorry, the whole damn world is just so sorry.” Dean deflated a little. They turned together back to the center of town and walked. “I’m in a good mood, I swear.”

 

“Sounds like it.” Cas elbowed him as they walked. Dean elbowed him back.

 

“You’re actually funny.”

 

“And here I thought that you said I didn’t get jokes.”

 

“You don’t, but you still manage to be inadvertently funny.” Dean was feeling the warmth of the alcohol flowing through his veins. He liked the way it was making things a little fuzzy around the edges. They got to the stage and the band that was already playing. A crowd had formed, and couples were dancing in the street. There were lights hung up overhead, and everything looked a little magical in the night.

 

The night was cool, and the music was curling through the air. Dean swayed a little at Cas’ side and listened to the rhythms of it. The crowd kept growing and he thought that maybe the whole town was out for this. He felt some pity for the guys that had to keep working up at Gabe’s film site tonight. They were missing out.

 

A woman from the crowd approached him. She was wearing a soft cotton summer dress. She stood in front of him like she wanted to ask him to dance, but didn’t know how. She was certainly his type too, deep, dark hair and piercing eyes that seemed to see right through you, or maybe that was the drink talking. “Hello, there,” Dean said.

 

“Hello.” She swayed a bit in front of him. “My name’s Bella.”

 

“Dean.” He held out a hand to her. “You wanna dance?”

 

She nodded saying, “Of course.”

 

Dean gave Cas a nod and took Bella’s hand. They weaved past some other dancers out to the center. The song was slow, which was good, because Dean needed to get his dancing legs back. It had been a few months.

 

Cas looked like he was doing well too. He got dragged out to the center not far from Dean. He heard the girl repeating her name to him, a little too loudly. “No, my name’s Chastity. I live down the street. Well, at least I will for a couple of months.”

 

Cas seemed downright nervous. Dean laughed. “What’s tickled you?” Bella asked.

 

“Just my friend over there, looking like he’s never danced before. I think the gal that hooked him might not know what she’s got herself into.” Dean kept watching past Bella to see it all unfold.

 

“Maybe he’d do better with a fast song.” Bella raised a hand to her mouth and called up to the band at the end of the song, “Kick up the tempo Max!”

 

The guy at the front gave her a nod and counted off, “A one, a one, and a one, two, three, four.” Then the song shot out at them. The speed was certainly faster. Dean changed their position, starting with a box step, then they moved into a spin. He was dancing with someone that knew the moves. They adjusted into a swing dance.

 

Cas was doing better, but the guy still looked nervous. He was matching her moves but, only a little after he was supposed to. Suddenly, Chastity yelped in pain. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

 

Dean was thoroughly distracted by them now. Bella gave up on him and moved off to other more focused partners. Dean moved to Cas’ side. “You okay buddy?”

 

“I stepped on her.” Chastity moved away from him limping. “I should help her.” He started to make his way through the crowd toward her, but a different gentleman came to her aid.

 

“Looks like she’s gonna be okay.” Dean threw an arm over his shoulder and directed him out of the crowd. “You can’t dance.”

 

“I can’t dance,” Cas admitted. They kept walking until they were free of the crowd and on the street heading toward Dean’s bungalow. Dean kept his arm over Cas’ shoulders, more afraid of falling than anything. The drinks were making the world all fuzzy. He liked the warm feel of Cas pressed to his side. He liked it too much.

 

They got to the bungalow and stumbled their way in. Dean flicked on the lights. Cas came in too, but he looked like he was gearing up to leave. “Don't even think about going. You can barely walk, let alone drive.”

 

Cas took a single wobbly step. “You might be right about that. Maybe that's why I couldn't dance.”

 

“Nope, you just can't dance.” Dean walked over to the far wall and the ancient record player there. He came down to a crouch and went through the records in the cabinet. “Someone shoulda taught you way before now.” _What the hell are you doing?_ Even on the early side of inebriated Dean's brain was calling him out.

 

“Never had any use for the skill.” Cas came to his side and leaned into the wall.

 

“Maybe that's why you haven't married,” Dean smiled up at him.

 

“Pretty sure that's not the reason.” Cas smiled back. Dean picked out a record and set it to playing. The needle scratched and then caught. The melody was soft in the bungalow that was all aglow under the one light that Dean had turned on.

 

Dean stood in front of him and said, “I could teach you some basics.”

 

Cas just stared at him. “Dancing,” he finally said. It was like a question.

 

Dean thought that maybe drunken dance instruction might have been a bad idea, but the idea was already out there. “Yeah.” He held up his arms like half of a dancing pair and waited for Cas to meet him halfway.

 

Cas moved forward toward him hesitantly. He slipped his hand into Dean's. His other hand settled on Dean's shoulder. “Like this?”

 

“Well actually, you should move that hand to my waist. The girl puts her hand on the guy's shoulder.”

 

Cas moved his hand down to Dean's waist. “Right, I knew that.” His breath was heavy with whiskey between them.

 

Dean moved Cas by small degrees through a box step, then a spin. He kept the moves slow. It was a little hard to lead Cas. At least the guy didn't step on Dean's toes though. He was not such a bad student. He seemed fixated on Dean's movements.

 

The song changed to something faster, and Dean let him go. “How do we dance to this one? The fast one made me crush that poor girl’s toes.”

 

Dean laughed. “Watch me first, then we'll try together.” Dean went through a basic swing dance. Cas followed the footwork and the extra swivel Dean threw into his hips.

 

The song ended and Cas said, “Pretty sure that dance is beyond me.”

 

“Never know unless you try.” Dean reset the needle, and the song began again. “Come on, give it a go.”

 

Cas got up and moved into Dean's space. Dean could feel each press of Cas’ fingers like a promise. Dean guided him through the dance. His toes survived. They fell to the couch laughing after the song ended. Dean reached over and ruffled his hair. “Guess I did alright,” Cas said after a breath. The record slipped into another soft song, that filled up the background of their moment.

 

“You did.” Dean tipped his head back and closed his eyes. “Haven't had that much fun in years.” He was falling asleep, but he didn't care. He felt himself tipping and tipping until his head came to rest on something warm. A small puff of air slipped past his lips.

 

The last thing Dean heard was Cas’ voice quiet and rough and right near his ear like a kiss. “Me too.”

 

* * *

 

There was no alarm clock to wake him up in the morning, but the way he had slept would certainly come back to haunt him all day with lower back pains. He’d be wise to remember that he wasn’t able to do nights on the couch anymore. His brain was still lingering in the muddy land of not quite awake yet. He clung to it as it was where dreams were, and the dream that was slowly fading was good. Dean saw himself dancing like he had been last night. The lights were hanging overhead, and the band played on. The people were all gone though. It was just him and Cas swaying to the song.

 

Cas’ hair was mussed up, and his white button up shirt was a little undone. His body moved in closer and pressed against Dean’s. It was more than dancing. Dean ran his hand up into his hair and felt the softness of each tendril between his fingers. Cas had both of his hands behind Dean’s back, fingers flared out like wings cradling Dean’s shoulder blades.

 

Dean pulled him close and kissed him. The band kept playing. They didn’t care what Dean did. They weren’t even really there. Dean could kiss him, and kiss him, and drag him home to kiss him more.

 

Dean felt the dream fading and his fingers curled to keep it just a little longer. He could still feel Cas’ hair in his hands. His body rose and fell with each breath. He could feel Cas’ hands on his back still, holding him there. He breathed in a deep breath and braced for the waking, when he realized with a start that he was not at all alone. “Shit,” he yelped as he rolled off of the couch, and Cas and onto the floor. “Shit, shit, shit.”

 

Cas groaned and rolled his body so that he faced the back of the couch. Dean looked at his watch, and he shook Cas. “Stop,” Cas groaned.

 

“You gotta get up.” Dean shook him again. “We overslept. You gotta get up.”

 

Cas rolled back over slowly and barely opened an eye to look at him. “Why are you in my house?”

 

“I’m not in your house. You fell asleep on my couch.” Dean didn’t add that until a few minutes ago he’d been sleeping on top of him. “We have ten minutes to get to the site.”

 

That seemed to jar Cas into a state of wakefulness. He sat bolt upright and clutched his head. “There was drinking. You made me drink too much.”

 

“No, you drank. I drank. It’s all fine. Now get up.”

 

“I’m going to get fired.” Cas kept sitting there cupping his head in his hands. Dean rushed off to the bathroom and ran a hand through his hair. He looked fine enough. He made short work of the time in the bathroom. He’d wear the same clothes he slept in and just not think about it much. Cas was still sitting when Dean reemerged.

 

“I’m getting in the jeep. You want me to drive?”

 

Cas looked up at him. “I don’t know. We won’t make it in time.”

 

“Nope. We’re already late. Doesn’t matter. No one will say anything. Come on.” Dean grabbed him and pulled him up. He was practically dragging him out to the jeep. Cas didn’t seem like he was fully functioning, so Dean reached into his pants pocket and pulled out the keys to the jeep. “Get in. I’m driving.” Cas, actually complied.

 

They were halfway up the mountain when Cas said, “Pull over.”

 

“We’re almost there.”

 

“Pull over.” Cas looked a little pale. Dean pulled over and Cas fell out the door.

 

Dean leaned a little toward the open door. “You okay, buddy?” The sounds of Cas throwing up ended a moment later.

 

Cas got back into the jeep. “We can go now.”

 

“Well, that was fun.” Dean tore back up the road. “You can’t hold your liquor. Well, now we know a few more things about each other. You’ve learned that I’m a hell of a dancer. I’ve learned that you aren’t. You’ve learned that I’m absolutely hilarious. I’ve learned that you are slightly funny when you drink. Good times.”

  
Cas just looked daggers at him and said, “Dean.” He paused for effect. Dean smiled. “Shut-up.” Dean just laughed and drove the rest of the way to the site. With any luck, their lateness would go unnoticed.


	5. When Fish Fly

 

No one said a word about the lateness. Dean rushed from the jeep and got changed without a moment’s pause. He was pretty sure he hadn’t arrived last either. He just hoped that Gabe hadn’t seen or anyone else that was keeping tabs on Cas. Regardless, he’d fix it if it came to that, pay the guy out of his own pocket if need be. He didn’t need to work for Crowley. Dean could hire him just fine for the short term.

 

Dean thought all of this as he worked, but it was more about distracting him from the rest of his thoughts and the night he had spent sleeping literally on Cas. He wondered if it would be awkward once they didn’t have Cas’ hangover as a distraction. He kept that thought at bay as best he could. Gabe kept him running for most of the day, and that was enough to keep any further thought from forming on the Cas front.

 

By the late evening, Gabe finally turned everyone loose with a callback for 8:00 am. Dean groaned and he wasn’t alone. No sense wishing for a weekend when working for Gabe apparently. He made his way back to the jeep and found Cas sitting in the driver’s seat waiting. He was wearing different clothes.

 

“You had a change of clothes in the car?” Dean asked by way of a greeting.

 

“I decided to take a risk and go home to change. Hope it went unnoticed.” Cas pushed the key in and started the car. Dean settled into his space and waited for them to drive.

 

“Pretty sure no one noticed. Seems like no one noticed the lateness either. You should be fine.” Dean reached over and clapped his hand on Cas' shoulder.

 

Cas stiffened at the contact and Dean worried a bit about what that meant. They drove down the hill and the silence weighed heavy on Dean. He worried that Cas had been thinking about the night and the unconventional sleeping arrangements. Dean cursed himself a little as they drove but said nothing. They got to the bungalow and Cas pulled up to the curb. “I’ll see you tomorrow at 7:30.” Cas nodded at Dean as if to say, _now go._

 

“We okay, Cas?” Dean asked quietly, like he wasn’t sure if he should even ask.

 

Cas tipped his head back and sighed. “Yeah.” It seemed like he might not say more on the subject then he looked at Dean and added, “I need to be more professional. It won’t do to be out drinking with you and making you late to your job. I’m going to endeavor toward setting better boundaries.”

 

“So, if I said I was going to go out drinking tonight, blow off some steam, you’d say?” Dean knew he was being unfair just proposing such a thing. The guy looked beat.

 

“I’d go with you.” Cas looked earnest then added, “But I wouldn’t drink or come in for dance lessons afterwards. You’re a good man, Dean. You don’t need me mucking up your life.” He shifted the car back into 1st gear and looked like he was ready to go.

 

Dean got out but he lingered at the door a moment more. “Just so you know, you’re not mucking up anything. I’m already a mess, and for one night at least, you made me forget that. So thanks for that.” He stepped back from the jeep and gave Cas a small nod. Cas returned it and pulled away from the curb and drove away.

 

* * *

 

Dean worked steadily for a couple of weeks without a day off to show the passage of time before Gabe showed some mercy again and told everyone that they’d be getting a day off. During the busy time, Dean never gave Cas an ounce of trouble. He was up and dressed by 7:30 and ready to leave as soon as Cas arrived at his curb. Each day they spent the better part of the drive up into the mountains in silence.

 

Cas answered questions if Dean asked them, but mostly he kept a clear, professional distance between them. The Cubs were in town, so Dean tried conversing with him about that, about the games he was missing and things of that sort. Cas engaged in those topics but not for long.

 

Knowing that Cas had been hired for the impossible task of keeping him out of trouble bothered Dean more and more with each passing day. He considered what it would mean to just change it all, adjust the dynamic. Instead, he kept to himself, did his job, and planned to do what he could to salvage his reputation.

 

Having a day off, although a kindness, was really going to prove difficult. Dean couldn’t imagine what he’d do with the extra hours if Cas wasn't involved. He’d seen the town enough now to know that his options were really limited. He’d walked all up and down the beach during some of the evenings after Cas dropped him off at home. There really wasn’t anything else to be done. “Penny for your thoughts,” Cas asked. And for a moment, Dean thought that a miracle had occurred. Cas had initiated conversation.

 

“I’m trying to figure out what I’ll do with the day off.” Dean drummed at the top of the door frame where his arm was resting in the open window. The crisp island air was whipping through his hair which had grown longer than he'd like. “Guess I could get a haircut.”

 

“Pretty sure Gabe might kill you. That would ruin the continuity.”

 

Dean wrinkled up his nose and said, “Oh, hadn’t thought about that.”

 

“We could take a drive out to Two Harbors.” Cas pulled up to Dean’s curb and cut the engine.

 

Dean thought about what that meant. He hadn’t shut off the jeep since the first night. Dean figured it was some part of him creating that professional distance he seemed to think they needed. Shutting off the jeep might lead to coming in, making dinner, talking. Dean got out of the car to test the theory. “That could be fun.” He stretched out toward the sky and added, “You wanna come in? You can judge my shopping skills.”

 

“You went shopping?” Cas looked momentarily concerned. “That’s my job. You should have told me that you were running low.” Cas had been great about anticipating Dean’s needs. He’d show up some mornings to pick him up with a bag of groceries balanced on his hip that he’d hand over by way of hello. Dean had grown bored the other night though and decided to venture out to the grocery store.

 

“Well, come in and tell me what I missed at least.” Cas got out of the jeep and followed him in. He made a beeline for the kitchen and rummaged through his fridge and cabinets.

 

“You actually did well. I might have to assume that you’ve done this before.” He closed up the cabinet and moved to lean against the table a little.

 

“I’m gonna make up some steaks tonight. You up for that?”

 

“You offering?”

 

“Sounds like I am.” Dean started pulling out the food before Cas could answer. He heated a pan and started situating things around the stove.

 

“Will I survive your efforts? You implied before that this wasn’t something that you were good at.”

 

“I’m not promising anything fancy, but I know my way around a steak. Those are easy to cook. I’m not sure I could do anything too fancy though. I’m more accustomed to cooking with, shall we say, less expensive ingredients.” Cas tipped his head to the side seemingly to ponder that. Dean explained while he cooked. “My pops didn’t make much. He brought home what he could, but the money only went so far. We had some pretty lean nights. Mom taught us some tricks, how to stretch the ground beef with bread and such. Some things though were much more difficult to stretch. Mom worked too, so Sammy and I had to get things on the table. I learned to cook then, but I didn’t learn to do it well.”

 

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Cas’ voice was low and melancholy. Dean turned to him.

 

“No need to pity me, Cas. I turned out fine. I’ve got a good life too. The experience gave me much needed perspective.” He turned back to the steaks that were sizzling their way toward brownness.

 

Cas moved to his side and took the cutting board from its place near the sink. He set a couple of large baking potatoes on it. “Mind if I cut these up? They’ll cook faster if I do.”

 

“Have at it.” Dean turned the steaks over in the pan. He turned on the very small oven to warm up. “I should have done that before. Hopefully it heats up fast.”

 

“It doesn’t, but we’re in no hurry.” Cas smiled and began cutting up the potatoes.

 

Dean watched him a moment then asked, “Say Cas, not that I’m complaining mind you, but why the sudden change? I was starting to think you didn’t plan to even really talk to me anymore.”

 

Cas paused mid-cut and said, “It was what you said the last night, and the unexpected letter I got from Crowley yesterday. It bothered me that you were giving up enjoying life out here because you were afraid of me losing this job. I’d probably still be thinking it all over if it weren’t for the letter though.”

 

Dean interrupted by asking, “So what did Crowley have to say?”

 

“He was all praise. He said that Gabe had told him that you have been a model actor. He said that Gabe was impressed by your punctuality and professionalism. He told me that he believed that I was instrumental in this so called turnaround.” Cas made air quotes again around some of the words, and Dean suppressed a laugh.

 

“So he never found out that we were late that day?”

 

“He didn’t. So, I guess that made me feel like maybe I don’t need to be so…” He seemed to struggle for the word.

 

Dean decided to help him. “Rude, standoffish, stupid, inconsiderate, cold…”

 

Cas interrupted, “Yeah, that.” He smiled and went back to cutting up the potato. He stopped again a few moments later and said,  “You know, I keep forgetting that I have all of your mail out in the jeep. I should probably fetch it for you.”

 

Dean turned his head and asked, “My mail?”

 

“Yeah, Mr. Crowley set up your deliveries here along with the letter to me. He even had your mail forwarded. He said that you’d be gone too long to let it accumulate back home. He only just told me about it the other day via the letter.”

 

“I probably should have set the forwarding up before I left, but I figured my assistant back home could take care of it. Not my most thoughtful move.”

 

“Well, it’s coming here now. Apparently, Crowley went by your place to check up on things and decided that this was necessary.”

 

Dean reached up to the shelf above the stove and retrieved the garlic salt. He sprinkled it over the steaks. “That’s actually a bit thoughtful of him. Did it just start arriving today?”

 

“No, it apparently started arriving earlier this week.”

 

“Oh, well, you should get me the key so I can pick it up myself. You shouldn’t have to do that.” Dean glanced over at him as he spoke.

 

“It’s no trouble for me. I have to go there for my own mail anyway.” Cas waved off toward the north. “Nothing gets delivered to the houses. Some of the businesses get deliveries, but not through the post office.”

 

“So you’ve been collecting my mail all week?”

 

Cas seemed to be concentrating on his cutting of the potatoes a bit more than necessary. He set the knife down and said, “I grossly underestimated how much mail you would be receiving. I did not check until this morning, and it was rather shocking. In the future, I will retrieve it on a daily or twice daily basis.”

 

“It can’t be that bad.” Dean laughed. “You said it’s in the jeep?” Cas nodded. “I’ll just go get it. Make sure the steaks don’t burn.” They wouldn’t burn. He’d only just turned them over. Dean wandered out to the jeep and lowered the back. Inside was a medium sized box filled to the top with letters. It wasn’t that much. He laughed again at Cas’ shock over how much mail had accumulated. This was actually a little light for a nearly full week. He suspected that not everything had found it’s way to him yet.

 

He scooped up the box and carried it into the house. He deposited it on the coffee table in front of the sofa and ran his fingers over the pile of envelopes. Cas came to the doorway between the two rooms and watched him start sorting--fan mail, personal mail, and business mail. The stack of fan mail was decidedly the largest. He stopped sorting and got up. “I think I’ll move the steaks into the oven. The potatoes ready?”

 

Cas moved aside to let him pass and said, “Yes, I put them on a baking sheet.”

 

Dean checked the steaks and found them to be ready. He put the whole pan into the oven and set the potatoes on the small rack below them. He came back out into the living room to find Cas staring down at the mail. “It’s really not so much mail.”

 

Cas looked at him like he was joking. “It’s more mail than I’ve received in my lifetime. You got all of this in a single week.”

 

“Most of it is unimportant.” Dean shrugged and sat down again. “Wanna help me sort it?”

 

Cas pulled over the small easy chair and said, “Sure. I don’t think I’ll know what goes where though.”

 

“I made Benny help me a bit, and he didn’t know either. When in doubt ask. Business correspondence will always look like this.” He lifted up an envelope with a series of names in the return address. “Or this.” He set aside the first envelope for the second larger manilla envelope. “This one is likely a script.” All of those go in the business pile. So, just sift through for those kinds of things. I’ll take care of the rest.”

 

“Sounds doable.” Cas started sorting. They worked their way through the box with Dean occasionally opening one to read and then sort. Halfway through the box, and Cas said, “Benny Lafitte?”

 

Dean froze up a little and looked at Cas. He was holding a letter in his hand. He turned it toward Dean. Benny’s familiar scrawl rolled across the envelope. “Give it here.” It sounded rude, but Dean didn’t think on it much. Cas handed over the envelope. “What made you notice this one?”

 

“You said someone named Benny helped you sort before. It’s not a very common name, so I noticed it in the pile.” After another moment Cas asked, “He’s that actor you sometimes work with right?”

 

Dean tapped the envelope against his palm, debating about whether or not to open it with Cas here. He could save it and wonder about it for the rest of the evening. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound accusatory. And yeah, he’s that actor. He’s my friend.”

 

“I didn’t mean to do whatever it was that I did.” Cas got up and added, “I’ll check on the steaks.”

 

“Don’t check too much. I don’t want to lose the heat.” Cas moved off to the kitchen. Dean opened the letter. He laid it out on the pile of unopened letters in front of him and just stared at it in the abstract. The words were just streaks of black ink. They could always be that if he didn’t focus.

 

They hadn’t spoken since the article came out. He worried that Benny would be angry or damaged by the story. He had Andrea though. That might help.

 

He focused on the words then and read them, hearing each one in Benny's drawl.

 

_Dean,_

 

_I hope this letter finds you well. I first need to apologize. I never would have guessed that my actions would be so misconstrued. Andrea has told me at least a million times that I don't see the world as others do._

 

_Still, that's no excuse. I've taken the liberty of writing a letter stating just that. I've sent it to you though as I don't know if you would approve of my sending it directly to the editor. If you do approve, feel free to send it without hesitation._

 

_I am saddened by the fact that our friendship cannot be as easy as it has been these many years. You've been a brother to me, family. When Andrea and I marry, it's you that will stand at my side as the best man. I can only hope that time will be the great healer in all of this, and that you will find a way to not let yourself carry this on your shoulders alone._

 

_With deepest apologies and friendship,_

 

_Benny_

 

Dean slid the letter aside. The next slip of paper was the letter to the editor that Benny mentioned. Dean didn't read that. He decided that he wasn't going to send it even as he was reading. They didn't deserve a reply. Sometimes the greatest insult one could give was to just ignore the offending party as if they didn't matter or even exist.

 

He wasn't sure when Cas returned to the room, but he was standing at his side as if he appeared out of nowhere. Dean jumped. “Shit, Cas. Didn't hear you come back.”

 

“Sorry. Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah.” He thought about the situation a moment more and added, “Actually, it's great. The one thing I'd really worried about was how this whole thing was going to look for Benny. He actually thought that he owed me an apology.”

 

“Hmm,” Cas moved to the seat across from Dean and began sorting the mail again. “Would it be invasive if I asked about what actually happened?” Dean looked over the mail and then leveled his gaze on Cas. “Nevermind. I don't know what I was thinking.”

 

“No, I just needed to think about it for a moment.” Dean leaned back into the sofa. “I met Benny years ago when I was first starting out in Hollywood. He played a vampire and I was some sad sap that was stuck in monster land. The plot was unimportant. What was important was that Benny was kind to me. I was new to the biz. Benny and Andrea took me under their wings.”

 

Cas set the last of the envelopes in the pile in front of him. Dean got up and walked to the kitchen. He considered the oven. “They'll need another ten minutes at least,” Cas said. He picked up some pot holders though and set them on the counter.

 

Dean sat at the table and watched Cas get the plates and silverware. He continued his story. “Eventually he got a great part, and I thought that would be the end of our friendship. I was a jerk.”

 

“I'm sure that isn't true.” Cas looked sincere. Dean had to smile at that. It was laughable really. It was almost like Cas had forgotten that he was the guy that tackled him on the side of the road when things didn't go his way not that long ago.

 

“Well I was. He'd been nothing but kind, and I just up and assumed that he would toss me to the curb the moment he got success.” Dean laughed then. “You know what he actually did?”

 

“No,” Cas said.

 

“He got me a part on the film with him. He let me ride shotgun, basically. He got me out of a life full of dead end parts in movies no one wanted to see.”

 

“He sounds like a great friend.”

 

“He is.” Dean ran a hand back through his hair. “He was always quick to show kindness and affection. He's not like me. I keep that business bottled up. He and Andrea always welcomed me into their home by hugging me and kissing each cheek. Andrea was from Greece. She said that was just how they did things there.”

 

“Is that true?”

 

“I don't think they'd lie to me.”

 

Cas smiled at the thought. “I need to travel more.”

 

Dean laughed at him. “What, you're not getting enough attention here?”

 

“Could be better. Could be way better.”

 

They both laughed and Dean said, “You and I both, buddy.”

 

“Now that is definitely a lie,” Cas laughed again.

 

Dean just shrugged. “You see anyone here with me?” Dean drummed at the table a little. “Guess that's why things went wrong.”

 

“What do you mean?” Cas folded his hands in front of him.

 

“Well, you asked about what actually happened.” Dean couldn't look at him. He focused on the oven. “Anna and I broke up. It was rough and public. Crowley tried to tell me to get out of that early on, but I didn't listen. She said some nasty things publicly.”

 

“I remember reading about that.”

 

“Yeah, everyone seemed to read about that. I remember you mentioning your gossip knowledge before too. Funny thing though, you really don’t seem the type to spend time on gossip rags.”

 

“Not much else to read at the barber shop while you wait for a cut and a shave.”

 

“Guess not.” Dean got up and checked the steaks. “How cooked you want this thing?”

 

“Medium rare.”

 

Dean picked up the pot holders. He removed the steaks and potatoes and set them on the stove top. “We just need to let the steaks rest a bit first.” He came back to the table and sat.

 

“I'm really starting to think that you lied about your cooking skills.”

 

“I may have lied a tiny bit.”

 

Cas tipped his head to the side a little. “Why would you do that?”

 

“It's what you do when you want something, and you don't know how to ask for it.” Dean kept staring at the steaks like he was worried that they'd escape or something. Instead of explaining anymore of what he meant, he dove back into his story. “So, after the whole business with Anna I went to see Benny and Andrea. Benny greeted me just like always, but Andrea wasn't there.”

 

“Why does that matter?” Cas asked.

 

“It matters because if she were there, it would look like a bunch of friends that kiss hello. Without her, it looked like all the stuff Anna was hinting at was true.”

 

“Oh.” Cas didn't say anymore than that at first. Instead he got up and checked the steaks. He came back and took Dean's plate. “It's unfortunate that it matters to people.” He put a steak on a plate and came back for his own. When they both had steaks in front of them, Cas was the first to dig in. Dean just sat there processing Cas’ response. It wasn't typical. Nothing about him was going to be typical it seemed. “You gonna eat or just stare at that steak until it eats itself?”

 

“Thanks, Cas.” Cas just nodded, and Dean picked up his fork and knife and dug in.

 

* * *

 

The meal was pleasant and quiet. When they finished, Cas picked up the plates and washed them in the sink. He set them aside and said, “We should go for a walk. It's not good to sit too long after a meal like that.”

 

“That sounds made up, but a walk sounds good anyway.” Dean grabbed a light jacket and followed Cas out the door.

 

The night was a little cold. It was still winter, but winters in Catalina were never so bad. Cas was radiating warmth at his side, and Dean was focused on it more than he'd care to admit.

 

“Too bad I didn't plan better.”

 

Dean asked, “Plan for what?”

 

They came to the beach and stopped. The tiny waves gently lapped at the shore. The little white boats tied off in the harbor rocked a bit with each of the small waves. “I imagine that you haven't seen the flying fish of Catalina yet.”

 

Dean laughed, “That's a thing?”

 

“Sure is. You have to take a boat out at night to see them.”

 

Dean laughed again. “Sounds like you're gearing up to send me on an old fashioned snipe hunt, Cas.”

 

“Not a bit. They're real as anything. They leap up out of the water. It's quite the sight. Part of me was hoping that one of my friends would be out here tonight. I thought I'd get him to hand over his boat to me for the evening.”

 

“You're not gonna convince me that fish fly.”

 

Cas scanned the rows of boats and said, “I guess we'll have to see them another time. We could get a boat in Two Harbors tomorrow, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.”

 

“Why? Does Two Harbors have more vicious flying fish?” Dean was laughing as he asked.

 

“No, the problem is more connected with a different sort of safety issue.” Cas pressed his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. “They only really come out after dark. So if we went out on a boat to see them at Two Harbors we'd be driving home well after dark.”

 

Cas stopped explaining then like no further explanation was needed. “Okay, I'll bite.” Dean laughed at him again. “Why can't we drive at night?”

 

Cas’ brows came together. “Because of the bison, of course.” He turned away from Dean then and seemed to scan the rows of boats again. One was moving toward the dock. The full moon overhead illuminated it just enough for them to see the name at the front, painted in big, bold, black letters--El Perro. “Well, speak of the devil.”

 

Cas left his side and practically jogged over to the pier where the owner of the boat was tying off. Dean watched as the two of them talked rather animatedly. “Because of the bison. I’ve clearly been talking with a raving lunatic.” Dean waited and watched. Cas clapped the man on the shoulder and pointed in Dean’s direction. The man turned and looked toward Dean. He gave a little wave. Dean waved back, and then they started walking along the pier toward the shore.

 

The water shimmered under the light of the full moon. Someone was playing a record somewhere. The song was carried along on the little night breeze. It was a lovely night even if it was a little cold. “Dean Winchester, well as I live and breathe.” The man that Cas had been speaking with, stood in front of him now with a grin so wide it was hard not to mirror it.

 

Cas stepped up alongside him and said, “Dean, this is Garth. He’s a bit of a fan.”

 

“Now, Cas, that is not how you introduce someone.” He held out his hand to Dean though and Dean took it. Garth kept on shaking Dean’s hand for a little too long. “I mean, I am a fan of your work Mr. Winchester.”

 

“Call me Dean.”

 

“Oh, I can’t do that Mr. Winchester. I’ve been watching your films since you were in _The Land of the Vampires._ ” He finally stopped shaking Dean’s hand.

 

“Well, thanks for that. I’m not sure that anyone should have to sit through the early catalogue of my works.” Dean tossed a little glance at Cas then.

 

“So, Garth said that we could borrow his boat,” Cas said.

 

“My ship,” he placed an extra emphasis on the word ship, “She is at your disposal. Now of course, Cas knows that I’m going to need her back before I go out in the morning to fish.”

 

“She’ll be back well before then.” Cas ran a finger in an X over his chest and said, “Cross my heart.”

 

“I trust you. That’s what you do with your best friends, silly.” Garth gave him a slight slug to the shoulder. Garth turned back to Dean and said, “So, Cas was just joking around with me out at the boat there.”

 

Dean interrupted and said, “Cas? Pretty sure you got something wrong there. He is never very funny.” Cas was funny. In fact, Dean enjoyed Cas’ humor. Dean just liked poking fun at him a bit.

 

“I’ll have you know that I am quite funny. You even said so yourself.” Cas looked just a little serious when he said it, then his lip curled up into a half grin. Dean shrugged. _Guess I did admit that out loud._

 

“Yeah, well most of the time you are all serious. ‘We have to get to the site on time Dean. I expect you to be ready.’ And blah, blah, blah.” Dean adopted a high pitched voice to mimic Cas which was entirely ridiculous since Cas’ voice was the lowest roll through gravely cadences Dean had ever heard.

 

Garth decided to chime in then. “Cas is always cracking jokes. Except when he’s not comfortable. Guess you haven’t been making him feel comfortable enough yet.”

 

“Ah, Cas, have I been making you uncomfortable?” Dean laughed.

 

“Well, you did tackle me the first day we worked together. Not exactly inspiring.” Cas rolled his shoulder up into a shrug.

 

“Wow, and here I thought bi-gones were bi-gones. Didn’t realize you were hanging onto this.”

 

Garth chose that moment to edge past them both. “Anyway, it was nice meeting you.” Garth left in as much of a rush as he arrived. Dean barely had time enough to wave back as he passed.

 

“He always like that?”

 

“Like what?” Cas was still staring off at Garth as he left.

 

“So…” Dean turned in the same direction and said, “Happy?”

 

Cas gave Dean’s elbow a little tap to get him moving. “Yes.” Dean followed him. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sad. Even when there’s plenty to be sad about, he finds a way to see the silver lining. It’s nice.”

 

“So what was the joke you were telling him?”

 

Cas waved a hand out at the boat that was really too small to be called a ship. Dean boarded and looked back for some way that he could help. Cas was untying the ship from the pier and hopping in though. “I was just telling him that you’d never seen flying fish and seemed to have forgotten about the bison.”

 

“Can’t forget about bison if you’ve never heard that they were here. How’d you even get bison out here?”

 

Cas laughed and said, “Everyone knows about the bison. They came here with the crew that was filming that Zane Grey movie.”

 

“Well, I guess I missed the great bison memo.” Cas moved past him to start up the engine. He waved Dean to a seat which Dean took. Cas guided the boat out of the harbor. “I’m also unconvinced about the fish too, just in case you were wondering.”

 

“You have so little faith.”

 

Dean watched him as he adjusted the speed a little. “Not much to do with faith. I mean, why would fish need to fly? They have everything they need in the sea.”

 

Cas sped up a lot more, and Dean could feel his body getting sucked back into the seat. “Maybe they do have everything that they need.” He turned to Dean then and added, “Sometimes it isn’t about need. It’s about want. Maybe they just want to feel what it is to fly or be somehow, however briefly, free from the confines of their usual world.”

 

Dean thought about that for a moment and wondered when they stopped talking about fish. “You haven’t always lived on this island have you?”

 

“I told you before that I lived all over the place.”

 

“Yeah, but you never said anything more than that. Where else did you live?”

 

“I spent some time in Europe, specifically near Poland.” Cas stared straight ahead. His voice had taken on the serious tone again.

 

“Which branch were you in?” Dean asked.

 

“Air Force. I know, ironic right? Seems like a guy that’s living on an island would pick the Navy or something.”

 

Dean shrugged and said, “Nah, Air Force seems to fit too. Noticed that they had a bunch of seaplanes here. You ever fly them?”

 

“No, I don’t fly anymore.” He seemed like he’d be content to just let the conversation die right there.

 

Dean pressed on, “Why not?”

 

“Did you enlist?”

 

Dean rubbed his hands on his jeans a little and stared straight ahead. “I did.” Everyone knew of his time in the service. He didn’t see much action. He enlisted with fame and fanfare. He got assigned some easy duties at first, then later he was sent off to combat. He’d been in the Army for the most part. What he saw in the end, lingered in dreams and ended sleep in nightmares. He saw less of it though that most. For that he felt guilt, far more so than he perhaps should have.

 

“Then you know how sometimes you just can’t.” He explained enough with that half sentence, that Dean understood.

 

“Did your enlistment end after the German surrender?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, so did they send you to the South Pacific?”

 

Cas let out a loud huff of air. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Dean stood up a bit and moved to the front of the boat. Cas drove on, hugging the coastline. Five minutes later, he cut the engine and joined Dean.

 

“I’m sorry.” Cas leaned against the edge of the boat and peered out at the moonlight dappled waves.

 

“I push sometimes. You don’t need to apologize.” Dean reached out then and set a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “We okay?”

 

“Yeah.” Cas smiled. “Prepare to be amazed, Dean.”

 

“Oh, I’m prepared for disappointment.” Cas laughed at him and moved to the prow. There was a light mounted there. He angled it so that the beam of light that it would cast would illuminate the area in front of the ship. He turned on the light and then moved to the other end of the boat. He rummaged around a moment and came back to Dean’s side with a cup of bloody looking fish guts. Cas flung the guts out into the sea in a wide arch.

 

“Now we wait.” He said with a grin.

 

“Not gonna lie, that was pretty gross.” Then there was a slight noise to his left. Then another. And eventually he thought that he was maybe seeing something. “What the hell?”

 

“Told you.” Cas sounded as smug as he looked with his arms crossed over his chest.

 

Then ten, twenty, forty, a hundred, so many fish were flying up out of the water and into the air. Dean sucked in a gasp. “Oh my God.” They weren’t just jumping out of the water, they were flying out of the water, soaring somehow as they hit the air.

 

“And this isn’t even the right season for them. We’ll have to do this again in the summer.” Cas elbowed him a little as he spoke.

 

“I’m amazed. I’ve never seen anything like this.” They stood side by side in the boat as it rocked a little on the waves. The fish kept flying. Dean threw an arm up over Cas’ shoulder and said, “This is maybe the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

He felt Cas stiffen a little under his arm, so he looked at him then slid his arm away. “I’m glad you liked it.” Cas’ head dipped down to his chest a little. He turned off the light and moved back to his seat at the steering wheel. “You ready to head back?”

 

“Ready when you are.” Dean moved back to his seat and watched as Cas started up the engine again. “You okay, Cas?”

 

“I am. I just don’t get out much. I sometimes forget how to just be comfortable in my own skin.” Cas turned the boat back the way they had come. He drove along the coast and the two of them stayed quiet all the way back to the harbor. After Cas tied off and Dean got out of the boat. They walked together back to the bungalow.

 

“So what time do you plan to drag me out to Two Harbors?”

 

Cas stopped at the front of his jeep as Dean rounded to the other side. “How early can I show up?”

 

“How does 9:00 sound?” Dean kicked at the edge of the curb a little.

 

“Sounds like an hour later than I would have hoped for.”

 

“Wow, guess I was trying to be too polite. Show up at 8:00 and I’ll be plenty ready then.” He turned then and went to his door. He could hear Cas laughing in his wake.

  
“See you tomorrow then.” With that, Dean went in the house, and he could hear Cas driving away.


	6. Two Harbors

 

Dean’s hands clutched the sheets as he dreamed. In his mind they were not sheets. His fingers wrapped around the thin fabric of Cas’ shirt. He moved with him to the melody that wrapped around them in the cool night air. They migrated back to the bungalow together, looking at each other in lingering glances as they made their way home. Dean watched him move, mapped the contours of muscles that he could make out through the fabric of Cas’ clothing. He’d done it enough times when he was awake that the dream was likely accurate.

 

His hands curled again into the sheets, and he held on as he leaned in close. He dreamed a kiss, a reciprocation. He dreamed that Cas’ mouth tasted of whiskey and his skin held the salt of the island air on it. He wanted more, a taste of what it might be to linger in the mornings, hands woven into Cas’ hair. He wanted to know what it would be to hear Cas’ desires too, without the fear of someone taking it all away. He dreamed of the feel of rough stubble on his lips. He dreamed of the sounds he’d coax from Cas if he could get him to his bed. He dreamed of moments that all spun from the night they’d danced and slept on the couch together. He dreamed and dreamed until his heart pounded too heavy with want and woke him up.

 

The night was long after that. Dean stared at the ceiling for hours before he finally gave up. He was thinking too much, replaying the evening and all that had been. _I’m here to make a new start not the same stupid mistakes._ He must have told himself that in every conceivable way while he laid in the bed trying desperately to just sleep.

 

He’d only known Cas for just over a month. _What was I thinking?_ He thought of the way that he looked as they stood in the front of the ship staring at those impossible flying fish. His hair was mussed up by the wind. His eyes shone with moonlight. Dean couldn’t help but throw his arm over his shoulders in a show of camaraderie. At least that’s what he tried to tell himself, that it was a friendly move.

 

He tried to tell himself the same thing with Benny too, but that was also, not true. At least with Benny, he had years of build up. He had an actual long standing friendship. And it was all of that that would save the relationship in the end. One simply doesn’t just show up on one’s friend’s doorstep unannounced only to immediately kiss said friend full on the mouth.

 

Benny didn’t reciprocate. He didn’t make a scene about it either though. Instead, he stepped back. Took Dean’s hand and lead him into the house to talk about it. It made it all the more awful for Dean to read Benny’s words on the subject. _An apology. He apologized and made it sound like he kissed me._ It was almost too much. And within hours of reading Benny’s words he was out on the water with Cas, nearly making the same mistake again.

 

He felt the loneliness deep in his bones. He could generally push it aside when he was actively dating someone. He could lose himself in the role. It was likely why he was so good at being an actor. He was always acting. He had made a life of it.

 

He got out of bed and wandered around the dark rooms, turning on lights as he went. The whole place was really rather small. There was the living room with its shelves, sofa, and easy chair. There was the too small kitchen with its dining table and two chairs. There was the hall that he was currently standing in and the bathroom to his left. There was the bedroom on the right. Behind him was a closet that was locked. He had figured that the prior occupant had stowed all of their stuff in it during the time that he was occupying the space.

 

He gave the doorknob another little jiggle as if the thing would now magically open. It didn’t. He walked around the rooms again, and that took mere seconds. None of the walls had pictures on them. All in all the place was a little barren. He came back to the door in the hall and came down to a crouch in front of it. The lock was simple. Dean stared at it a moment longer. He was sure he could pick it.

 

He’d had years of practice with doors like this one. Any time Sammy got himself into a tizzy, he’d lock himself in his room. Dean, being the one in charge while his parents worked, would have to find a way to get past the door. Over the years, it became a kind of game between them. They’d time each other to see how fast each one could get past the locks and into the room. Dean was always fastest. Sammy was no slouch though.

 

Dean went to the kitchen to see what he had that might pass as acceptable lock picking tools. He found some things that he felt would work and came back to the door. He knew that deep down this was a huge invasion of privacy, but he wasn’t interested in entertaining that thought much. He needed a distraction, and this would provide it. The whole thing was really just about picking the lock and not thinking about Cas or Benny. It wasn’t about seeing what was on the other side.

 

He crouched down in front of the doorknob and set to work. It only took him twenty seconds to get it opened. Closet doors were easy. He got back up and turned the handle. There was a bare bulb hanging inside with a pull cord. He reached up and turned on the light. The closet was quite full of pictures and linens and boxes. The pictures were framed and stacked on one of the shelves. He wondered why they had bothered taking them down.

 

He reached out and picked one up. “Oh.” The face staring back up at him was entirely familiar. He ran his fingers over the glass. A slender black man stood alongside Cas. Cas’ face stared up at Dean from the picture. “Of course the owner of the house must know him.”

 

He set the picture aside and picked up another and another. Cas was in a fair number of them. Dean even found one where Cas was in his Air Force uniform. He didn’t mean to be invasive, but now that he’d looked at all of the photos he needed to know more. He pulled out a box from the bottom shelf. It was filled with a bunch of papers and several loose photographs. Dean rummaged through it a moment in the closet before committing to taking it out to the living room.

 

He set it on the table and took a seat in front of it. He just stared at it for a moment. He knew he was crossing a line here. He stood back up and reached inside. He pulled out a manilla envelope. Inside was a DD214 form. Dean knew what it was as he had one of his own. This one was different though. Being discharged from the military meant receiving one of these. Cas’ name was listed at the top just as Dean’s name was on his own form. The difference in this one was slight and deep at the same time. This one had the label “Undesirable Discharge” at the top. Dean stared at it for a moment. He slid it back into the envelope and returned it to the box. He stared at the box after and considered what it all meant.

 

In the end, he got up and put the box back into the closet. He made sure that the pictures were where they belonged. He locked the door up again and went back to his bed. He was certainly distracted. It didn’t lead him to an easy sleep though.

 

* * *

 

Dean was barely functional as he nearly stumbled out to the jeep in the morning. “You okay?” Cas asked.

 

“Just tired. The drive should wake me up.” Dean got into the passenger seat and Cas rounded the jeep to his side. Dean looked into the back seat and saw that Cas had packed a picnic basket and some blankets.

 

Dean was still looking into the back seat when Cas said, “I figured we’d get hungry out there eventually. I took the liberty of packing some food for us. There isn’t exactly much out there.”

 

“Nice. I just assumed we’d be eating bison or something.” Dean turned back to the front as Cas started driving.

 

“They are tasty, but I lack the skills necessary to properly butcher and cook one while out in the country.” Dean laughed at that. “You didn’t sleep well?” Cas asked a moment later.

 

“Yeah, sometimes I think too much.” Dean drummed at the side of the car.

 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Let me know if the accommodations prove problematic. I can always get a different mattress or better blankets.”

 

At first Dean just hummed out acceptance for that. Cas picked up speed and seemed to fly up the hill away from Avalon. “Hey Cas, who lived in the bungalow before me?”

 

Cas didn’t answer right away. Dean waited. “No one important. Why’d you ask?”

 

“No reason.” Dean waited. “Just wondered is all.” Cas hummed out a response to that. “Tell me about the owner then.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m just curious. Any reason why you’re avoiding the answer?”

 

Cas pulled off to the side of the road and leveled his gaze on Dean. “Why are you asking?”

 

“It’s your home.” He didn’t say it as a question. He knew it was Cas’ home, but what he didn’t know was why he’d give it up to a complete stranger.

 

“It is.” He pulled back onto the road and drove onward up the mountain. “How’d you find out?”

 

“Not important. Why’d you let me live there, and for that matter, where are you staying?”

 

“I told you, I’m living with my father. It’s not a big deal. Crowley paid me a fine sum to find you a place to stay while you were here. It’s not easy finding acceptable long term lodging. I figured my place was as good as any. He said it would do, but that it was a bit on the small side.”

 

“It’s plenty fine,” Dean said. “I just don’t get why you should have to give up your house for me.”

 

“I’m getting paid for this. Besides, I’ll have you know the money is going to a good cause.” Cas slowed down for a sharp turn in the road. It looked like the whole journey would be made of switchbacks that snaked up and over the mountain.

 

“What’s the good cause?”

 

“Garth and I are going to open a restaurant. I’m going to do the cooking, and he’s planning to run the business end of it. He’s organized and he even plans to bring in fresh seafood for the menu.” Cas glanced at him and continued. “He’s one of the few people I’ve met that seems to genuinely care. He is a true friend, and I can only hope to do well enough in this endeavor that he ends up with a solid business.”

 

“He seems like a good guy.” Dean asked, “So you cook more than burgers huh?”

 

“I do. I had a bit of experience before in the military, and now I get to put it into a different kind of practice.”

 

Dean thought about what he knew concerning Cas’ military record. “You do know that most people don’t want to go out to a restaurant that serves military food right?”

 

They both laughed at that. “I’m aware, Dean.” The road dipped down into the first valley. The view was stunning. Dean had brought a bag with him that he’d tossed into the back. He had his camera with him and figured he take a few pictures. “I did get experience though with making food for large numbers of people. Working in the mess is a good experience even if the food quality is lacking.”

 

“I agree there.” Dean reached back for his bag and pulled it up to his lap. “Hey, you mind stopping for a second? I want to take a picture of the view.” Cas stopped and Dean hopped out with his camera in hand. Cas got out too and came to stand at his side. Dean looked back at Avalon, so quaint in the distance. He snapped a photo of it. He turned back to the rolling stretch of hills that were in front of him. The lush green of it all was truly beautiful. Cas stepped away from him and picked up a couple of rocks. He tossed them one at a time off into the valley below. Dean waited a moment more and took a picture of him as the tossed the a small rock. Cas turned back to him as the camera clicked. Dean smiled. “Seemed like a moment that should be captured.”

 

“Me with my back to you throwing rocks?” He smiled as he asked it though, so Dean figured they were okay.

 

“Yeah.” He got back into the jeep and Cas did too. They drove on in silence for a time, and Dean hoped that the image would turn out. He hoped too that he had caught the moment when Cas was slightly turned his way. It would be a good shot, one worthy of saving.

 

* * *

 

Dean didn’t mind the quiet. There was comfort in it. Cas made it feel normal. Every now and then he’d steal a glance at Cas. And every now and then he caught Cas doing the same. Dean was stealing one such glance when Cas announced, “Well, looks like we’re here.” They’d been meandering through the hills for a few hours. Cas stopped occasionally so that Dean could take more photographs. “It’s not much, but it is nice to look at.” Cas got out of the jeep and Dean followed. The area was a little barren. There was a row of old barracks on the one side of the road and a few run down looking buildings. An old man sat on the porch in front of one of the buildings. He rocked lazily back and forth with a pipe hanging out of his mouth.

 

Cas gave him a little wave and walked with Dean over to him. “Heya Frank.” Cas stepped up to the porch and Frank held out a hand. They shook and then Frank turned his attention to Dean.

 

“Who’s this?” His words came around the pipe still perched on his lip.

 

“This is Dean Winchester. He’s in the movie that they’re filming just outside of Avalon.

 

“Now there’s an honor without being a distinction.” He held out his hand to Dean and they shook. “Seems they’re always filming something out here. Name’s Frank.”

 

“Nice to meet you.” Dean let go of his hand and looked down toward the harbor. A few boats were there, but not like Avalon.

 

“Franks been living out here for what seems like forever. If there’s ever any history you want to know about the place, he’s your source.”

 

“You don’t say.” Dean leaned back into the porch post and asked, “So what can you tell me about this Novak guy here?”

 

“Now that would just be idle gossip and not history at all.” Frank laughed.

 

Cas said, “Frank just keeps track of the interesting history. I’m not interesting enough yet.” Cas wandered off the porch.

 

“You’re plenty interesting. I just don’t cotton much to gossip.” Frank turned back to Dean and added, “Cas here is a good man. Fought for our country out in Poland. He saved people. You’ll never hear him talk of it though.”

 

“Now that’s enough of that. Dean didn’t come out here to listen to old war stories. He came out here to see Two Harbors.”

 

“Well, that is going to be done and over with in less than five minutes.” Frank waved a hand around and said, “Here’s Two Harbors. Have fun on your drive home.”

 

Cas moved to Dean’s side and tapped his elbow. “Come on. Let me show you around.” Dean followed and turned back to Frank one last time to say goodbye or something. The guy had already retreated back indoors though. “Don’t worry about Frank. He’s just a little rough around the edges.”

 

“Seems like he was a little offended there,” Dean offered up.

 

“He’s always offended by one thing or the other. Why do you think he chooses to live so far off the beaten path?” They wandered back to the jeep where Cas pulled out the food basket. “You’ll want to bring your camera, I imagine.” Dean reached into the jeep and pulled it and the bag out and slung it over his shoulder.

 

They wandered down a trail away from Frank and his side of “town.” Cas looked pleased as he walked. Dean started to whistle a tune, something from some film he had seen before diving into the island life. They got to the shore and Cas stopped and let Dean take it in. “It’s gorgeous.” Dean slipped off his shoes and socks and set them in a small pile on a nearby rock. “Doesn’t anyone come over to swim here?” There was a small rowboat wedged up on the sand.

 

“Not so much. That’s Frank’s boat there. We can use it if we want. Might be fun to take it out of the harbor and around the bend.” Cas waved at the water a bit while talking.

 

“I’m game.” Dean rolled up his pants legs a little and walked down to the water. It was cold on his feet, very cold.

 

Cas set their stuff in the boat and went back to grab Dean’s bag and discarded socks and shoes. He returned and put them in the boat too. “Come on then.” He started pushing the boat into the water and climbed in before it got too loose from the sand. Dean got in too, and they used the oars to push themselves out to sea. Cas took the oar Dean had been using and began rowing them out into the water.

 

“Let me know when you get tired of the rowing. I can do my part.” Dean leaned back into the boat and gazed at the passing land and the sea.

 

“Will do.” Cas rowed. His muscles stretched taut with each move the oars made. Dean did his best not to watch too closely. He sat back up after a few minutes of failed subtlety and opened his bag. Inside he had packed a pair of sunglasses. He located them and promptly put them on. _This should help._ Now when he found himself looking, it would at least go unnoticed. Cas rounded a bend in the land. There was a small stretch of sand, a barely there beach. Cas angled into it and beached the boat. “This seems like a good spot to eat.”

 

Dean’s stomach gave a bit of a rumble in response. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until just then. “Guess I agree.” They hopped out of the boat and together dragged it up the sand a bit more. Dean grabbed his bag, and Cas grabbed the picnic basket. Cas walked up the beach and set the basket down. He opened it and pulled out a thin red blanket. He spread it out on the beach under a tree that seemed to be jutting out of the side of the mountain.

 

“So what kinds of food did you whip up for us today, Cas.” Dean plopped down onto the blanket and looked into the basket as Cas moved items out of it.

 

“Nothing exciting. I made a small salad and some sandwiches. There’s a couple of slices of cake for dessert too, should we want that.”

 

“Sounds great.” Dean reached in and pulled out a couple of beers. “You even remembered the beverages.”

 

“Couldn’t forget that.” Cas smiled. He handed Dean a sandwich and took the beer from his hand. “Here, let me open that.”

 

Dean handed him the bottle. He handed it back. It was still a little cold in his grip. Dean took a generous swig and unwrapped his sandwich. Dean wasn’t sure if it was the hunger or if Cas was really just that talented, but the sandwich was one of the best things he’d ever tasted. “Pretty sure you could just sell sandwiches at your restaurant.”

 

“Really?” Cas raised a brow of doubt.

 

“Yeah, people would come over from the mainland for them for sure.” Dean made short work of eating the rest of it. Cas watched him, a pleased little look on his face. “It’s hard to believe I’ve only been here a month.”

 

“I was just thinking that last night.” Cas leaned back into the blanket and stared off at the ocean waves and the beach in front of them.

 

“What, I’ve already driven you crazy?” Dean laughed.

 

“Hardly.” Cas had that serious look again.

 

“I do feel a little bad about taking over your house though.” Dean laid back on the blanket and stared up at the blue sky past the tree’s branches that stretched out over them.

 

“You shouldn’t. Just remember that you are getting me that much closer to owning my own restaurant.” Cas laid down now too and rolled onto his side to face Dean. “You’ll need to come back and let me treat you to a meal once we get it going.”

 

Dean rolled onto his side and faced him. “I’d like that.” They were close like this. Dean felt safe here, like he could just let this be whatever it was. There was no one around. The mountain loomed large over them. The ocean stretched out for miles and miles. It was quiet and peaceful and warm in the sun.

 

“I think I might swim a bit.” Cas got up suddenly and moved off toward the water. He was wearing way too much clothing to just go right into the water. Dean watched and wondered what he’d do about that. He hoped he’d solve the problem slowly, though he shook that thought away in the next instant. He was accustomed to such thoughts gliding their way into his consciousness. He knew that it wasn’t safe to entertain them for very long though.

 

He watched past his sunglasses as Cas unbuttoned the white linen shirt that he was wearing. He laid it gently on the boat. He seemed to be unbuttoning his trousers next. He slipped them down to his ankles and took them off. He folded them gently and laid them beside the shirt. Dean held his breath and watched everything that was unfolding in front of him. _He must know what he’s doing._ Dean thought as Cas made his way to the water in just his boxers.

 

He turned back to Dean then, and said something that Dean couldn’t hear, because the blood in his ears was roaring. “Say again?” Dean called back to him.

 

“I asked if you were going to swim too?” He was just standing there, feet in the water, looking like he was soaking up all of the glistening sunlight into his tanned skin.

 

“Uh, yeah. Give me a sec.” He thought about the way he was feeling in the moment and the effect that Cas was having on him. He couldn’t just strip down now. He needed to calm down. He got up and slowly undressed. He thought of home, and of all of the uncomfortable things one thinks about when situations like this arise.

 

Cas was in the water now, swimming out to the open sea. Dean thought about how fast he could get into the cold water. He slipped off his trousers and the bite of spring air nipped at him a little. _Yeah, that’s helping._ He ran down the beach to the water and went right on in. It was so cold that he let out a rather undignified yelp as the water hit his sides. “It’s a little cold,” Cas called out to him, clearly hearing his yelp.

 

“You don’t say.” Dean swam out toward him. He wasn’t so far off that it was deep. Dean could still brush the sandy floor with his toes as he tread water alongside Cas. “How’d you get in so fast?”

 

“Guess I’m just made of stronger stuff than you.” Cas splashed him in the face and swam away.

 

“Asshole,” Dean shouted after him. He was sure he heard him laughing as he swam away. He decided to swim after him. When he caught up with him, he tried shoving him under the water. Cas sputtered as he came up, and Dean dove at him again.

 

“Seems like you’re the asshole now.” Cas dodged Dean’s next attempt and caught him instead. He pushed him under with more strength than Dean thought he possessed.

 

When Dean finally resurfaced from the dunking, he was pressed up against Cas’ chest. It wasn’t part of the plan. It was just how things ended up. He could feel Cas’ hand glide up his arm beneath the surface of the water. He could read into the move. He could read a lot into the move. Dean’s feet were planted firmly in the sand. They had managed to move in closer to the shore. Dean looked out to the open sea. No one was out there. He glanced up at the high stretch of hillside behind their picnic. Cas followed his gaze.

 

Neither of them moved apart. Dean wondered if they were both thinking the same thing. Cas’ fingers were still dragging lazily over his arm beneath the surface of the water. They could tell themselves that as long as the sea covered them, it wasn’t real, wasn’t happening. It was happening though. Dean could feel it happening. He could feel Cas pressed against him, and they were absolutely thinking along the same lines. Dean sucked in a deep breath and prepared himself.

 

Dean reached for him beneath the waves and the sky and let his fingers brush over Cas’ hip. He dipped his head to him and brushed his lips over Cas’ own. It was light and timid, like he thought he might face rejection. He was braced for it, had to be in light of how his last kiss turned out. Cas didn’t reject him outright. He didn’t deepen the kiss either though. He just stayed and let Dean linger in his space.

 

Dean had his eyes closed. He was afraid to open them, afraid of what he'd see if he did. Instead he opened his mouth and let one word fall from his lips, “Cas.”

 

He'd have said more, but Cas’ fingers moved up to Dean's lips. “Shh, don't change this by talking.”

 

Dean opened his eyes then and looked at Cas, really looked at him. “What do you mean.” He spoke past Cas’ fingers despite the command.

 

Cas dragged his fingers from Dean's lips, back into his hair. “We should get out, eat some cake.”

 

“Okay then.” Dean moved away from him swiftly. He'd felt rejection before. It felt a lot like this and different too. There was a look in Cas’ eyes. Dean thought that it might be pity.

 

He sloshed up out of the water toward the blanket and his clothes. “Dean,” Cas called to him.

 

Dean turned back and said, “No, don't worry about it, Cas. I get it. We'll have cake, get back in the boat, and go home. We'll just forget this ever happened.”

 

“I wasn't saying that.” Cas moved to his side.

 

“You didn't have to.” Dean could barely look at him.

 

Cas reached up and angled Dean's face so he had to look at him. Dean tried to look away. Cas wouldn't let him. “I was slowing us down.”

 

“Why?” Cas was holding Dean's cheek now.

 

“I'm afraid.” Cas didn't elaborate.

 

“Afraid?” Dean pushed.

 

“I could ruin you. If we aren't careful that's exactly what will happen. I can't do that again.” He looked away, out to the waves beating the shore. His voice was a low graveled thing, quiet and sad.

 

“The things that happened to me with Benny, that was just on me. You have nothing to do with that.”

 

Cas looked at him confused. “I wasn't talking about you and Benny.”

 

“What do you mean then?”

 

“I was,” Cas seemed to be struggling with what he wanted to say. “I was talking about my own choices. How I failed.” His voice shifted then, and he seemed to be growing frustrated. “Believe it or not Dean it isn't all about you.”

 

He turned away then. If Dean had really been processing it all he might have handled it better. In the end though he just heard rejection, and that was that. “Fine Cas, fine. Let's just get dressed and head back.” Dean dressed with some degree of speed. He didn't look at Cas or try to talk through things. He just gave up. When he turned back to him, Cas was dressed and standing by the boat. Dean gathered the picnic items and his bag and carried it all to the boat. “Thanks for helping with the packing,” Dean snipped.

  
Dean climbed in and Cas followed. Cas picked up the oars and pushed off into the ocean. He began rowing. “Thanks for making today so pleasant.” Dean didn't look at him, but he felt the bite in the tone. It would be a long journey home. The silence would eat away at him.


	7. Time and Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken some liberties with how long the Cubs spend doing the whole Spring Training thing in Catalina. I maybe added around two extra weeks to the time. It needed to be done so that I could do what I wanted to do with the plot. Hope that was okay.
> 
> Additionally, this might be one of my least read chapter fics ever. I suppose it is due to the WIP part, but if anyone wants to reblog the tumblr link, I'd appreciate the promotional help. Much love to you all, and we're in the home stretch on this.

 

Cas barely stopped at the bungalow when he dropped Dean off. Dean thought for a moment that he might say something, but he felt the waves of anger rolling off Cas. He got out of the car, and Cas tore away from him, too fast for the small island roads. For a moment Dean just stood on the curb with his bag in his hand. The crushing weight of the day sat heavily on him. He trudged up into the house and set his bag on the couch. He walked past the locked closet and into his bedroom.

 

He had every intention of letting sleep wipe away the day. Of course that didn’t happen. Hour after hour of thoughts and replayed memories devised a program of torture against him. There was Benny, gentle, kind Benny holding his hand and telling him that they’d always be friends. That he was his brother and that family is more than blood. “In all this world I managed to find my other half. You’ll find yours too one day.” He meant it to be confort. Truth be told it was. Dean knew then that it could have been an absolute disaster.

 

The sad part was that he knew he wasn’t in love with Benny. He’d just loved him. He’d felt so broken for so long that any kind of love would do. So he went to him. He sought him out because he was safe and true and kind. He sought him out and pressed his lips to him before he could protest, not because he really wanted him, but because he needed to touch someone and be touched by someone that was real and good and loved him.

 

Dean never even considered that someone might see, or that someone might tell. He didn’t think at all. On that, Crowley had been right about him. He dove in head first into action without considering the consequences. Except, that wasn’t entirely true. Every day was a careful consideration of his role and what would happen if he stepped outside of it. That one misstep with Benny was the product of so much loneliness, so much tightly wound up days, that Dean had to just break a little.

 

If Benny had responded in any other way, Dean wondered if he would have gone through with anything more than a semi-chaste kiss. _Likely not._ He told himself time and again. Cas was different though. The quiet bond that had been building up between them with the short drives up into the hills, the dinners, and the walk on the beach, was not like anything he’d felt with Benny or even Lisa or Anna. This was something that seemed to be carving itself into his bones and his soul.

 

He dreamed of him most nights, eyes harbor blue staring down at him. He dreamed of raking his fingers through that messy head of hair. He dreamed of kissing him, tasting the skin that ran from his neck down to his shoulder. He dreamed of the strength in Cas’ arms and thighs. He dreamed of what the man could do if they just got half a chance. He thought that they were on the same page.

 

But Cas didn’t kiss him back. It was just like it had been with Benny, except maybe worse. He was gentle and touched him like he’d break. Dean thought he knew what that meant. He read it as a kind of rejection. Dean had had enough of that lately. It was better than the yelling rejection he’d received from Anna, or the quiet disappointment he’d gotten from Lisa, but it hurt in a way that he thought he’d carry around for longer.

 

 _I’m afraid._ He finally thought about Cas’ words after the pity he wallowed in for most of the night. _I’m slowing us down._ Dean supposed that he’d have to do that if he wanted to stop things. What they were doing couldn’t have been any slower. It was barely a kiss. Any slower and it would be standing close and just staring at each other for something like eight years. Dean thought he could do that. He could spend the foreseeable future staring at Cas, but God he wanted more than that.

 

Dean closed his eyes then. _I've been a jerk._ He sat up and stared out the window at the back yard of the neighboring house. He got out of the bed and wandered to the kitchen. He searched the cabinets for something harder than beer. Coming up with nothing, he ventured out to the living room.

 

 _Cas didn't deserve that._ He ran his hand back up through his hair. _Guy just wants to get enough of a stake together to start a restaurant. He doesn't need this._ Dean curled up on the couch and closed his eyes. _He especially doesn’t deserve this after what he must have went through after the war._ Dean sat back up. _The DD214._

 

The words on the form “Undesirable Discharge” came with many added connotations. It was used as a sort of marker for men such as himself, men who were attracted to other men. A DD214 with that label was practically worthless. Cas could get benefits with that form, but then he’d basically be handing over a document that was telling the world what he was.

 

Rarely was the term used for other reasons. A DD214 could open doors for you, get you a good job. It just had to say “Honorable Discharge” on the top. One with the other label though would shut every door. He could try getting a job without claiming to have served, but everyone knew that he had, and even if he tried to start up again somewhere new, what able bodied man of his and Cas’ age wouldn’t have some record of service? _He’s damned no matter what. No wonder his dad was pushing him to get a job._ Dean considered that Cas’ dad likely didn’t know about the paperwork issue. It likely seemed strange to the man that his son was not using his military service to get work.

 

 _No wonder Cas was afraid._ Dean hugged his knees to his chest on the couch and thought of what could have lead to the labeling of Cas as an “Undesirable Discharge.” Dean realized then that he must have been caught in a compromising situation or perhaps he had shared too much of himself with the wrong people. Cas didn’t seem like he’d trust just anyone, but maybe that was a byproduct of what happened in the war. Dean fell asleep some time later with all of those thoughts coursing through his head. At least in the morning he could apologize. _Maybe I can fix this._

 

* * *

 

The morning came and Dean felt like all of his muscles were tied in knots. He got ready and waited on the porch for Cas to arrive. Time seemed to pass slowly. Dean kept checking his watch. At five minutes to 8:00 he knew that something was wrong. Cas was never late.

 

He got up and paced the curb in front of the house, debating about what to do. If he didn't show up, Gabe might mention it to Crowley who might fire Cas. Dean didn't want that. He felt very responsible.

 

Instead of going back to the house, he walked down to the main stretch of road, flanking the front of the town. There were some cars present there on most days.

 

He walked past the drugstore and felt lucky. A nicely dressed man was getting into a car with a bag held at his hip. “Hello,” Dean began. The guy turned to him. “Could I pay you for a ride?”

 

The guy smiled. “You're that actor right?”

 

“Yeah, that'd be me.” Dean smiled back.

 

The guy reached out and opened the passenger side door. “No need to pay me. Just hop in.”

 

Dean thanked him and with a few directions, they headed off to the filming site. He wasn't sure how he'd get back later, but he didn't rule out walking.

 

Gabe asked about Cas, but Dean blew off the question, saying he gave him the day off. The shoot was intense enough that day that no one had time to think about that.

 

A new actress joined the shoot. She'd be playing the love interest. She was attractive with chestnut brown hair and deep blue eyes. Dean thought that it'd be easy to feign attraction. When they finished shooting the last scene, Dean made his way to where Cas use to wait for him with the jeep. He had hoped during the day that Cas would just be there.

 

“You okay?”

 

Dean turned when he heard the question. “Oh, hey Hannah.” She smiled at him, and Dean was still struck by how much she reminded him of Cas. “I just thought that my driver might come by to pick me up.”

 

“I could give you a ride.” She walked to a small car parked near where Cas would park.

 

“I’d be right grateful.” Dean followed her over and opened her door for her. He rounded the car and got in on the other side. They drove down the hill and Dean couldn’t help but look out to the road ahead for Cas’ jeep. He kept up a constant hope that maybe Cas was just late. Hannah pulled up to the curb and didn’t cut the engine. Dean got out. “Thanks for the ride.” Dean leaned into the window of the car and smiled at her, his most charming grin.

 

“You think you might need a lift tomorrow?” she asked.

 

“Not sure. You offering?”

 

“Well, I am staying in the Mac Rae, so it’s plenty close.”

 

“I guess I’d be a fool to turn you down, especially since I’m not sure that Cas will be feeling well enough to dive back into his job by tomorrow.”

 

“Is Cas your driver?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean started to leave the window. “So, tomorrow around 8:00 then?”

 

“Sounds good. See you tomorrow Dean.” She drove off then, and Dean watched with a hand to his brow to shield his eyes from the sun that was setting over the harbor. He turned then and went back into his house to make dinner and figure out how he was going to make things right with Cas.

 

* * *

 

The week passed in this way. Dean didn’t see even a hint of Cas, and Hannah drove him to and from the site everyday. She was easy to be around. He made her dinner on Friday and tried not to think of Cas. He talked about his time in Hollywood, the films, the parties. She talked of home and family, but vaguely. Dean never asked where exactly she came from or any probing details. She was new to the industry and viewed this film as her big break. Dean could see her going on to big things. She was talented and humble. He liked her and not just because she reminded him of Cas.

 

Another week and then another passed. He managed to get a key to his post office box. He had a lot of mail that had accumulated over the weeks that passed. He didn’t stop wondering about where Cas went or what he was thinking. With the passage of time though, he did start to feel a bit hopeless.

 

Hannah drove him home one day after work and he made her slow up as she turned onto his street. He looked back over his shoulder out the back window of her car. He could have sworn that he’d seen Cas just walking on the side of the road. When he turned though, he was gone. Dean turned back and made some excuse. Hannah dropped him off just like always.

 

He thought that it might be the full moon that beckoned him out again. It had been a month of not seeing him, yet imagining that he was seeing him everywhere. He ate his dinner alone. Afterwards he put on a jacket and made his way out for a walk. The town was busy. The Cubs were at one of the bars having dinner and drinks, celebrating. Dean considered going in, rubbing elbows with the players and fans.

 

It was too much for him though. He didn’t feel much like spending time with anyone really. He kept walking to the end of the street and then crossed over to the beach. The boats swayed with the waves and the sounds of someone singing drifted to him on the breeze. “Hey there Mr. Winchester.” Dean turned and saw Garth strolling up to him.

 

“Hey yourself, Garth. I thought I told you to call me Dean.” He reached out a hand and Garth pulled him into a hug instead. “Oh, so I guess we’re doing that.”

 

“Yeah, I come from a long line of huggers.” He stepped back then and clapped Dean on the back. “How’ve you been?”

 

“Can’t complain.” Dean’s mind was running at top speed over the many ways that he could tactfully ask about Cas’ whereabouts. In the end he opted for direct. “So, you seen Cas lately?”

 

Garth tipped his head a little to consider the question. “Everyone’s seen Cas. He ain’t exactly hiding.”

 

“What do ya mean?”

 

“He’s been slinging hash over at Jack’s. Joshua’s been working him a bit too since the Cubs came to town.” Garth ran a hand up through his hair. “Too bad it didn’t work out, him working for you.”

 

Dean considered the last bit and asked, “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, Cas told me that you had to let him go, that his schedule working the spring training season would get in the way too much.”

 

“Is that so?” Dean pushed his hands into his pockets. “I’d like to talk to him, but he’s been avoiding me. Any chance you know where I might find him?” Garth looked like he was trying to come up with a way to say no. That made sense since he clearly had more loyalty to Cas than Dean. “Look, he’s confused. I never fired him. In fact, I was shocked when he didn’t show up to drive me to work. It’s a misunderstanding that I intend to fix. Think you can help me out?” Dean did his best then to look desperate. It wasn’t hard seeing as he was a little desperate.

 

“Well, of course I’ll help you Dean.” Dean felt a bit of relief when Garth used his first name. “Follow me. He’s likely at the tavern.” Dean followed at his heel. He had thought a lot about what he’d say, but none of it seemed adequate enough.

 

“Is he usually there?”

 

“Lately. The other night he was singing even. His sister's back in town, and they've been reconnecting. They were pretty close growing up.” Garth reached out to the door and pushed it open. Dean followed him in. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna skedaddle. Don’t want him to know I ratted him out even if it’s for a good cause.”

 

“Thanks Garth.” Dean gave him a quick pat on the arm as he made his way into the crowded room. Garth slipped out the door behind him. Dean snaked his way around tables and chairs filled with large groups of boisterous people. He scanned the faces until he got to the tables at the back.

 

There was Cas. He had a tumbler of some sort of amber drink in front of him. Hannah was sitting at the seat next to him. “Well, Dean Winchester, you do venture out of your little house,” Hannah said in her singsong voice. She smiled at him with a look of pure joy and kicked out the seat across from her. “Sit.” Dean followed the order and looked at Cas steadily while he did so. “Cas, this is funny huh?”

 

“No, Hannah.” Cas kept his voice low while he spoke. He pushed away from the table. “I think I’ll be going. It’s been a long night, and I have an early day tomorrow.” He started to get up, but Hannah grabbed his arm.

 

“You cannot go!” She looked from Dean to Cas. “Dean just got here, and I know full well you haven’t talked with him since I first started filming. And if I have to hear either of you go on about the other while pretending that I don’t know the rest of the story, I’m sure gonna go crazy.”

 

“Rest of the story?” Dean felt something inside himself drop.

 

Cas spoke up then, “I told her that I was your driver and that you had to let me go. Scheduling conflict.”

 

“And I know that’s not true at all. You said point blank that you gave him the day off because he was sick, then you said that he was just taking a little break. You never once said you fired him.”

 

“That’s because I didn’t.” Dean squeezed his hands into fists on his lap. He wasn’t sure why it made him angry, but it did. Cas had been telling people that he’d been fired, that Dean had actually fired him.

 

“It’s okay, Dean. Everyone understands. I’m just too busy with my dad and the spring training schedule.”

 

Dean turned to Hannah then and asked, “You think you could give us a minute?”

 

“Of course, Dean.” Hannah got up and gave him a wink. “I’ll swing by tomorrow just in case you still need a ride. If you’re not there, I’ll assume that you worked this out.” She waved a hand over the table.

 

“Thanks.” Dean turned his attention back to Cas, but now that Hannah was gone, he’d lost his words.

 

“Well, now you’ve made things difficult.” Cas leaned back and leveled a glare at him.

 

“How you figure?” Dean mirrored his posture. “I just told the truth. I didn’t fire you. I wouldn’t fire you.”

 

“Yeah, well it was a good explanation. Now what do I tell people?”

 

Dean had to look away a moment. He’d come up with so many ways that this conversation was supposed to go. It was not going down any of those paths. “You could come back. I don't know.”

 

“I don't think that will work.”

 

Dean leaned in closer, dropped his voice to a whisper. “I promise to respect your wishes. I won't,” he swallowed down the lump of worry growing in his throat. “I won't bother you.”

 

Cas started, “That's not it.”

 

Dean interrupted, “I know you need this money. I never told Crowley that you stopped showing up. Far as he knows you've been taking care of things this whole time.”

 

“I'm working with my dad.”

 

“I heard, but he wanted you to do this job, right? He wanted you to spread your wings or something”

 

“I can't, Dean. You don't understand.” Cas dropped his forehead to the table.

 

“Then you need to make me understand. Make me understand, Cas.” Dean started to reach out to him. As his hand brushed Cas’ arm, Cas jumped up from the table. He rushed past Dean and out of the bar. A moment later and Dean was following him. Dean looked down the empty street, and seeing nothing, turned the other way. In the distance he saw Cas. He ran to him. “Stop, just talk to me for Christ’s sake.” Dean caught his arm.

 

“I’m going home. Let me go.” Cas shook his arm free and continued moving down the road. He turned a corner. Dean followed him.

 

“I’m not letting you go until you talk to me.”

 

“Well, you don’t get to make people do your bidding.” Cas was nearing the bungalow.

 

Dean caught him again as they got to the front of the house. “I just can’t stop feeling like I need to fix this.” He didn’t like that he sounded so defeated, so broken.

 

He felt Cas’ hand on his arm. “There’s nothing to fix.”

 

Dean looked up at him. “Then why does it feel like everything is broken?”

 

“Oh, Dean.” And Dean didn’t know if he could stand the pity that rested in his tone. He looked away, wiped a hand over his eyes, and moved to the porch of his bungalow.

  
“I’m sorry. It’s obviously just me. I did this. I ruined this.” Dean went into the house and closed the door behind him. He stumbled back to his bed, his vision clouding with tears. It was more than Cas. It was everything. He thought he heard a knock at the door, but he’d locked it behind him. He was done trying. He was done with damn near everything.


	8. Take Me Out to the Ballgame

 

He dragged himself out of bed and got dressed. His face felt swollen from the rough night. He had managed to sleep but not much. Dean knew that he couldn’t keep going on like he had been. He barely knew Cas, and yet he felt like he knew him so well. He couldn’t shake the feeling that had he just handled things better, it would all be so different.

 

At the same time he knew that he couldn’t ask anyone to take this leap. He especially couldn’t ask it of someone that he maybe cared for. He wanted more for him. He also didn’t want to feel all of this. He told himself that it’d be easier if they could have some form of friendship at least.  

 

He got a cup of coffee and drank it down in just a few gulps. He finished getting ready and made his way out to the porch to wait for Hannah. She, like Cas believed in being on time if not dreadfully early. He opened the door to find not Hannah but Cas just sitting on his porch steps. Cas tipped his head back and looked at him. “So you’re finally up. Been waiting forever.” he got up then and walked over to his jeep, parked right at the curb. “Hannah already came by.”

 

Dean walked down to the car. Cas opened the door for him. Dean just stood there. “Cas?” He thought he might be dreaming still. There was this odd surreal nature to the whole thing.

 

“Yeah,” Cas leaned on the door a little while he waited for Dean to get in. “I told her I’d be driving you to the site for the time being, unless you changed your mind about the job.”

 

“I haven’t changed my mind.” Dean just kept standing there.

 

“Well, you need to get in if I’m going to drive you somewhere.” Dean still just stood there. “Unless you need me to toss you into the car like before. I mean, at least this time you’re wearing pants.”

 

Dean smiled and got in the car. He wanted to hug him, tell him how much it mattered. Instead he just said, “Thank you,” the moment that Cas got in the car.

 

“Don’t thank me yet. You’ve had Hannah’s company all month and frankly she’s always been a better conversationalist.” Cas started the jeep and they roared away from the curb toward the site. Dean didn’t know what to say or how to fall back into the old patterns. He let the silence settle.

 

“How’d you meet her?” Dean kept darting his eyes from the road ahead to Cas and back. He knew at any moment he could wake up in his cold bed just like always.

 

“Funny thing,” Cas started. “Known her my whole life.” Cas shifted into a lower gear as they started the climb up the mountain.

 

“That can’t be. She only just got here.” Dean felt his nerves sparking out a little in his fingertips. He flexed his hands in and out of fists.

 

“Yeah, well she’s the reason I got the job with you. She’d auditioned back on the mainland. She’d been trying for years to get into a real picture. She’d done some small pieces. She dances, sings. She always got the background roles. Well, when Gabriel saw her, he said she was a natural. When he told her that he’d be filming here, she told him about her family on the island. She told him about me.”

 

“She’s related to you?” Dean was just watching Cas now as he drove. Cas stared straight ahead.

 

“She’s my sister.” Cas pulled over. He turned to Dean. “She heard that dad was pushing me to get a job that would, as you put it, help me spread my wings. She also understood why he wanted this for me. I can’t say that it was the right call, but I understand, and I respect him for what he was trying to do for me.”

 

“Your dad?”

 

“Yes, I think once you meet him, you’ll understand.” Cas turned a little more in his seat. “I never meant for you to feel like you were a problem. The problem is me.” It was a quiet confession. Dean didn’t know what to say, and he thought he’d probably say all the wrong things if he tried. Instead he stayed silent. “I can’t take risks. I’ve gotta think beyond my own desires.”

 

“Your own desires?”

 

“It's not all about me.” Cas turned back to the road in front of him. “You don’t know me, Dean. You don’t know what I’ve done, who I am. Let me just do this job. I’ll drive you to the site. I’ll pick up your mail and groceries. I’ll say goodbye when you inevitably leave.”

 

Dean waited in the silence. He wanted to disagree. He wanted to say that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he’d stay right there with Cas until the end. It wasn’t true though. This was always going to be temporary. This gig, this film, it was great, but it wasn’t a forever deal. He had a home in Hollywood. He had a family back in Kansas. His efforts were making things easier for all of them. He set up the payments for Sam’s college. He made it so his mom and dad could retire early. He had to stay the course. Cas was right. There was no other path but this one.

 

“I understand. I’ll be happy with that. I promise not to push for anything more.” Cas glanced at him and then reached out a tentative hand that he set on top of Dean’s in the space between them. Dean didn’t move. Cas gave his hand a tiny squeeze then retreated back into his own space.

 

“Thank you Dean. Thank you.” Cas pulled back onto the road and drove to the site. Dean focused on what he had to be, who he had to be for the good of them all.

 

* * *

 

Life became predictable again. It was easy to fall into the rhythm of it all. Days came and Cas was there. Evenings came and Cas drove him home. He’d go to his cabinet to make dinner and find food that Cas had purchased for him. He’d sort his mail and find that Cas had already done most of it for him. He’d still dream of him at night. That might never change. Dean felt that he could live with that thought. Dreams were safe so long as they didn’t become acts. That way was trouble.

 

As the days passed, Hannah proved to be an exceptional actress. Dean enjoyed working with her. She was graceful in a way that made everyone want to watch her. She’d smile and everyone would drop what they were doing to be near her. Between scenes Dean wandered off to snag a cup of coffee from the snack guy. He found Hannah there already sipping from her cup.

 

“Hey there.” Dean moved to her side.

 

“You should take a cup out to my brother. He was up late last night.”

 

Dean looked at her and asked, “He doesn’t seem like the stay out all night type.”

 

“It wasn’t all night, just late. He was helping dad finish some of the grounds after the team left the field.” She took another cup and filled it with coffee. She took tree lumps of sugar and dropped them in.

 

“Rather sweet,” Dean noted.

 

“Yeah, he’s like that.”

 

“Why’d they spend so much time working on the grounds? The last game is today, then they just go home.”

 

Hannah was stirring the new cup of coffee now. Dean couldn’t imagine that all of that sugar would actually melt into it. “It’s a last impression, one they hope will bring them back the following year.” She looked at him then and said, “You follow baseball at all?”

 

“A bit. Why?”

 

“Well, there’s been talk of them leaving the island, like permanently.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t think that was possible. Wrigley’s family owns most of this place. Why would they move to anywhere else?”

 

She handed the coffee to Dean. “Go take this to my brother. He’ll explain. It’s complicated.”

 

Dean took the cup and started to leave. “Hey Hannah, uh, why didn’t you mention before that he was your brother?”

 

Hannah nodded in the general direction that she wanted him to walk. She moved to his side and they headed toward Cas in the parking area. Hannah spoke once they got clear of the crowds. “You should talk to him about his past and about why he’s afraid beyond the obvious reasons. He’s been down this road before.” Dean stiffened at her side as they walked and she seemed to notice. “Yes, I know everything. It’s okay. I don’t understand it in most respects, but I’m his family, and I don’t care about anything more than him.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It was a feeble denial at best, but Dean made it anyway.

 

“That’s fine.” She came to a stop and Dean did too. “When our father died, our mother did her best. It was rough. She struggled something awful.” Dean heard the southern accent that sometimes came through Cas’ words. “We each worked and did what we could. Mom met someone and fell in love, necessitating a move. We bounced from town to town after that.”

 

“You said your dad died, but I thought that Cas lived with your dad here.”

 

“We do. When they moved here, I started calling him dad, and so did Cas. He loved us like we were his own flesh and blood. Nothing else matters but that.”

 

“And your mom?” Dean asked.

 

“She died when we were still young. It’s good that we chose to live here. Anywhere else and Joshua might not have gotten to keep us. The island seems to follow a different set of rules from the rest of the world. People are different here. There’s a lot that’s still the same.” She stared off at Cas, and then returned her pointed gaze to Dean. “But it’s better than most places I’ve seen.”

 

Dean reached out and took the cup of coffee from her. “Thanks Hannah.”

 

“Well, here’s to hoping Gabe lets us out early enough to catch the last game.”

Dean nodded in agreement and headed over to the jeep. Cas wasn’t outside leaning in his oh so casual way. He appeared to be sitting inside with a newspaper spread over the steering wheel. When Dean got up close he could see that he was really just sleeping. He set his coffee on the hood and knocked loudly on the window in an effort to scare him.

 

It worked. Cas nearly jumped out of his skin. “Shit.” The single explicative sent Dean into a fit of laughter far too great for the moment. Cas wasn’t much for swearing though, so Dean was greatly entertained. He got out of the jeep then and leaned back against it. “You done for the day?”

 

“No, just brought you some coffee.” He passed the cup to him and then took his own off the hood to finish drinking it.

 

“How’d you know?”

 

“Hannah, she’s a gossip.” Dean smiled as he said it.

 

“Well, in this case, I’m grateful. I was not going to be awake enough to get us safely back down the mountain.

 

“She said you had a late night working with your dad on the grounds.” Cas nodded. Dean continued, “She also said you’d explain why the Cubs might make this their last year here.”

 

Cas looked a little startled. “You can’t go around saying that. I sure hope she only mentioned it to you.”

 

“I was the only one listening, near as I could tell.” Dean leaned into the car alongside Cas and adopted his casual posture.

 

“Well, it needs to stay a secret. No sense in riling up the people over something that they can’t fix.” He took a loud gulp of the coffee, and Dean watched the roll of Cas’ throat as he swallowed. “Dad said that if this was to be their last year here before they go off to dry, depressing Arizona, then we’d best make the place look perfect. We want them to remember what they’re leaving behind, and maybe if we’re lucky, it’ll make them come back.”

 

“So they’re heading off to Arizona like everyone else?”

 

Cas nodded. “Yeah, seems like. They haven’t made it official yet, but it would make sense to be where the other teams are. This was always doomed to end. All good things do.”

 

Dean wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he thought that Cas was talking about more than the Cubs in that moment. “Maybe it doesn’t have to. Has anyone bothered talking to Wrigley about the move. Maybe he can be convinced.”

 

“Doubtful. He has to do what’s best for the team. They depend on him. If this place isn’t able to give him what is needed, then he has to leave.” And Dean noticed the shift from the plural they to he. He was certain that Cas was also talking about him leaving the island once the movie wrapped. _I hate goddamn metaphors. Talking is hard enough without this added layer._

 

Dean tipped back the last of the coffee and set the empty cup on the hood of the car. He leaned and knocked Cas’ shoulder just a little. “Maybe you’re not seeing the bigger picture. What’d you do to the grounds last night?”

 

“We planted flowers for color, touched up the paint on the stands, and redid the lines. It looks brand new.”

 

“Maybe that’s what the Cubs need. Maybe it’s nice for them to have someplace that is just for them, a place to come back to every year where they don’t have to worry about other teams and what they’ll see in them. Maybe it’s nice to come here, where people spend all night making your world a more beautiful place, where someone cares more than they can articulate. Maybe that matters more than anything that one could leave for.” Dean hoped as he let out the last breath of a sentence that Cas understood.

 

“I wish that were true.” Cas looked at him, really looked at him.

 

Dean heard Gabe’s booming voice then, “Come on people, let’s get this done so you all can go see the game.”

 

Dean smiled. “Guess someone told him that more than just this movie was happening today.” Dean wandered off to rejoin the set. He looked back to Cas midway into his journey and saw that he was watching him as he left.

 

* * *

 

True to his word, Gabe released them at noon to whoops and shouts. It was the Cubs after all, and everyone wanted to see their final game of the spring training season. The night would also be full of late dinners and parties. Gabe apparently heard about that too and gave them another rare bonus day off.

 

Dean was pleased as they headed down the hill. “So, you’re taking me to the game, right?”

 

“Of course.” Cas sounded pleased as he answered. “You need to change though.”

 

“What, I don’t look fancy enough?” Dean laughed.

 

“Exactly.” Cas turned to Dean just as they were pulling up to the curb. “Mind if I come in and wait for you?”

 

“It’s your house.” Dean practically bounded out of the car. Cas followed. “You think it’s gonna get cold?” he asked as he went inside and directly to his room to change.

 

He could hear Cas’ reply from the living room. “Maybe a little by the evening, but it won’t be so bad.”

 

Dean made quick work of his changing. He came back out to find Cas sitting on the sofa. Dean noticed the way that he shifted in his seat. He gave him a little spin and asked, “Will this do?”

 

Cas just nodded. Dean moved closer and held out a hand to help him up, because apparently getting up from the sofa was a two man job. Cas took his hand and Dean pulled. Cas held on a moment longer than was strictly necessary. Dean let him. He didn’t push, didn’t lean in, despite what he was feeling. “We should be going.” Cas let him go then. Dean turned and walked out ahead of Cas, certain that he was watching.

 

“Will I meet your dad?” Dean asked once they were out on the sidewalk. He wasn’t sure if Cas wanted to walk there or not.

 

Cas looked from the jeep to the road leading to the park. “If he’s not too busy. Like I said before, he’s a jack of all trades.” Cas looked back to him. “You want to walk there. It’s really not far.”

 

“Walking sounds good.” They strolled together down the road. Dean wondered what Cas would do, what his dad would do if the Cubs stopped coming to the island. It was part of the reason that the island was so popular with the tourists.

 

“How much longer do you think you have before the film is completed?” It was an innocent question, one that he could just as easily ask Hannah. Dean saw it for what it was.

 

“Hannah believes that we are ahead of schedule, but I don’t see it that way.” Dean’s hands hung at his side, and each step allowed him the pleasure of feeling Cas’ own hand casually brush past his with each step. “Despite all the long days and weeks without breaks, Gabe is filming a rather ambitious movie. Even Crowley believed that I’d be here through the summer.”

 

Cas hummed at that. “Yes, I do remember him saying that.”

 

“You already counting the days, huh?”

 

“Something like that.” The silence descended upon them again, and the weight of all that wasn’t said, couldn’t be said.

 

The ballpark loomed up out of almost nowhere. One moment they were on a street with small beach houses, the next there was a large baseball diamond and some stands. Dean raised a hand to his forehead and took it all in. The crowds were already gathering. Everyone was funneling into the park beneath the sign that said, ‘Chicago Cubs Training Park.’

 

The distant trees swayed in a breeze that was gearing up to be more windy than breezy. Dean imagined that this was befitting for a team from the Windy City. Cas lead him to the stands and found them some seats near the front. The place filled up fast. “You want a hot dog?” Cas asked as he stood up from their newly acquired seats.

 

“Sure.” Dean pulled out a wad of cash and passed it to him.

 

Cas rolled up an eyebrow. “I don’t need this. I get all of the expenses covered already.”

 

Dean didn’t take back the money. “Get yourself food too.” Cas just shrugged and wandered off.

 

Dean took in the surroundings. The air smelled like the sea. There was a gull swooping overhead. The players were already on the field, stretching and loosening up for the last big show.

 

It felt like an ending a little. It also reminded him of the times his father had taken him to a game, the hot summer sun burning away at his back.

 

Cas came back just as the game was starting. He passed Dean a hot dog. They ate and watched and cheered. During the lulls between innings, they just stared ahead at the field, their hands settled on the bench.

 

Dean had learned a few things since the day at the beach. He'd thought about what Cas had said about being afraid. And though it had to be repeated multiple times, he also heard Cas when he said _it's not you; it's me._

 

His hand lay alongside Cas’ and was warm. He wanted to move, to let just the edges of his fingers graze along the edge of Cas’ hand. It felt like an invitation just sitting there between them.

 

Dean knew though that this was not what Cas wanted. It was one of the things he learned. Cas was afraid. Any action had to be on his terms. He had to want this. Dean knew he couldn't push, couldn't make any move.

 

Occasionally, he cast sidelong looks at Cas. Once he saw that Cas was looking down at their hands. The game played on. Cas removed his coat. He must have been roasting under the afternoon sun.

 

Cas wedged the coat between them on the bench seat. Dean tipped his head a little at the choice. He couldn't decide if it was Cas placing more between them as a safety move or not.

 

Dean slid his hand under the coat and let it rest on the bench as before. A glance at Cas told him that the move was noted. A moment later and Dean felt a brush of fingers over his hand. They were timid in their movement. Dean could actually feel the trembling.

 

For his part, Dean just stared straight ahead. He made no sudden moves. He didn't turn his hand over beneath the jacket. He just stayed absolutely still. The hand settled fully on top of his. The fingers curled under his palm. The thumb stroked back and forth over the side.

 

Dean wondered if this would be all they'd ever have, a small, stolen moment in the broad light of day. He so desperately wanted more. He so desperately wanted to hold onto this, to this place, to Cas, to all of it.

 

The game played on, and Dean didn't want it to end. But as Cas said before all good things do.


	9. Holding Onto Something

 

The crowds flowed out of the stands, but he and Cas lingered. When Cas took away his hand and put on his coat again, Dean felt the absence deep in his chest.

 

Cas pointed down at the field. “That's my dad. I'll introduce you.” Dean looked down at the field but couldn't tell just who Cas was pointing at.

 

They made their way to the field and hovered at the side. Mr. Wrigley was talking to a few people. At some point, a lone black man separated himself from the group and came to them. “Glad you got to make it, son.”

 

Cas stepped forward into a hug. He stepped back again and beckoned to Dean. “Dean, this is my dad, Joshua. Dad, this is Dean Winchester.”

 

“Good to meet you.” Joshua held out his hand. Dean shook it.

 

“I've heard a lot about you,” Joshua said.

 

“All horrible I'm sure.” Dean laughed.

 

“So horrible I'm gonna invite you home for dinner,” Joshua said as he clapped him on the back and walked off the field.

 

“That's our cue to follow,” Cas said.

 

“Oh,” Dean said. He and Cas sprinted a little to catch up.

 

They apparently lived close to the ballpark. Joshua opened the door to a small home with a closed in sunroom where a porch use to be. There was a rocking chair with a quilt draped over its arm.

 

The living room inside was full of a warm homey feel. The walls were covered in framed photographs. Dean immediately stepped up to them for a closer view.

 

Joshua came to his side. “Why don't you get dinner on the table, Cas. I'll entertain Mr. Winchester.” He gave Dean a smile full of warmth and welcome. Cas went off to what Dean assumed was the kitchen.

 

“This is Cas and Hannah's mom?” Dean gently tapped a picture of a woman in a long formal dress.

 

“Yes, ain't she a picture?” Joshua gazed at the image with love. “You can see the children in her looks, Hannah's smile, their dark hair. You can't tell from this old black and white picture, but they got their eyes from her too.”

 

Dean moved along the wall to another picture, Cas in a uniform. “From when he enlisted?”

 

“Yes, we were all so proud of him.” Joshua glanced over Dean's shoulder to the kitchen. “I wish now I'd discouraged him.”

 

Dean lowered his voice and asked, “Why?”

 

“I think it broke him a little bit. War always does that I suppose. He hasn't been happy like he was before.”

 

“That's too bad.”

 

“It is.” Joshua looked at him steadily and asked, “You enlist?”

 

“I did. Army man. I guess I should have a friendly rivalry with Cas seeing as he's Air Force.”

 

“Nah, the world has known enough of rivalry.” He moved to the couch and took a seat. Dean sat across from him. “You can ask. I can see you want to ask.”

 

“I don't want to offend you.”

 

“You won't. Ask your question.” He smiled at Dean in encouragement.

 

“Cas’ mom was white. I'm surprised that you aren't too.”

 

“It did limit our options.” He laughed again in a melody that belied the seriousness of the topic.

 

“You meet in South Carolina?”

 

“We did. We would not have lasted there. It was not a place that was safe for us.” He sucked in a deep breath. “I suppose I could have left her for good. It might have been the right thing to do. In time she might have met someone more suited to her.”

 

“But you didn't?” Dean's words were a kind of question.

 

“Well, I did for a short while. You love someone, and it's just not always enough. I left, didn't even tell her where I was going. She was determined though. I swear that woman would have tracked me into hell if it came to it.”

 

“How'd she find you?”

 

Joshua leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. “To this day I do not know. She showed up on my doorstep in Tennessee and said, ‘Joshua, the kids and I are moving to California, and I'd like it very much if you joined us.’ So I packed up my things and went with her.”

 

“Amazing.”

 

“She sure was. We didn't think that we could marry in the traditional sense, but we were married in the way that mattered. I reckon God would approve.”

 

Dean nodded and said, “I reckon you’d be right on that front.”

 

“It's nice to hear you say that, Dean. Most just wouldn't see things that way.” He got up then and moved back to the wall. He picked a photo off the wall and brought it over to Dean. “This is the last picture we all took together. We didn’t know she was sick. It just sort of came on her all of a sudden. I worried that I’d lose the kids once she passed. They were all I had left of her. I loved them like they were my own flesh and blood.”

 

“I’m glad you didn’t lose them,” Dean said. “Gotta admit though that I’m downright surprised that you didn’t.”

 

“You and me both. People here can surprise you. We all played the game. The one where we pretended that I was working for her and her kids. I’m was pretty sure that they knew even then, but we kept up the charade. When she passed though, they dropped all the pretense and came flocking to our door. They brought casseroles and kindness. They offered to help with the children not take them from me. They treated me like their father.”

 

Cas came back into the room then and sunk into the seat next to Joshua. “Because you were dad.” Joshua looked at him with affection.

 

“I wouldn’t have gotten through losing your mom if I’d have lost you and Hannah too.” He pulled Cas into a sideways hug.

“So no one ever had any issue with all this?” Dean waved his hand around in front of him.

 

“Not anyone that mattered, no,” Joshua said.

 

Cas leaned forward. “It’s different here. I forgot that when I enlisted. I thought that the world was like it was here. It’s not. I learned that quick enough.”

 

Joshua looked at him and said, “You never talk about it.”

 

“There’s no need. I’m home now. It’s fine.” Cas got up suddenly. “Dinner’s ready if you all are up for it.” Joshua reached out to him and took his hand. Cas seemed to see that he was going to try a different path toward their conversation. “No more serious talk. We’ll eat and you’ll both tell me that I’m destined to be a kitchen god.”

 

“Wow, Cas bit full of yourself there?” Dean got up and moved to the kitchen.

 

“I know my talents. Of course, I don’t want undeserved praise. I want the real deal.” They all laughed at him and followed their noses toward the scent of garlic, and onions, and fresh herbs. He’d put together a feast in the short time they’d been out in the living room.

 

“How’d you get all this done? We only talked for a bit,” Dean asked as he sat down.

 

“I maybe prepared a bunch after I dropped you off last night.” They exchanged a knowing look between them, and Cas continued, “I knew that dad would be down after the game, so I wanted to give him a distracting feast. Rather grateful that we have you here to help us finish it. It’s really too much for just two people.” Cas passed a bowl to Dean and said, “Dig in before it gets cold.”

 

* * *

 

The weeks passed, and Dean felt them with a measure of dread. He came to the island ready to leave and yet longing to escape. He was a mess of emotions, and yet he didn’t feel he’d gotten through them all. He felt he still had so much more to figure out. Summer was looming on the horizon. He could feel the heat of it burning into him as he worked each day out in it. Gabe would maybe finish ahead of schedule. Dean wanted to find ways to keep it from happening. He’d flub lines here and there, claiming exhaustion. It was believable. Gabe’s schedule for them had been intense.

 

In the end, all of his efforts afforded him three days off. Gabe said, he’d rather have him rest up than continue showing up frustratingly inept. Dean felt bad about it, but it was hard not to take a measure of pleasure from the gain.

 

Things with Cas had continued to make no progress or regression. It was pleasant. He drove Dean to work. He drove him home. He occasionally had him over for dinner with his father and sometimes Hannah too. They treated him like family. Dean knew, that despite everything, he’d miss that more than nearly anything, the easy camaraderie that they shared in Joshua’s home. True, going home would mean bonding again with his own family and friends. His own parents though, still lived in Kansas. His brother was in college, and last Dean heard was rather committed to a young woman. Their mother said that she was the one. Their father said, one down and one to go, as if Dean needed to step up his efforts.

 

It was easier in Avalon, easier with Cas’ family who never expected anything from him. The days were long and quiet. The nights soothed his thoughts now. He didn’t wake up to the sound of machine gun fire and warfare. He didn’t wake up from nightmares at all most of the time. Living here had brought him a measure of peace.

 

It was nearing the end of April though, and Gabe made it clear that by June they’d be done. Roger had even written Dean to see if June or July would work with his schedule. He’d almost forgotten that promise. He’d written back to confirm and tossed it into the wastebasket. He didn’t want to mislead him. He’d been considering a great change, but he didn’t know how to go about it. It wasn’t all about him after all. He knew he couldn’t hope too much, push too hard or even at all.

 

It was too hot in the house. Dean got up and decided to walk a bit in the night. He needed to clear his head, feel the vastness of the world around him. It might even be cooler out there. At least that’s what he hoped. The Casino was glowing a bit on the far end of the harbor. He decided to walk to it. It was still warm out. The days were growing hotter. He could almost imagine the influx of summer tourists filling the streets. He passed the pier and eventually a building with a sign reading: The Tuna Club. He passed the noisy bar at the end of the street. It was quieter out here.

 

A man was walking toward him on the same stretch of road. As he drew closer, Dean recognized the familiar gait. “Fancy meeting you out here,” Dean called out.

 

Cas looked up from his feet and came to a stop. “Couldn’t sleep.”

 

“Me either. I think it’s the heat.” There was a little bench pointed out to the shore. Dean walked over to it and sat.

 

Cas waited a moment then joined him. “It’s going to be a hot summer I reckon.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean rubbed his hands together in front of him.

 

“Guess you’ll be glad to miss it. Gabe will be done shooting before it gets too bad.” Cas didn’t look at him, just steadily looked out at the waves. Dean was watching him now though, watching for any tell that this was killing him a little too.

 

“I don’t want the shoot to end. I keep hoping that he might need me here through the winter, or that he’ll devise some way toward filming an immediate sequel,” Dean confessed.

 

Cas looked at him now. His eyes held a sadness in them. “Your character dies at the end. He could make a million sequels, and it won’t bring you back or even keep you.”

 

“I know.” Dean looked away. “It doesn’t change what I want.”

 

“Can I tell you something?” Dean looked back at him then and nodded. Cas continued, “I don’t want you to go either. I question everything I do and say. I have so many doubts. I know what I can have and what I can’t. I won’t be selfish.” Cas brought his hands up in a posture of prayer, resting his fingers against his lips. “I just know that you, you changed me. I’ll cherish this time.”

 

Dean swallowed back words. He feared changing things again, ruining a moment. He got up and reached back to Cas. He stood there a moment with his hand outstretched toward him. “Come home with me.” Cas just stared up at him. “Or don’t, your call.” He waited, and Cas didn’t move. “Okay then.” Dean nodded and walked back to the bungalow.

 

He knew he’d made a mistake. He knew that Cas wasn’t ready for anything. He knew that it was pointless. He would be leaving, and Cas would be staying. Their worlds were not the same. He closed the door behind him and fell to his knees in the living room. He felt the tears form and fall from his eyes. He hadn’t realized how much he’d been holding in. He felt the pressure of a sob escape from his lips. He bent forward and hugged the tops of his knees.

 

He didn’t hear the door open behind him. It wasn’t until the gentle press of a hand fell on his back that Dean looked up in surprise. “Dean, I,” Cas started and choked back a little sob of his own, “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry. I should have come to you before. I shouldn’t have been afraid.”

 

Dean scrambled up to his feet and stared at him. Their breath was warm between them. He waited though. He couldn’t reach for him. He couldn’t draw him in no matter how much he wanted to do so. Thankfully, Cas understood now. Thankfully he moved for them both. His hand came up to Dean’s cheek, and held him a moment. He leaned in close until his lips just barely touched Dean’s. It was slow and nearly still as far as kisses go. Dean swayed just a little into it. He moved his lips just slightly into the touch. Cas’ other hand moved up Dean’s arm, gentle and yet there.

 

Dean wondered if he was afraid. He didn’t want him to be afraid. Dean raised his own hand to touch him. He hovered over Cas’ hip and asked, “Is it okay if I touch you?” Cas nodded. “I need to hear you say it’s okay.”

 

“I want you to touch me.” Cas looked into his eyes when he said it. Dean settled his hand on Cas’ hip. He rocked toward him a little and lowered his forehead to rest against Cas’ own. They swayed together like they were listening to the same song. Dean could see a lone tear running from Cas’ eye. He brought up his hand to it and thumbed the tear away. “I don’t want you to go.”

 

“Maybe I don’t want to go either.” Dean’s words were barely out of his mouth before Cas was kissing him again, kissing away whatever promises he might make, even the ones he couldn’t keep. Dean opened up his mouth to him and pulled him closer. It was all that he’d hoped for. It was all that mattered. He thought he could die now, because he’d tasted this much of what it was to be well and truly wanted and maybe even loved.

 

They moved together into the bedroom, shedding jackets on the floor. Dean had his hands between them, fumbling at the buttons on Cas’ shirt. “I need you,” Dean breathed out. “I need you so much.” He couldn’t bring himself to say love. It might be too much to say if he was doomed to lose this. He could carry the word in his head, in his heart.

 

“You, you’re everything, Dean.” They parted a little and Cas pulled his shirt off now that it was unbuttoned. He gently ran his hands up Dean’s chest and began unbuttoning him too. His hands were shaking.

 

Dean reached up and took them. He kissed Cas’ fingertips. “Don’t be afraid.”

 

“I’m not.” Dean raised an eyebrow at that. “Okay, maybe I’m nervous. This is a bit new.”

 

“I’ve got you. Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” Dean kissed him again, slow and easy. He finished unbuttoning his own shirt. He set it aside. He pushed off his shoes and socks. He nodded toward Cas’ feet so he’d do the same. There were many ways for this to go. Dean wasn’t sure how best to proceed. He knew that he needed to see him, needed to feel him. He dragged his hand up Cas’ chest and pressed his palm to the center just over his heart. He felt the steady drum of it.

 

Dean guided him to the bed and gently moved him to the mattress. “I’m not going to break,” Cas tipped his head up to say the words.

 

“I know. I just don’t want to ruin this.” Dean came down to his knees in front of him.

 

Cas leaned forward and cupped his cheek in his hand. “I think that’s my line.” He smiled at him up close, and it was like everything finally meant something. Dean laid his head against Cas’ chest and listened to his heart beating. He turned a little and pressed a kiss there. He ran his lips down his chest. He undid the belt that stood in the way. He looked up to Cas as he slid the remaining clothes free. Cas had to lift up a little, so Dean knew he wasn’t going too fast.

 

Dean leaned away and looked at him. His body was toned and tan. He looked back at Dean like he was a little worried. Dean let his lips curl up into a small grin. “Nice.”

 

Cas laughed, “Really?” He reached for him and pulled him into a hasty kiss. “Really? Of all the things to say.”

 

“It seemed appropriate.” Dean smirked and moved back to his knees. He pressed kisses to Cas’ leg, dragging teeth and lips over the inside of his thigh. Cas let out a shaky moan and fell back onto the bed. “I guess you approve of my efforts.” Dean moved more through his journey. He ran his tongue over the length of him. He felt Cas shake from the attention. He took him then, his hands gripping tight to his legs. Cas’ hands came to his head, fingers dragging over his scalp like he needed to just hold Dean there for all he was worth.

 

Dean could forgive him for the enthusiasm. He understood it, felt it himself. He hoped this could last, that they could build on this night, that it wouldn’t have to be just once or twice. He wanted this, wanted it to always be his. He worked his tongue around him, and knew that Cas was nearing the end with some speed. He felt him sitting up, his legs tensing around Dean. “You should.” Dean thought, _No._ He kept him even past the orgasm that came then. He held him, and crawled over him, pressing his body to Cas’. He pressed kisses into his neck and shoulder. He clung to him like he might be the one to leave. He rocked his hips into him, feeling the warmth there like he’d come home. And Cas held him and moved with him until Dean was done too, and everything was just them and their breathing, and all that they had been waiting for since even before they had laid eyes on each other.


	10. The Words We Cannot Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update. I had a ton of work that fell on my lap this past week. I also read what I had written and was dissatisfied. I did some rewriting on the end. Now it's 15k longer than it was before. So, there will be a couple more chapters and a much needed POV shift soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading.

 

They found other places to be together, in the kitchen with the curtains drawn, on the sofa, in the hall. They found other words to use than love and need. They learned to say each other’s names like prayers that it would last. They had two days in the bungalow that were uninterrupted by the world. Dean would hold him in the morning as the pink rays of the sun pierced past the curtains. On the last night before the film and the world would draw them back out into the open air, Cas drew a bath in the small bathroom and beckoned Dean in.

 

“You think I’m getting too ripe?” Dean joked.

 

“Just wanted to be with you in here. We made all the other rooms ours.” Cas leaned back into the tub and Dean eased in between his legs. This was not going to work, but Dean was willing to try.

 

“Well, by that standard, we haven’t made the porch ours yet. What do you say, Cas?” He tipped his head back a little to look at him.”

 

“I don’t think that the neighbors would approve.” Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s chest. The water was warm and soothing. “This is not going to lead to sex.”

 

“Oh, it’s leading to sex, just not in here.” They laughed and Cas pressed a kiss to his head. They stayed there and closed their eyes against the passage of time. Dean wiggled his hips every now and then just to torment Cas, who really couldn’t do a thing pinned beneath him as he was. It was the soft sort of domestic moment that they each wanted to hold onto for as long as they could.

 

—-

 

They didn’t talk much of what couldn’t be or what they wanted beyond the very tangible physical desires that each felt in the bungalow. The night before work would resume though, Dean woke up out of a dream that left him unsettled. He was shooting away from Cas down a dark corridor. Cas looked like he was suffering, dying even.

 

When Dean opened his eyes though to the dark bedroom, Cas was there, head pressed to Dean’s chest. Dean’s little start must have woken him up too. He opened his eyes and asked, “You okay?”

 

Dean mumbled, “Yeah,” and reached up to run a hand through Cas’ hair. “Just a bad dream is all.”

 

Cas moved and angled himself up closer. He leaned in and kissed Dean, then he returned to his place of rest against Dean’s chest. He let his fingers drag up and down Dean’s arm as he just stared at him.

 

“You gonna watch me sleep?” Dean smiled.

 

“Maybe. You’re peaceful,” Cas said.

 

“Yeah, except for when the nightmares come.” Dean’s smile fell a little.

 

Cas’ expression changed a little. “I understand.” And Dean knew that he did. No man that has ever gone to war, seen the carnage of the battlefield, can say that they haven’t been woken up by vivid scenes of the past.

 

“It was worse for you though, wasn’t it?” Dean didn’t want to upset him, but he’d often wondered about it all.

 

“Maybe not worse, just different. You army boys don’t know what it is to fall from the heavens.” Cas’ lips turned up a little at the slight dig.

 

“We know a different kind of horror. You’d never get me in one of those tin cans. If God wanted us to fly, he’d have given us wings right there on our backs.” Dean pressed his palm to Cas’ back.

 

“I’m sure you don’t have a firm grasp on theology or the will of God, Dean Winchester.” They both laughed at that.

 

Dean thought about what he’d said though and asked, “Were you shot down?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And?” It was like they’d shot back to their first days together where Dean had to pick at Cas for anything more than a few words. “Talk to me Cas.”

 

Cas moved a bit until he had his face pressed into the space between Dean’s shoulder and neck. His words were muffled there a little. “I don’t like talking about it.”

 

“Why?”

 

“It hurts to think about. It feels too close to this.” Cas tightened his arms around Dean’s sides a little. “I know I’ll lose this, but I don’t like to think of how much I could lose now.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

 

Cas leaned back and looked at him. “I was shot down toward the end of the island hopping campaign. My co-pilot, Alphie was a little injured, but we survived. Our parachutes worked thankfully, and we didn’t end up tangled up in the cords. We were lucky, but like I said, Alphie was a little injured.”

 

Dean asked, “What happened to him?”

 

“He had a sprained ankle. Couldn’t walk well. I had to hold him up a bit as we tried to snake our way to the other side of the island. There would be Americans there, and we could get help. We’d been working as a team since almost the beginning. You get to really know a guy when you work like that.”

 

“You became friends then?” Dean just wanted to engage and help Cas keep going.

 

“Yes, and for Alphie it was something more. I let it happen though. I didn’t stop him from developing feelings for me. I’d never had something like that. I didn’t know what it all meant. I was still thinking that maybe I’d meet a nice girl one day, settle down or something.”

 

“Yeah, I get that.” Dean hugged him back.

 

“When he kissed me, I was shocked at first. I didn’t stop him though. We were alone at least. We’d crashed and tried to get to the other end of the island. We had to set up a makeshift camp. We slept close to each other. He was freezing. I wrapped myself around him to stave off the chill. I worried that with his injuries, that this would do him in. He took it as something else.”

 

Dean asked, “Was it something else?”

 

“It became something else. At the time, I didn’t think about it. I just needed to keep him alive. I’d seen enough death.” Cas dipped his head back into Dean’s shoulder. “I kissed him back. We were found like that. He was on top of me, kissing me. The men that found us reported us. We were both discharged after that.” Cas leaned back again and said, “Undesirable Discharge.”

 

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean let his hand run up and down Cas’ back.

 

“I’m fine.” Cas pressed a kiss into Dean’s chest. “Alphie  didn’t know how to live with the shame.”

 

“You mean?” Dean couldn’t finish the question, but it was there nonetheless.

 

“His mom wrote to me. Told me about finding him with the bullet in his head. I didn’t know what to tell her. She didn’t accuse me of anything, likely didn’t know. She knew I was his friend though. I decided then though, that I didn’t need to be so selfish again.” A tiny shake seemed to rattle Cas’ body. Dean pulled the blanket up higher over them both. “And yet, here I am.”

 

“This isn’t like that. And you didn’t know then either. You can’t carry that.”

 

“I do though, and this isn’t so different.” He looked at Dean up close. “It’s the same in all ways except one.”

 

“I’m not Alphie.”

 

“True.” Cas stared at him as he said it, and Dean could see that there was more, something in the way that Cas’ eyes held him.

 

“And?”

 

“I didn’t love him.” Cas pushed his face back into Dean’s neck again like he couldn’t look at him.

 

Dean pressed a kiss into his hair. “Then maybe other things will be different for us too.” He held him and let him fall back into sleep.

 

—-

 

And work reclaimed Dean in the morning. But at night, Cas reclaimed him right back. Life passed in a frustrating rush. It is strange how just when you want to slow things down, the world endeavors to speed it all up. Dean held onto the moments. He tried not to kiss Cas with desperation, but he felt it. The film would end, and he’d leave, because it was what he had to do. His parents needed to have the life he’d been giving them. Who knew how much longer John Winchester would have lasted if he had kept toiling away like he had been. And Mary, always throwing herself so fully into every task. She deserved a quiet life more than any of them. Then there was Sam. He wanted him to have the best start in life, and college was getting him there.

 

He wasn’t so well off that he could just throw it all away. He could live well enough on his own, but not while supporting the rest of them. They would tell him that it was all okay, that he could quit and find happiness on the island. They wouldn’t get to know about Cas, but they would understand the need to live free of the industry that had been his bread and butter. He wanted more for them though.

 

It was morning. He found it hardest to accept things then with Cas’ mess of hair framing his head. He’d fall asleep most nights with Cas resting on his chest. Dean would curl his fingers in his hair and hold on to him. He wondered sometimes what Joshua thought. He wondered if he ever questioned Cas as to his whereabouts. If he did, Cas didn’t say a word. He just lived there and they held onto that.

 

And May came. And Dean Winchester acted out the death that he had been dreading. His character dying was not the end of his work. There were other scenes to reshoot, but they were easy. They could start counting down the days on a calendar now. Twenty days, Nineteen, Eighteen, Seventeen. They only left the house when they had to now. Everything started feeling like it was the last time. The last time they’d eat breakfast in bed. The last time they’d dance in the living room to some old record that Cas had. The last time they’d just sit and hold each other, memorizing the contours of each other’s faces.

 

His ticket on the steamer arrived in the mail. Crowley sent along a letter saying that he’d meet him at the dock. They had a final day now, a true last. They didn’t talk about it. Dean just held him and kissed him in the quiet.

 

* * *

 

“I won’t go with you to the ship.” Cas stood at the window, looking out at the street.

 

“Why?” Dean came to his side. “Done with me already?” He tried to make it light, laughing a little even. Cas didn’t join him, so he let the laugh die. Dean put an arm slowly around Cas’ waist.

 

“I won’t be able to watch you go. There will be too many people, and I…” Cas turned to him now. “I can’t watch you go.”

 

“Maybe I can stay. I don’t have to go just because Crowley gave me the ticket.”

 

“No, you have responsibilities. I’m just not,” Cas cupped Dean’s cheek in his hand. “You explained. I understand. Your family needs you. You’ll come back to visit when you can. I’ll be fine.”

 

“That’s not okay. Don’t say you’ll be fine. That’s what we say when we aren’t.” Dean leaned in and kissed him. “It’s okay to be honest. It’s okay to ask me to stay.”

 

“I want you to stay.” Cas kissed him back. In those seconds, Dean began planning the conversations he’d have to have with everyone that was expecting his return. He wanted Cas’ permission to toss all of the plans, all of the duties to family and his job. “You have to go.”

 

“I’ll stay.” Dean glanced back at the bedroom where his bags were packed. He wanted to drag this out indefinitely. He knew he couldn’t, not yet at least.

 

Cas looked at him and said, “You’ll come back.” It was almost a question. Dean nodded his response. “I hate this.”

 

“Me too.” Cas’ whole body slumped a bit as Dean spoke.

 

Dean put his hands on Cas’ shoulders. Cas looked up at him again and said, “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” Then a moment later. “Right?”

 

“You could come with me. I need a good assistant, one who understands me.” Dean sounded a little hopeful.

 

“You and I both know that wouldn’t work.” Cas slipped out of his grasp. “You should get your stuff. Hannah’s going to be here any minute.”

 

“You have her driving me?” Dean could feel his face scrunching up a bit, showing the emotions that he was trying so desperately to keep in check.

 

“Once I decided not to go, I asked her to pick you up. She understands.”

 

“Well, she doesn’t understand, but she loves you, so we have that at least.” Dean stood facing him, immobile, waiting for something to change the moment, something to set things back to right. “Should I call or write?”

 

“I don’t know. Write maybe. I think it’ll break me to hear your voice and not see you.”

 

“I’ll write as soon as I get home.” Hannah pulled up at the curb and honked.

 

Cas looked panicked a moment. “When will you come back?”

 

“The day I finish Roger’s film. I’ll even get on a plane if I have to.” Dean rushed forward and kissed him. He pulled him tight to his chest and thought he might never go. Cas’ fingers dug into this back. It ended too soon. He couldn’t believe he was leaving. He’d come back though. It was just a month or two. He could do this.

 

Dean released him as Hannah honked again. He went to the bedroom and grabbed his bags. He dropped one at the door and Cas took his hand, squeezing it just a little. He didn’t say a word. Somehow, in the midst of it all, Dean thought that it began feeling like a deeper goodbye, like the kind that you offer when you know you’ll never return. He had intentions. It was Cas that was putting the shadow on it all.

 

“I will come back.” Dean let his hand go and picked up the bag. Cas opened the door and stood there. Dean gave Hannah a wave of acknowledgement. “Believe me, Cas. I will come back to you.”

 

“Safe travels.” Cas raised a hand and gave him a small wave. Dean moved down to the waiting car. Hannah waved past him at Cas. They pulled away from the curb. Dean watched Cas grow smaller in the rearview mirror as they went. He began counting down the days even then.

 

* * *

 

Hannah gave him space. She placed a hand on his back and moved off to find a seat. Her smile was kind. He moved to the rail to look back at Avalon with its beach and shops. He looked to the ballpark and the end of the street that had stretched up to his home for so many months. He intended to watch the street until he couldn’t see it anymore, until it was all grey waves eating each other up.

 

There were many people milling about, steamer trunks that were being loaded onto the ship too. They were nearly ready to depart. The time passed, and the wind gusted fiercely over the ship. People stood all along the rails waving at friends that were staying behind and at strangers, because that’s just what one does when traveling by ship.

 

The ties were undone, and they were ready to set off for the mainland. That was when Dean saw him. Cas was running through the crowd, breaking through groups until he was on the pier. Dean leaned forward, not sure whether he should rush down to the loading area or stay where he could see him. Cas got to the edge and began scanning the decks. Dean waved frantically over the side.

 

Cas saw him. He stared. Dean stared back. He wanted to call something down to him. His hand curled into a fist. He pressed it to his chest. Cas could see him. Cas moved his own fist to his heart. The ship moved. They were easing out into the harbor. Dean mouthed the words, “I love you.” He hoped Cas could tell what he was saying.

 

Cas stayed and watched him as the ship moved farther and farther out of the harbor. It didn’t have to be an ending. Dean vowed then that it wouldn’t be an ending.

 

* * *

 

Crowley greeted him as he disembarked. Hannah said goodbye and headed off for home. Somehow, Crowley seemed to know that Dean was in a foul mood. He gave him small pieces of information about upcoming auditions. He clarified how long he would get to film with Roger. Dean wanted to tell him that he was thinking of quitting. He knew he couldn’t just yet though.

 

The drive home was mostly just a stream of Crowley talking. Dean listened or pretended to do so. By the end, he was ready for sleep or a strong drink. Either would do.

 

Luckily, Crowley didn't bother following him back into the house. Instead, he told Dean that he'd just come by in the morning. Dean was glad. It would give him the quiet that he'd need to write to Cas like he promised.

 

As he was about to leave, Crowley said, “Oh, and Dean.” Dean dipped back down to the window to listen. “I appreciate your other efforts while you were on the island.”

 

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Dean waited.

 

“I didn't expect you to pick such a suitable woman, but Hannah Novak is quite the hit.” Dean shifted uncomfortably. “The gossip rags have been having a field day with reports of you two spending a lot of time together. They said you've been getting to know her family too and that she might be the one.”

 

“Guess they don't know about her black father.” Dean ran a hand back up into his hair. It needed cutting, and now that the film was done he could do it.

 

“They don't call him her dad. They don't know what to make of him. No blood connection though, so the public can overlook some things. They like her, Dean. Take the win.”

 

“It's not like that with her.”

 

“It is like that.” Crowley's tone suddenly changed. “You need to make sure it's like that, otherwise you won't have any good reason for all the time you spent in her home and with her family.” It went unsaid that family meant Cas.

 

“She's a good woman. I care a great deal for her and her family. Don't push.” Dean leveled his gaze on Crowley then.

 

Crowley raised a hand in defence and said, “No pushing, just appreciation for the effort.” He tapped the glass separating his space in the car from the driver. “I'll be going. See you tomorrow.”

 

Dean gave him a nod and left.

 

* * *

 

_Cas,_

 

_First I must apologise. You should have heard from me yesterday. Crowley is to blame. I wrote to you just as soon as I got in my house. Interestingly enough, my home didn't feel like home anymore. It's all too big and empty. I miss the small spaces of the bungalow and how it never felt empty._

 

_Regardless, I had the letter on the end table, ready to go out with the morning post. Crowley came by to talk schedules. He thumbed through my mail while he waited for me to come downstairs. He saw that I'd written to you._

 

_It shouldn't have been a big deal. He made it a big deal though. He asked why I was writing to you so soon after departing. He asked why there was no letter to Hannah. I told him I wanted to thank you for all of your work. Somehow he knew that it was more. It shouldn't matter that I wanted to write immediately. Why does it have to matter?_

 

_He tore the letter and tossed it into the fireplace. Funny thing, I've never used the fireplace. It's southern California. It never really gets that cold here. So now I've got this confetti letter to clean up, and Crowley breathing down my neck about everything._

 

_So I guess I have to be more careful or something. That's what he says anyway. I don't think he'd approve of this letter. He's wrong about a lot of things, but he is right about the need for caution. I'm going to try after this letter to be more veiled in what I say and how I say it._

 

_You're smart though. You'll know. The gossip rags picked up on how much time I've been spending with your family. They love Hannah. They think she's the one for me, love of my life or something along those lines. Hope she doesn't mind the attention._

 

_Did you catch what I was trying to say to you at the pier as the ship departed? I'm hoping so, because I can't repeat it here. Crowley made some comment the other day about family that is blood being the only thing that really matters. He's wrong. You're my family, Cas._

 

_That might have been too much to share, but I don't care. I miss the island. I need to get back there, back home. I miss the warmth of it. I'll lay in the sun this afternoon and imagine I'm back there._

 

_I'll write again soon. Be well, buddy._

 

_Dean_

 

* * *

 

_Dean,_

 

_I wrote to you the moment you left. I vowed to keep from sending it until I heard from you first. Once I did, I tossed the old letter and wrote a new one instead. The other was not as careful. Yours was not careful enough either. Be more careful. I'll figure it out._

 

_I'm glad to hear that you and Hannah have hit it off so well. She is a wonderful woman full of virtue and kindness. Courting her would be a lengthy process. I'm not sure if you are her type though. Only time can tell._

 

_I hope too that Hannah won't mind the attention. It could be good for her to be out at parties. It might aid in her aspirations. Also, you are a catch. She is lucky to be able to go out on your arm. I saw the photograph in Variety when I went to the barber shop the other day. You make a stunning couple. Everyone commented on it._

 

_I can only hope to have something like that one day. I'm happy that things are working out so well for you both, but I'm a jealous man in some respects. Hopefully you'll forgive that trait in me as we are family in a way._

 

_The bungalow feels different from when I lived in it before. I spend a fair amount of nights at my dad's place just to not be alone. I guess I got used to the company. Staying with him while you lived here must have changed my need to be alone. I don't like being solitary anymore._

 

_I look forward to you coming back to the island to visit. Dad asked about you the other night. It has only been two weeks, and I already want to plan your return, have a countdown even._

 

_I may already be plotting. We'll go drinking, and find some suitable dance partners. Well maybe not you, since you're seeing Hannah. Still, it would be fun to dance the night away. Like before._

 

_I have to finish this, or I won't get it into the mail on time. You said that you miss the island. I get that. I'd miss the island very much if I left too. The stunning green of its hills, the golden sandy beaches, the way the sun here makes you feel safe and warm. I'd miss that too, a great deal. It would kill me little by little each day to live without it._

 

_Write to me again as soon as you're able. I'll stalk the post office each day for news of your doings._

 

_I understood what you said at the pier. To be subtle I'll just say instead, be well too, buddy._

 

_Cas_

 

* * *

 

_Cas,_

 

_I’m sorry about the pictures. I should have found a way to warn you. No big brother ever wants to see his little sister cavorting around with a notorious bachelor. As far as your jealousy is concerned, I’m sure the right one is out there somewhere waiting for you. In fact, I bet the right one is somewhere even now pining away for you._

 

_I’m taking the train to Kansas at the end of the week. I’ll be staying with my parents. I’ve enclosed the address with this letter, but you should wait until I write first. I actually considered renting a small place for my time there, but mom would be offended. Plus, Sam and his fiance are coming out to visit too. Yeah, apparently he up and got engaged. He’s planning to marry her in the fall. It’s a short engagement. I can honestly say that I am not looking forward to all of the comments that will be coming my way, When will we meet your girl, Dean? When will you finally settle down? What ever happened with that Lisa? We really liked her._

 

_I am happy for Sam though, even if things will be very uncomfortable. Maybe I can just skip it, go back to the island. I know I keep saying it. Don’t be surprised if I end up on your doorstep all of a sudden._

 

_Crowley said that he sent your final payment for services rendered, or something like that. I asked if it would be enough for you to get your restaurant going. He said perhaps. I look forward to hearing whether or not you and Garth have gotten it started._

 

_I auditioned for a movie a couple of days ago. They want me to come back for another round. Guess where they’re filming? One guess, Cas. Yeah, Catalina. I’m not sure if you’re the praying kind, but maybe send up a prayer that they want me for this one. Was just thinking the other day that maybe all I need to do is just film everything on the island. I’m going to look into some more opportunities._

 

_I  think I might have another option that could be simpler too. I’ll let you know more later. I just can’t imagine that some better way isn’t possible. I just need some place that is maybe not perfect, maybe not heaven, but there on the island I think I found something better than this patch of earth I’ve been calling home for most of my life. And when I really think about what I really want, all I can see now is what I had for just a few short months there. I ain’t giving up on there being a way to have what I need. I’m going to find a way._

 

_Be well, buddy._

 

_Dean._

* * *

 

_Cas,_

 

_I’m in Kansas. I’m all wholed up in my childhood room, trying not to feel like I’ve reverted back to my awkward teenage years. Dad tried to strike up a conversation about Hannah. He said he’d read about us in one of mom’s mags. I brushed it off. I just can’t see carrying on here._

 

_Turns out Jess and Sam are perfect for each other. It’s hard not to feel the comparison though and know that I’m coming up short. I fear I’m a disappointment to them. Actually, I know I am. It rained today. It was a weird, random storm. I mean, it’s nearly August. It shouldn’t be raining. Dad’s worried about the crops. He said it should be fine though. Oh, I didn’t tell you that they decided that they were farmers now that I’ve been sending them retirement money._

 

_Seriously, who retires just to keep working? Apparently my mom and dad. They’ve planted something like 22 acres behind the house. I don’t even know what they’re growing. I’m impressed, don’t misunderstand me, but seriously, I thought they’d finally get a break._

 

_I’m tired just watching them._

 

_By comparison, working with Roger has been easy. I think we’ll have it all wrapped by the middle of October. Crowley called me and said, I need to be back for a weekend soon to show off my skills again for the Catalina movie. It’s still not a guarantee, but God I just keep hoping._

 

_I need to wrap this up. Write soon. It’s been too long._

 

_Be well, buddy._

 

_Dean_

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up early to a bright splash of sunshine across his face. His giant of a brother was holding back the curtain to the room just enough to get the light right on his eyes. “Sleeping Sam,” Dean groaned and tried to squeeze his eyes tight against the light.

 

“Get up and go running with me,” Sam said, jabbing at Dean’s shoulder as he did so. “It’s not that early.”

 

“Sleeping.” Dean tried rolling over. He'd been home nearly a week, and somehow Sam had reverted to his own, usual annoying younger brother role. Dean secretly loved it though.

 

“It’s the only time we ever have to talk, just us.” Dean opened his eyes to that and noticed then that Sam was opening the curtain more fully now. The light filled the room, and Dean groaned again, feeling his resolve melting.

 

“We don’t talk when we run. You talk, and I try to keep from dying.”

 

“Exaggeration. You have more speed than I do, and you’re barely winded after a hard run. I have more stamina for the long haul, yes, but you do just fine.”

 

“Whatever you say,” Dean grumbled, but he was awake so it was all just about complaining at this point. He noticed Sam poking at the papers on his nightstand. Roger’s script was there, and he also had some other loose papers scattered about.

 

“You writing another letter to that Cas fellow?” Sam asked as he moved some of the papers around a little.

 

Dean remembered now that he had been doing just that the night before and that Sam was likely reading it. Dean sat up and snatched at the papers. “Don’t be a snoop. I get enough of that from the press.”

 

“Wasn’t snooping, just asking a question.” Sam was watching him now as he carefully stacked the pages and put them into his nightstand drawer. “So, you writing to Cas again?”

 

“None of your business.”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Dean got up and snatched a t-shirt from the floor. He busied himself at the drawers looking for socks and anything that could justify ignoring the question. Finally he set his hands palms flat on the dresser and said, “Nothing, Sam. Stop worrying. I can feel you worrying a mile away.”

 

“You know you can talk about it with me, right?” _Shit._ Sam came to his side and tried to lean forward enough to make eye contact, but Dean didn’t give him that.

 

“Ain’t nothing to talk about, Sam.”

 

“We all read the same papers, the same magazines. We notice when your name comes up. We laugh at the stupid stories and how they paint you. They don’t know you like we know you.”

 

“Who’s this _we_ you’re talking about?” Dean looked at him now.

 

“Mom and Dad.” Sam answered like he was asking a question.

 

“You call each other over the stupid articles they all write about me?”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

“Sometimes, meaning recently?” Dean asked. It would explain the awkward conversation his dad was trying to have with him the other day. He’d always just assumed that they didn’t read any of that stuff. Kansas was a bit insulated. Of course Sam was the sharing kind though and had to just open his big old flapper.

 

“We worried about you when they started saying you…” Sam seemed like he might not finish the sentence, but he persisted, “you might have certain proclivities. It’s not safe for people these days to think along those lines, especially with what’s happening in Hollywood and Washington.”

 

“We won’t get any running done if you keep on standing around talking.” He clapped Sam on the back, hoping that he’d managed to listen enough to end the whole discussion.

 

Sam let out a frustrated little huff of a noise. “Fine.” They walked out together and down the dark stairs. The house was quiet. Sam walked ahead and opened the door to the bright world outside. They started their run. It was slow and steady. It was early enough that there weren’t many out, but when they ran down Main, Mr. Greyson gave them a wave.

 

“Hey there Sam, Dean.”

 

They each waved back but kept on running. They got to the far end of town and looped back on another road. It would swoop around the back end of the Winchester land, eventually bringing them home. There was a bus stop at the corner though and Sam decided to sit for a bit. Dean didn’t take the bait. He jogged in place in front of him for a minute. “Come on. What you waitin’ for?”

 

“I just need a little break,” Sam sounded winded, but Dean knew an act when he saw one.

 

“Goddamn liar.”

 

Sam pantomimed innocence. “I don’t exercise as much as you.”

 

“Liar,” Dean said again. “Look, you wanna talk, fine. At least stop with the pretending.” Dean tossed himself into the spot next to Sam on the bench and waited.

 

“Okay.” Sam suddenly stopped overdoing the breathing thing he was doing. “I never did have the acting bug.”

 

“You must make a piss poor lawyer then.” Dean laughed.

 

“I don’t usually have to act in the courtroom. I just have to believe in my client. Oftentimes they're innocent, so no acting is required. That’s easier.” He smoothed his hands down his pants. “Talk to me.”

 

“What do you want to know?” Dean actually looked at him when he asked. He and Sam had always been close. Dean wondered if that could change. He wondered how Sam would feel if he knew that everything the press had hinted at was in fact true.

 

“Are you seeing Hannah Novak?” Sam stared steadily at him.

 

“No.” Dean figured he’d keep his answers simple.

 

“Why are you pretending to see her then?”

 

Dean considered evading. He looked away then. “It just seemed like that was what everyone wanted. It’s a win-win. She gets exposure, and I get the press and half the world off my back. She’s a good woman, and we’ve become friends.”

 

“Are you seeing anyone?”

 

Dean looked back at him. “I just told you I’m not seeing Hannah.”

 

“But are you seeing someone else, someone that’s not Hannah?” Dean looked away from him again and didn’t answer. “Are you seeing someone that you can’t take to social functions?”

 

Dean looked back at him. _He knows._ “You don’t want to know the answer to that. It’s best you don’t ask questions like that.”

 

“Maybe I don’t care. Every consider that?” Sam set his hand gently on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m your brother. You mean everything to me. When mom and dad were working all of those crazy hours, who was there keeping me out of trouble?” He gave Dean’s shoulder a little squeeze. “One guess.”

 

“Look, I get that you love me. Mom and dad love me too. It’s easy enough as long as you don’t know too much. If you start asking questions though, and I answer them, it’ll change things. You’ll change. You won’t think of me the same. I’ll just be that.”

 

“You really think so little of me, Dean?” Dean looked at him, really looked at him then, and something in his eyes told Dean that Sam meant it.

 

“You know I trust you.” Dean reached over and gave his knee a little squeeze. He got up and took two steps away. He ran his hands back up through his hair. “I’m thinking of quitting acting.”

 

“To do what?”

 

“I’ve got this audition, but my heart isn’t in it. I mean, I want to get the part, don’t get me wrong, but that’s just to get back to the island.”

 

“So, what would you do if you stopped acting?”

 

“Haven't decided yet. Maybe I'll start a little ranch or something.”

 

Sam got up and moved to his side. Together they stared off into the fields. “On Catalina?”

 

Dean glanced at him and said, “That’d be the idea.”

 

“A large enough ranch would require a few extra hands to help out. Wouldn't be a one man gig.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Dean rocked back on his heels a little and said, “Was thinking maybe Cas would want the work.”

 

“Hannah’s brother, Cas?” Sam asked it like he actually needed to confirm that it was this specific Cas and not some other random Cas in Dean’s life. Dean laughed at that, but he understood that Sam was really just keeping the talking going.

 

“Yeah, that Cas. He was having a hard time finding real work before Crowley hired him to work with me. He really wants to start a restaurant, but I was thinking a ranch could work well with something like that. I could raise some animals or maybe just get some horses for the tourists to use. I even thought that maybe the guys that keep coming out to shoot movies might pay to have me take care of supplying animals like horses and stuff for their films.”

 

Sam was watching him the whole time that he was talking. He fell silent and a little breeze sent some leaves skittering through the moment. “So Cas would open a restaurant, and you’d supply the steaks and chickens or something like that?”

 

“I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I can bring cattle out there for that. They do have bison out there, so maybe I can herd some of them into the ranch. Bet they taste like steak.” Dean smiled at the thought.

 

“Seems like you’ve put a little thought into it.”

 

“A bit. Not sure how much of it is just crazy though.”

 

Sam stretched his arms over his head. “What’s Cas think of all of this? He okay with the arrangement?”

 

“There isn’t an arrangement. I don’t even have a place picked out. It’s all just pie in the sky thinking.”

 

“So you haven’t told him anything yet is what you’re saying?” Sam elbowed him a little.

 

Dean elbowed him back. “Can’t be asking him to move out to my hypothetical ranch to raise non-existent animals until I get some things figured out.”

 

“Think he’ll want to raise non-existent animals on your hypothetical ranch?” Sam turned back to the field again.

 

“Yeah, I think he does.” Dean glanced at him and added, “I think he’d be fine with just about any plan I’d float so long as I was a part of it.”

 

Sam seemed to think about that for a bit, and the silence filled the moment. “Must have been hard leaving,” Sam offered up.

 

“Yeah.” Dean didn’t add anything to that. They fell silent again, and the moment stretched out like so much blue sky.

 

“I’d like to meet him one day.”

 

Dean threw an arm over Sam’s shoulders. “You will then.”  Dean let him go and started to move down the road back to the house. “Thanks Sam.”

  
Sam just smiled at him, then started running again. Dean laughed and darted after him, realizing a moment too late that this was suddenly a race, and he wasn’t going to beat him. He was kind of okay with that just this once.


	11. The Words We Can Say

 

Dean was on the phone with Crowley well before most sane people were awake. Somehow Crowley had gotten Dean a third call back. Well, Dean likely had something to do with that. He was good at the charming act that one had to put on, and this film seemed to require that type. They kept talking about how they wanted someone in this role that really wanted it. He’d quickly auditioned before heading out to Kansas, then they chatted him up over the phone, and now they wanted to have a third go.

 

Crowley seemed pleased. Deep down he thought that Crowley was actually hoping for Dean to have the best of both worlds. True, he was rude and quick to anger, but Dean saw something underneath that. There was a bit of kinship between them on a couple of fronts that made it possible to forgive him for some of his surly ways.

 

Crowley told him before hanging up that it would have to be a quick trip, just fly in, do the call back, fly out the next day. He didn't want Dean taking so long filming Roger's movie that he wasn't ready for the next thing. “Sooner you get back to Kansas for your charity work, the sooner I can get you back to the real jobs.”

 

Dean didn't fight him on that or even let the words get to him. He'd thought a few times that Roger's film could be his last. He just wasn't quite sure yet if he was ready to start burning bridges and shutting doors. For now, he'd play his part, go to auditions and be the good little actor Crowley wanted him to be.

 

He hung up and tipped his head back against the wall. “You okay son?”

 

Dean's head jerked toward the voice, “Yeah, dad. Just dealing with Crowley stuff. Gotta fly back to L.A. for an audition.”

 

John came over to his side and took up residence along the wall next to the phone. He seemed serious all of a sudden, and it put Dean a little on edge. “When will we see you again?”

 

“Literally the next day. I fly out at the end of the week, but Crowley wants me to wrap up things with Roger as fast as possible.”

 

“Oh, I thought this was you leaving for longer, like last time.” John still looked like he was worrying over something. His brows scrunched up a little.

 

“You okay, dad?”

 

“Yeah.” The answer was to quick.

 

“You sure?”

 

John scratched at his scalp, mussing up his hair a bit. “Seems like things are getting difficult in California.”

 

“Difficult?” Dean didn't know what he was referring to at all.

 

“Yeah, with the Communists and all.”

 

“Uh, that hasn't been something that I've worried about.” Dean actually had worried about it a fair amount, but not because he had any ties of that sort.

 

“Your mom and I, we worry about you.” And he did look on Dean with concern.

 

Dean laughed, hoping that it would put his mind at ease. “Seriously, dad, that should be the least of your worries. I’m as American as apple pie and baseball.”

 

“Well, they keep saying in the papers that people are getting blacklisted out there left and right. That happens to you and you won’t be able to get work anymore.”

 

“You worried about me not being able to send home a few bucks every now and then?” Dean tried to throw it out with a light tone, but his dad looked even more concerned.

 

“Your mom and I don’t use that money. We keep stashing it in a savings account for when you’ll need it. We’ve always done just fine without the handout.”

 

“Well, I did help a little.” Dean waved a hand out toward the back of the house to signify the vast fields that they had planted there.

 

“You sure did, and now we do just fine. So, if anything were to ever happen to your job, just know that your mom and I have your back.” John reached out then and set a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

 

“Dad, really, you think I’m a communist?”

 

“I think that’s what they might call you even if it isn’t the right term. They’ve already done that a little.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Dean felt his hands growing slick with sweat.

 

“We’ve read the articles. We know what’s been said.” John pushed off the wall then and leveled his gaze on Dean. “I don’t need to know the whole story. Your mom doesn’t either. And I’ll be right angry if some bastard thinks he can call you a communist after you’ve served your country. They might though. That’s how it is now. People come up with new labels for things that they didn’t much pay attention to before.” John swallowed and then continued, “Your uncle Bobby and I fought alongside a fella that didn’t much fancy the nurses. He was a good guy though, braver than most guys I knew in the field. When you’re in the trenches, that sort of thing doesn’t need to matter. If he’d lived, they’d be calling him a commie too.”

 

“Why’re you telling me this?” Dean’s voice ratcheted up an octave. He swallowed back a little fear.

 

“You’re my son, Dean. I want the world to do right by you, but I worry that it won’t. And just know that if they say you’re a commie, and make you have to give up all that California life, that you have a home here. Ain’t no shame in coming home to the people that love you.” John stepped back then.

 

Dean didn’t have words. He just nodded, and that seemed to be enough. John clapped him on the shoulder as he passed and went back upstairs.

* * *

 

_Dean,_

 

_I’ve written at least ten letters since the last one I sent to you. I can’t believe how long it has been. I have a countdown now that will end on October 20th. I’ve decided that this is an acceptable day to shoot for even though you’ve never supplied an actual date. I’ve also decided not to send you all of the extra letters. I fear you’ll find me dull if I ever did share them._

 

_Will you be flying to California for the casting call? I was thinking that I could take a ride over to the mainland to meet you for lunch. I should have more resolve. I should be able to exercise patience to a greater degree, but I am all too curious about your travels and the stories that will roll off your tongue._

 

_Hannah has asked after you. She said that she misses you. More specifically she said that she missed your laugh, and how it would fill the bungalow. She also told me to tell you that she missed the way that your eyes sparkled in the sunlight particularly like they did on that day in Two Harbors._

 

_I’m doing my best to not get my hopes up, but Garth and I think that we’ve worked out a deal for the restaurant. It’s on the main street and it is spacious. I can’t buy it outright, but I can put a down payment on it. I might be able to get a loan from the bank too. Regardless, I think we’re going to do this. Maybe when you get back to the island, I’ll be able to whip up a fine meal for you from my very own restaurant._

 

_I’m going to see Hannah this weekend. If there is any message that you’d like for me to pass on to her, feel free to let me know. I can’t wait for her return. I feel as though it has been years since I last saw her. We’ll likely take a nostalgic drive up to the old filming site. I wonder if she’ll let me drive as fast as I did with you._

 

_Be well, buddy._

 

_Cas_

 

* * *

 

_Cas,_

 

_I’ll be in California on the 15th of this month. I’ll pick you up at the dock in the evening. I’ve enclosed a ticket for your passage. I hope that you don’t mind me doing that. I’ll save my stories for when I see you._

 

_Dean_

 

* * *

 

Dean considered the many ways that he could avoid flying ever again. Flying was a necessity though. The audition would be held in the afternoon, and he had to maximize the time if he was going to spend any time with Cas. He got off the plane and went home to freshen up. A quick change and a cursory glance at himself in the mirror, and he was out the door heading to the audition. It was his third call-back, so he was feeling confident.

 

The guy directing this film was nothing like Gabe though. He had far less patience, and he was a bit of a dick. Dean figured he could put on a good face though as he dealt with the man. Zachariah was anything but ideal. Dean though, just needed a good reason to live in Catalina again while he figured out a more long term plan. This seemed like his ticket back.

 

“So we really like what you bring to the table, Mr. Winchester. You have a certain charm that our other actors were lacking,” Zachariah said as Dean finished his scene.

 

“Thank you sir. So, I guess this means you’ll be offering me the job.” Dean smiled like he was feeling all the confidence in the world.

 

“Well, I’m not the only one deciding, but it is looking like that will be the direction we’ll be going. Our only hang up is that you just shot a picture in Catalina. We don’t want to have our little picture confused with Gabe’s piece.” Zachariah leaned back into his chair. Dean did his best to look like it didn’t matter at all.

 

He hummed a bit then said, “Whatever you decide...I just need to be heading back to Kansas. I’m due back on set soon, and can’t risk angering anyone.”

 

“Oh, Crowley mentioned that you were filming some small thing for a friend back home. How very charitable of you.” Zachariah got up and extended a hand. “We’ll be in touch.”

 

Dean shook his hand and made a quick departure. He was going to hate every minute working for him.

* * *

 

He was running late, so Dean drove quickly from Los Angeles to the coast and Cas. He hoped that he’d beat the arrival time. He didn’t want Cas to wait. He pulled into the parking space with a screech and shut off the engine. He bounded from the car to the pier. There were people already streaming off the gangplank. Dean scanned the rows of them for the one face that mattered.

 

Dean moved down the railing toward the other end of the waiting area. There were so many people. _Maybe he changed his mind._ Dean’s heart was pounding in his chest. He felt like he couldn’t swallow properly. He knew he looked nervous. He tried to school his expression. He raised a hand to his brow to shield his eyes from the sun. Then there he was.

 

The sunlight seemed to almost illuminate him. Dean moved toward him like some hidden force was dragging them together. Cas hadn’t seen him yet. He was glancing around at the crowds. He had a small bag slung over his shoulder. Dean smiled, because that meant that Cas understood that he’d be staying overnight. He had hoped that the ticket’s return date would be noted.

 

They were closer now, but the crowds were thick. Dean was snaking his way through them. Cas still hadn’t seen him. Dean thought about calling out, but instead he just moved until he was at his side and abruptly pulled him into a rib crushing hug. “Hey buddy. I found you.” Cas immediately hugged him back. The hug couldn’t last though, not there, not with so many people ready to judge. They parted, and Cas beamed at him. “I thought I’d show you where I live before we go get lunch. Hope you don’t mind.”

 

“I was hoping that was the plan. As you can see, I’ve over packed for just lunch.” They both laughed at Cas’ small bag and all that it implied before loping off toward the car. Dean casually set his hand on Cas’ shoulder in what looked like a friendly pat.

 

Lowering his voice for just Cas to hear, he said, “God I missed you.”

 

Cas glanced around them and replied, “I hope your home is close and empty.”

 

“It is, and I drive faster than you when I’m properly motivated.” Dean threw him a wink and was rewarded with a smile. They got in the car, and Cas tossed his bag into the back seat.

 

Cas set a hand high on Dean’s leg and gave it a squeeze. “Motivation enough?”

 

Dean choked out, “So motivated.” He started the car and they roared away from the curb.

 

* * *

 

Driving up into the hills at such speeds really wasn’t smart. They survived it though. Dean cut the engine at the top of the driveway and Cas got out of the car. For a moment he just stood entirely still and stared up at the multi-storied home in front of him. Dean came to his side. “I’ve got one neighbor ‘bout half a mile that way.” Dean waved a hand to the left. “On the other side I’ve got nothing but a giant cliff. Sometimes the gossip mongers drag themselves up to the foot of my driveway and wait to take pictures of me and anyone I have with me. They snapped a few photos of Hannah when I had her over for dinner. They don’t know I’m back in town though, so they weren’t in their usual place.”

 

“So they won’t know I’m here?” Cas asked.

 

“They won’t know. And if they do manage to show up, I’ve already got a plan for that. I am dating Hannah after all.”

 

“Could we maybe not keep up that charade while I’m here? It really is uncomfortable.”

 

Dean laughed and said, “Oh, as uncomfortable as you telling me that Hannah,” Dean over emphasized her name with a rise in his tone, “missed me and my laugh and the way my eyes looked out at Two Harbors.”

 

“Not my best work.” Cas smiled. “I have so much I want to say, and no easy way to say it.”

 

Dean’s hand fell to his back as he took a step toward the house. He guided Cas along at his side. “Well, for a little bit at least, we can say what we want, do what we want, right here.” Dean opened the door and ushered Cas in. “Welcome to my home.”

 

Cas let the bag on his shoulder drop to the floor. He gazed up at the wide staircase and the high ceilings. His mouth fell open a little. “This is how you live?” He looked at Dean then, who just shook his head. “My home was woefully inadequate.”

 

“No, it wasn’t.” Dean took a step into Cas’ space and backed him up to the wall. Dean dragged his hand up Cas’ arm to his neck, then his cheek. His thumb stroked a scratchy path over a day’s growth of stubble. “This never felt like home, but your place did. Wherever you are is home to me.” He leaned in and pressed the first kiss, light and gentle to the edge of Cas’ lips. “I auditioned with an asshole and might get a job back on the island. I am gonna hate every minute of the job, but I’m gonna love coming home.” He started to lean back in to kiss him again.

 

Cas put a hand on his chest between them. “You don’t have to take a job you’ll hate. I can be patient.”

 

“I can’t.” Dean kissed him and this time with more enthusiasm. His body was pressed up against Cas and held him against the wall. Cas kissed him back, sweeping his tongue into Dean’s mouth. He moaned into the kiss as Dean rolled his hips against him. It was clear where this was going. Dean broke the kiss and said, breathless and a little nervously, “Wanna see my bedroom?”

 

“Absolutely.” Dean took his hand then and pulled him to the stairs. Cas lifted Dean’s hand to his lips as they walked up the stairs. “I got too use to having this.”

 

They got to the room. Dean said, “Me too. I don’t think that has to be a bad thing.” They moved together to the bed.

 

“It’s not bad, just difficult. I never felt like I was alone before.”

 

Dean cupped his face in his hands. “You’re not alone, well at least not for much longer. I promise, I’m coming back. I’m gonna come home to you, and I’m not gonna leave.”

 

“How?” Cas set his hands on Dean’s shoulders.

 

“I’m a grown man, and I live where I want. I just need to finish filming with Roger. This doesn’t need to be complicated.” Dean smiled at him.

 

“But, you said that your family was depending on you. You said that you couldn’t quit.” Cas looked very concerned.

 

“I was wrong. I can quit, and I can have my damn cake and eat it too.” Dean brushed a quick kiss over his cheek. “I did some thinking since I left.” He sat down on the bed and Cas joined him. “My parents don’t need my money. Sam is gonna get married and he’s got a job lined up. I’ve got this giant house to sell. I can pick up odd jobs on the island. Stuff gets filmed there all the time. Worst case scenario, you support me with your cooking, but that won’t be necessary. I’m fairly rich.”

 

“It wasn’t an option before. What changed?”

 

“Everything.” Dean reached over and slowly began unbuttoning Cas’ shirt as he spoke. “I learned what being away from you felt like. Now that I’ve had a taste of the way life could be, I don’t want anything less. I also saw how little they really need me. My dad practically spelled it out for me. I can live there with you if you’ll have me.” Dean’s tone made his last sentence practically a question.

 

“If I’ll have you?” Cas raised an eyebrow as he repeated him.

 

“I mean, you’ve had time to think about it. Maybe we’re moving too fast, or you might want to keep this a little casual.”

 

Cas moved off the bed and shoved Dean back onto the mattress. He climbed onto him and stared down into Dean’s face with all the seriousness in the world. “I want you, in my bed, in my home. There is nothing casual about what I want from you.”

 

“I just had to be sure. I didn’t want to assume.”

 

“You told me you loved me.” Dean was attempting to unbutton Cas’ pants as he hovered over him. Cas took Dean’s hands and pressed them into the mattress just over his head. “There’s nothing casual about that declaration.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I declared it, not you.” Dean tried to ease his hands away so that he could go back to his prior task.

 

“I love you, Dean.” He waited a beat and added, “Buddy.”

 

“Asshole.” Dean leaned up a little and pecked a kiss on his chin. Cas laughed. “Hey, it worked. Better than declaring my love for your sister or something.” They both cringed a little. “You gonna keep me pinned here all night, or are you gonna let me get my hands on you?”

 

“Haven’t decided yet.” Cas smirked. “I’m rather enjoying this a little.”

 

Dean leaned up again and landed another kiss on his chin. It was almost too chaste, except that it was effecting him rather a lot. “Cas, I flew halfway across the country to see you. I have known some pretty intense sleepless nights and the joys of long showers. Now you can either let me go, or…”

 

“Or what,” Cas interrupted. “I’m stronger than you.” He leaned in and kissed him, hard and messy. He didn’t let go of Dean’s hands. He lowered his body onto Dean’s and rolled his hips against him. The friction was doing marvelous things for Dean. Cas didn’t release him. “I love you,” he breathed out when he finally broke the kiss. It was too much and not enough at the same time.

 

“Please.” Cas let his hands go and proceeded to unbutton Dean’s shirt. He let him sit up so that they could remove it. Cas took his own shirt off too, and tossed it behind them on the floor. In time they wrestled away the rest of their clothing. Dean kissed him behind his ear, down his neck, over the jut of collarbone.

 

Cas tipped Dean’s head so he could kiss him soft and slow along his jawline. He dragged his fingers over Dean’s chest. He slid his hand between them and held them both together. “Tell me what you want. Tell me how I can make you happy.”

 

“I’m already happy.” He pulled Cas to him and kissed him again. Occasionally, he’d suck in Cas’ lip and bite it just a little. “Like before, Cas.”

 

Dean shimmied up the bed. He pulled out some things that they’d need, and Cas understood. His eyes followed Dean’s movements with a predatory gleam. “You’re flying home in the morning?”

 

“We’re not talking about that. That’s tomorrow. Focus on now.” Cas gave him a little nod and pushed Dean’s legs up. He ran his hand over him, tracing out lines of muscles and miles of skin. He avoided the most sensitive spots at first. Dean knew what he was doing. He was making everything seem like it was going to last. He was extending a moment beyond this time, beyond the next moment that might feel rushed. Because tomorrow would feel too fast, and they didn’t need to do any of this quickly.

  
Cas reached out to him and cupped the back of Dean’s neck in his hand. He pulled him up into a kiss. He would take his time readying Dean’s body. He’d take his time smoothing over muscles and skin. He’d move slowly and whisper affection into each stroke and stretching move. Eventually he’d press in slowly too. They’d move together, languidly at first, like it was summer and everything was glowing with freedom. Dean held him as the pace increased. He held him through the moments that became erratic. Dean kept his eyes open, feeling the sparking sense of absolute joy that was overtaking him. And Cas would sink down to him, chest pressed to his own. Dean would slide his hands up around his back and, hushed, whisper near his ear, “I love you. I love you,” like the levee had broken that had held back those words, and nothing could be done to press them back into the silence.


	12. What He Had to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment in which we see things from Cas' perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst ahead. If you aren't ready for that wait a few chapters before reading. It stays this way for a bit.

 

They quietly enjoyed the spacious home. Dean had food stocked in the fridge so that they wouldn’t have to go out. They ate in their underwear down in the kitchen, backs pressed to the cabinets, feet hanging. Cas declared them both rather uncivilized. Dean laughed at him. They danced in the living room to some old Frank Sinatra album that Dean had stashed away.

 

Dean showed him the glories of a tub large enough to accommodate them both at the same time. Dean eventually slept. It seemed to be a heavy sleep. Cas watched him. The rise and fall of his chest, the gentle smile that lingered on his face even now in sleep made Cas feel a warm, simple pleasure. He’d never told anyone that he’d loved them, and here he was staring at this miracle. He couldn’t even count how many times he’d said the words since they’d come together in this house. He pressed a kiss to Dean’s shoulder, just slightly hoping that Dean would stir to life again. He didn’t, and Cas begrudgingly accepted it.

 

He did sleep, but not for long. When he woke, it was to the early dawn light streaming in past the curtain. He considered waking Dean up, but he still looked so peaceful. He got up and walked to the window to stare out at the world. His stomach gave a low rumble. He looked around the room for some clothes to put on. He had his boxers on, and added a discarded undershirt. He headed down to the kitchen.

 

He passed a mirror and saw his reflection. His hair was a wild, dark brown mess. His neck had a sign of Dean’s attentions. It was low enough on his neck to be easily hidden by his collar, but the undershirt was not doing a thing to cover it. The undershirt was also not his. It was Dean’s. Cas smiled at the little mark on his body, glad that he’d carry this bit of Dean home with him.

 

Cas wandered into the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge for something to eat. He eventually settled on toast and a glass of milk. He sat in the sun room—yes, this man had a room just for eating breakfast that was not his normal dining room. There were things that Cas swore he’d never understand, like how did only one person live in this giant house. He was so deep in his contemplations that he didn’t hear the door open or the visitor until he was practically standing in the room with him.

 

“Well, this is unexpected, and also not.” Crowley stood in the doorway staring at him as he spoke.

 

“Crowley,” Cas choked out.

 

“What are you doing here so early in the morning?” Crowley’s eyes raked over him.

 

Cas answered before thinking. “Dean invited me over for breakfast.”

 

“And you showed up in your boxers and undershirt?” Crowley moved into the room and hovered over the table, over Cas.

 

Cas didn’t say anything. He set down his glass of milk, that he’d been gripping way too tightly. Crowley took a seat across from him and opened up the newspaper that he had tucked up under his arm like he wasn’t concerned about a thing. When Cas finally spoke it was quiet, almost inaudible. “Will you say anything?”

 

“What should I say, Cas?” He set down the newspaper. “I keep telling him how to live his life. I keep telling him that he is going to lose everything, and he just doesn’t listen.”

 

“I meant are you going to tell the press?” Cas felt the sweat on his hands, the nervous tension running through his muscles.

 

Crowley laughed and rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot.” Then less harshly, “I won’t have to.” He waved a hand at the room and seemingly everything beyond it. “You too aren’t careful. The world will find out without any help from me. And I have no intention of giving them any of this any faster.”

 

“Thank you,” Cas said.

 

“Don’t thank me. Dean works and I get paid. It’s self-serving.” He drummed at the table with his fingers a moment. “We aren’t so different. I’m just more careful. No one would ever catch me kissing my best friend on his front porch.” He seemed to notice Cas’ look shift. “Yeah, I make wiser choices about where I kiss men than Deano here.” He leaned back into the chair a little and added, “If he wants to stay in the industry, this has to stop. You won’t be able to hide it.”

 

“Dean thinks that we can keep this private.” He didn’t know why he was sharing this, but Cas had been wanting to share his worries with someone for some time, and Crowley just shared dangerous information. He seemed safe in the moment.

 

“Dean’s wrong. Actors, directors, writers, producers, even agents like me are facing an excess of scrutiny. There’s one type, and that’s a God-fearing, American. You aren’t that, and you’re a godless commie. You know what lot our type gets tossed in with?”

 

“Will Dean get accused?”

 

“Of being a communist?” Cas nodded at the question. “I did so much damage control after the story about Benny surfaced. Thank God for Benny taking the hit on that one. It could have killed his career. He could have faced the deeper accusations. He and Andrea spent a fair amount of time in Europe after all. It would have been easy to say he wasn’t American enough or that he had connections to communists. He’s seeing a woman though, and he’s very publically affectionate with her.” Crowley sighed. “Dean’s a notorious bachelor. It would be even easier to make an accusation stick with him. They might even avoid the whole communist bit and just say outright that he has sex with men.”

 

“Has that happened?” Cas swallowed, “With others?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Someone you knew?”

 

Crowley looked away out the window. “Yes.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Stop. We aren’t friends. Don’t try to start some sentimental chick chat with me.”

 

They fell silent for a moment. Crowley picked at the edge of the paper like he might go back to reading it again. “What if Dean quits acting?”

 

“I discourage that. I like his money.” Crowley smiled a little. “Me having money was what got him out of trouble before. He doesn’t know that, so let’s just keep that between us.” Cas nodded a little. “I paid off a photographer for pictures of the kiss. I paid off the writer, and had him go vague with the details. Couldn’t get him to kill the piece despite my efforts, but at least it was not as bad as it could have been.”

 

“But if he quit, no one would be interested in him enough to care about his ways.”

 

“He’s not going to suddenly become boring to the world by quitting. If anything that might just boost his popularity. I could get him so many films if he quit.”

 

“Look, just consider it for him.” Cas looked desperate. “He needs an out.”

 

Crowley considered a moment and said, “I know he’ll do what you ask of him. I’m sure he thinks that you’re worth tossing it all over or something. It’s not all about you two though. Things are different now and he won’t always have me to bail him out of things. You care about him?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then, don’t encourage him to quit. They’ll set their eyes on him even more if he does. And you’ll be there. They’ll know why. They’ll write about it. What’ll that do to him?”

 

“He’s wealthy enough. He’ll be okay.” Cas felt confident in that. He even waved a hand at the room as if to show the evidence.

 

“Yeah, he’s doing great. How far will this money go? Could he support himself, and you for the rest of your lives? He’d have to, you know. Neither of you will get work once it comes out.”

 

“We could make do.”

 

Crowley looked a little sad then. “Could he support his family and yours too?”

 

“Why would he have to?”

 

“The world is a cruel place. You think people won’t know who your sister is? You think she’ll get work if the press finds out? You think Dean’s brother Sam will get work? I mean maybe they would if they all cut you both out. Will they do that? Will they sell their disgust to the press? That might make it okay for them.”

 

Cas played out the scenario that Crowley painted. He could see it all. It felt like he was suddenly losing it all, losing Dean, losing the life they never got to build. He knew he couldn’t get Hannah on board with any plan that sounded like the one Crowley was creating. He knew she was maybe more stubborn than even he was at his worst. He knew too that there was no one more important to Dean than his family. They needed him. It would kill him to have them put through any difficulty, especially if he felt like he was the cause of it. Cas felt his resolve caving. Moments ago he was set to fight the world for Dean. “What should I do?”

 

Crowley just looked at him with something almost like pity in his eyes. “You end things with him.”

 

“He’ll fight it.” And he knew Dean would. He’d fight and fight until Cas had no more fight left in him to resist. Cas knew he’d cave in and do whatever Dean wanted. He wasn’t sure when he’d sold half his soul to Dean, but he had, and it was his and ever would be.

 

“If you care, you’ll make it so he won’t. You care about him. You said you did. Well, if you want him to be okay, you end it. You make him think you don’t care for him, that this was some passing thing. You got what you needed, a bit of fun.”

 

“He won’t believe that.”

 

“He will.” Crowley smiled a sad sort of smile. “I know Dean. He thinks so little of himself that he’d believe that you were just in this for the fun of it all. You just have to say the right words, and make it all sound real. So, say whatever you have to say, but make him think you never cared.”

 

Cas swiped away at his cheek and his hand came away wet. “I don’t know how I’ll do that. I just told him, I loved him.”

 

“People say a lot of things. Pillow talk.” Crowley got up from the chair and folded up the newspaper. The cover story was still visible. He angled it toward Cas. “Look at that. McCarthy got another one blacklisted.” The article had a picture that showed senator McCarthy’s big, smug face. “I didn’t want to mention it, but even I’m being called in for questioning this month, and I’m careful. If you care about Dean, save him, because if I don’t make it through the questioning, who’s gonna take care of Dean. I’ve been covering for him for years. I thought he could have it all, his own little slice of paradise. If I’m gone though, he’ll have to be so much more careful.”

 

“You really think it’s going to go badly at the hearing?”

 

“Seems likely. I’m not going to go down easy though.” Crowley moved away from him toward the kitchen door, then turned back and added, “If you’re the praying type, maybe send one up for me. God stopped listening to me some time ago.”

 

He walked off toward the door. “Crowley.” Cas got up and walked toward him. He turned back to Cas. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. Just do the right thing.”

 

“I will.” Crowley walked out then, and left Cas alone with his words hanging in the air. The silence felt thick and suffocating. He felt the weight of it all pressing him into Hell. He tried to stop the tears. _Be stronger. You’ve got to be stronger than this._ He grabbed ahold of the doorframe and squeezed it. He breathed. He stared straight ahead until the world stopped wavering in front of him. “I never loved you. I never loved anyone. It was fun.” He tested the words out loud in the empty room. Dean slept upstairs, peaceful, and beautiful. “I don’t love you. It was just words. It’s what you say. Don’t make it mean something.”

 

Each moment that he thought of Dean’s face, his mouth spilling out affection with each breath, each kiss, it killed him a little to know that he’d crush that affection. Cas held himself in that moment. He felt his body shaking. He knew what he had to do. He just didn’t think he could live with himself for doing it.

 

* * *

 

When full morning was upon them, Cas wavered. Dean overslept, because Cas hadn't woken him up. Now there was rushing around the house. Dean was angry, even saying as much as he ran from room to room, gathering his stuff. “Why didn't you wake me up?” Then his voice was muffled. Then he was back in the hall, heading down the stairs. “We're cutting it so close. You could miss the ship.”

 

“Sorry.” Cas had his bag slung over his shoulder. It was easy for him. One bag, the clothes on his back, done. Dean apparently took more work in the morning.

 

Cas felt the moments slipping away. He'd decided not to do anything here, just get to the ship. There would be crowds there. Dean's words pressed past his thoughts, “Well, come on.”

 

Cas looked up and saw that he was at the door. “Sorry.” He moved past him to the car. Dean bounded over to the driver's side. In moments they were racing down the hill.

 

“I'm not mad. I understand,” Dean said.

 

Cas looked at him. “What do you mean?”

 

“Just that, if you miss the ship, we get more time. I can't miss my flight though.”

 

“Oh,” Cas didn't disagree. Perhaps he was putting off the inevitable by ignoring the time and letting Dean sleep.

 

“I'll be back so soon though. You'll hardly know I was gone.” Dean reached over them and gave Cas’ knee a squeeze.

 

Cas said, “It was a nice way to pass the time.”

 

Dean laughed. “Yeah, that's one way of putting it.”

 

Cas just stared straight ahead. In his head, everything was wrong. He felt the pain of what was coming. He felt the anger stirring in his stomach too. They were so close, so incredibly close. Dean parked and got out. Cas followed him to the ship. There were crowds and the typical hustle and bustle of travel. Dean set a hand on his lower back as they made their way through the crowds.  It was a subtle gesture, and the crowds were so thick that they’d likely not see it as anything.

 

They got to the end of the pier and Cas turned to Dean. “Well, it was nice. Take care of yourself, Dean.” Cas stepped away. He did his best to school his tone. It was cold.

 

Dean seemed to note it. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yes, I’m absolutely fine.” Cas maintained a steady stare as he said it.

 

Dean leaned in close. “You don’t have to say that. We can talk around it.”

 

“I really am fine. This was fun. I don’t get to have much of that. I mean, Garth and I went out to Two Harbors a few weeks back, but he isn’t as enthusiastic as you.” Cas kept his words low and quiet. There were too many people for a full conversation or for much of a display of any sorts.

 

Dean stood there confused for several beats. “I don’t know what you’re actually saying, Cas. If this is one of those metaphor conversations, I’m not getting it.”

 

“It’s not a metaphor. I couldn’t be any clearer. Thanks for a bit of fun. See you around.” He started to move toward the ramp to board the ship.

 

Dean grabbed his arm and stopped him. “I need you to be clearer. What’re you saying?”

 

“I’m not sure how else to say it.” Cas licked his lips a little and leaned in close. “Crowley is paying me well. He sends his regards.”

 

“Wait, what?” Dean wasn’t being quiet enough.

 

“I’m going to need you to lower your voice.” Cas glanced around.

 

“I’m going to need you to tell me what you mean?” Dean lowered his voice a little.

 

“Crowley hired me. He wanted you to be able to get some things out of your system, safely.” Cas maintained his tone.

 

“No,” Dean said. “No.”

 

“I’m sure it helped. You seem much better than when I first met you. You’re not drinking like a sailor anymore.” Cas swallowed. Dean looked like he was catching up. “We had a good time. I appreciate all of it.”

 

“So you’re saying that all of this was just a job?” Dean started to reach for him, but then withdrew his hand. “Everything you said, all of it?”

 

“Crowley thought it was for the best. I questioned it, but he seemed to think you needed something that felt real. The more convincing I was the better my payout.” Now Cas donned a smile. “Was I convincing?”

 

Dean just stared at him. The moments ticked by like Dean was just waiting for Cas to tell him that it was all just a joke, a lie, anything. “There’s no way.”

 

The ship sounded its boarding call. They both turned toward it. “Well, I have to be going. If you’re ever in Avalon, stop on by. I’d be happy to throw you a freebie.” Cas turned from him then and took two steps. He could feel every muscle in his chest seizing up. He didn’t let it show. He had to keep it up just a little longer. He could fall apart when he was home, alone in his cold bed.

 

Dean said, “I can’t believe it was all a lie. I won’t.”

  
Cas turned back to him one last time before committing to leaving. “Oh, Dean. You know the truth when you hear it. Don’t let it all mean too much. It was just a vacation. We all earned a little break. Lord knows you earned yours. Take care.” Cas didn’t turn back to him again. He didn’t look for him in the crowd once he was onboard. He couldn’t bare the thought of seeing him again now that the deed was done.


	13. Blacklisted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We return to Dean's perspective again.

 

Dean stayed where Cas left him for several minutes in a state of shock. The ship pulled away from the pier and eased its way out to sea. Dean stared after it. _It doesn’t make sense._ People waved and hollered up goodbyes. Dean scanned the rows of passengers for Cas. _He said he loved me._ He put so much stock in that set of words, words that he himself rarely if ever handed out.

 

It was more than that though. He was certain that the things Cas wrote, the things he felt when Cas touched him, carried too much intensity to be an act. He walked slowly to his car. When he got to it, he just sat at the parking spot for some minutes while the crowds left. The world grew quiet. _Crowley discouraged every bit of this. No way he’d pay Cas to put on this act._ Dean started the car. He drove toward the city. He’d miss his flight.

 

Crowley’s home was empty. His office was empty too. His secretary said that he was unavailable until the next day. He left a brief message telling him that he didn’t leave, and that they needed to talk. Dean went home. He couldn’t bring himself to leave for Kansas just yet. There were too many questions, too many fears. He couldn’t accept it as truth despite feeling a cold shiver of belief in his gut that was beginning to grow with each moment. He kept hearing Cas’ words again and again. His heart pounding in his chest was drumming out a pace that seemed to signify that he was starting to believe it was all true.

 

The house was empty. He made his way to the kitchen and found a bottle of whiskey stashed in a cabinet. He didn’t bother with a glass. His father use to drink like this when he was young. If it hadn’t been for Mary, John would have gone into an early drunken grave. Luckily he had her. Dean shuddered to think what would have come of them if John had died.

 

The memory and the knowledge of what almost was didn’t stop Dean in this moment. He needed to slow things down, take the edge off. He drank until nearly half the bottle was gone. He drank until his head felt the swimmy lightness. He eventually slumped down into a corner of the kitchen, back to the fridge and stared off at the wall. They were just in this room last night, planning and laughing. _It can’t be true._

 

* * *

 

Morning came, and with it Crowley. Dean woke to a none too gentle slap across his cheek, then another and another. “Wake up.” Crowley’s voice sounded rough and a little far away. Dean cracked open his eyes though. He was in his upstairs bathroom now. _How’d I get here?_ Crowley was lifting him a little. Dean felt his body trying to help.

 

He looked down at his hand. “My hand is bleeding.”

 

“You don’t say.” Crowley rummaged around in the space beneath the sink and brought out a first aid kit that Dean kept there. Crowley also got a washcloth and some tweezers. Dean followed the motions with a head still heavy with the night’s drinking.

 

“My mirror’s broken.” His words were a little slurred. His mouth tasted like rot.

 

Crowley came over to the tub and sat on the edge. He took Dean’s hand and, using the tweezers, began cleaning out the bits of glass that were there. “Don’t move. It’ll hurt less.”

 

Dean complied for a time in silence. When he spoke, it was a half formed string of words, an accusation delivered in a whisper. “Cas played his part.”

 

“He let me know. We spoke on the phone the other night.” Crowley dabbed at the cuts. Dean flinched a little.

 

“You paid him to act like that?” Even now after a night of replaying all of their moments and the last words Cas had said, Dean still couldn’t entirely believe it. He was still holding onto one small remaining shred of hope.

 

“You needed that. You needed to get it out of your system, otherwise you’d be throwing yourself at some other inappropriate target. The island felt like a safe place to let you have a little freedom. Couldn’t tell you outright. You’d be too proud to take the gift.”

 

“The gift?” Dean’s words were delivered in a different tone. A seriousness dripped from his body then.

 

Crowley began wrapping his hand. “You were happy for awhile. You got a kind of vacation from the real world. I paid him handsomely, I’ll have you know. A little appreciation would be nice.”

 

Dean shot up and landed a hard right hook on Crowley’s jaw. “You son-of-a-bitch.” His hand started bleeding again. Crowley laid sprawled out in the tub, legs sticking up over the side. “I loved him!” He never would have admitted it if he’d been entirely sober. Now though, he’d say just about anything. “No way he didn’t feel it too. No way in hell.”

 

“He’s as good an actor as his sister.” Crowley rubbed at his chin as he got out of the tub.

 

Dean’s legs began feeling a little wobbly. He sat back down again. Crowley stood over him and rubbed his chin. “Why did he push me away for so long then? Doesn’t make sense.”

 

Crowley didn’t answer right away, but when he did, it was with a somberness that caused Dean to look up. “I know you Dean.” He swallowed back a little. “You like the thrill of the chase. I told him that he couldn’t be easy. You’d enjoy it more. Was I wrong?” Dean’s head fell. He stared down at his hand. The blood was dripping onto his white tile floor.

 

Dean didn’t speak right away. When he answered he was quiet. “I’ll never forgive you.” He looked up then and added, “Leave.” Crowley just nodded, and turning, walked briskly out the door. Dean remained where he was, unmoving for the next hour while the words and varied moments flitted through his slowly sobering head.

 

When he could finally move again, he got up, packed his bags and left. He’d fly back to Kansas. He’d finish the job. He’d find something to drown his thoughts with.

 

* * *

 

And the seasons changed. Dean finished Roger’s film and just sort of stayed on in Kansas. His parents gave up on questioning him about his plans. Sam wasn’t there to talk to. He and Jess went home ages ago. Dean just had mostly himself and his thoughts with which to pass the time. Crowley tried to call several times. He left messages that his parents tried to pass on, but Dean just blew it all off.

 

December came on them all full force. Then January and February. Winter is no season to mend a broken heart. So Dean just kept living with it. Most mornings he’d wake up, get dressed, then sit at his window staring out at the world. There was a hint of spring time green hovering in the branches of the tree just outside of his window. He could hear footsteps making the march up the stairs toward his room. “Dean? You up?” Then there was a knock, and his door was opening. “Oh, good. You’re up.” His mother came into the room. “You got company downstairs.”

 

“Who is it?” Dean couldn’t think of anyone that would seek him out here.

 

“He’s older. He said his name was Zachariah.”

 

“Oh.” Dean stood. He was already dressed. He made his way to the door. “Was he pleasant?” Dean didn’t want to ask if he was as greasy seeming as he had been before.

 

“Well, he wasn’t rude.” Mary rolled a shoulder up into a little shrug. “You best get down there though before he starts scrutinizing all my stuff too much. I’m sure he’d find it lacking in some regard.” They both laughed a little.

 

Dean headed down to the living room. Zachariah was looking at the framed pictures on the mantle. He turned as Dean entered the room. “Ah, there you are. Good to see you.” He walked right up to Dean like they were old friends or something and took his hand. Dean let him. He seemed to wait for Dean to offer up some sort of similar sentiment.

 

“This is unexpected.” Dean let go of his hand and waited.

 

“Well, you are a hard guy to pin down. I tried reaching you via your agent, but he said that the two of you had had a bit of a falling out.”

 

“That’s one way of putting it.” Dean motioned over to one of the couches and they each took an edge.

 

“Did it have anything to do with the inquiry into his,” Zachariah lowered his voice and added, “choices in associates?”

 

Dean just looked at him. “I’m really not sure what you’re referring to. We had a bit of a falling out. I haven’t spoken with him since this past summer.”

 

“Well, we did try to reach you. We wanted to offer you the part. I’m also entirely happy to just cut Crowley out of the dealings that we have. Pretty much not even possible with him being blacklisted anyway, so the less you’re associated with him the better.” Zachariah gave him a too wide grin.

 

Dean took a moment to process that. “Blacklisted?”

 

“Well, yeah. Haven’t you been reading any of the newspapers out here? You do get newspapers here right?”

 

“Yeah we get newspapers here.” Dean knew he sounded rude. He didn’t care. There was a biting edge to his voice. “I’ve been a bit busy finishing up a film out here.”

 

“That ended in October.” Zachariah stretched a little and continued. “Well, they questioned him back in October. We all thought that it’d blow over. I mean, he’s Crowley. Nothing sticks to him. They apparently didn’t like some of his answers though. I mean, he was rather evasive. It doesn’t help that he carries himself like a bit of a…” Zachariah stopped then and abruptly changed tracks. “Doesn’t matter. Look, I didn’t fly out to the middle of nowhere America to talk about some ponce. We’d like you for our film. Can we count you in?”

 

Dean cringed a little. Zachariah had been in his family’s home for maybe five minutes and already Dean was ready for him to go. “You still filming on Catalina?” Dean really didn’t want to go back there. He needed a distraction though. He needed to fill his days with more than thinking.

 

“Part of it. We have a few things we want to shoot at the studio. We’ll do those scenes first then the rest will be shot in Catalina.”

 

“Good.”

 

“That means you’ll join us?”

 

“Haven’t heard the terms yet. You got a contract or anything?” This wasn’t Dean’s first time dealing with contracts. Normally the whole thing would go through Crowley, but even before their arrangement, Dean would run his papers by Sam.

 

“I’ll have my secretary send them over immediately for your attention.”

 

Dean got up and rummaged through his father’s desk. He came up with a pad of paper and a pen. “Actually, send it to this address. I’m gonna have my lawyer look it over, then I’ll get back to you.” Dean scribbled down Sam’s address and handed the paper to Zachariah.

 

“So, if your lawyer approves then can I assume that you’ll say yes?”

 

“Yes.” Dean raised a hand toward the door. “We’ll talk after the contract.”

 

“Sounds great. Sounds more than great. You won’t regret this Mr. Winchester.” Zachariah was all smiles as he headed out the door. Dean pushed the door closed between them and tipped his head back with a sigh.

 

“So he’s gone?” Mary asked.

 

“Yeah. Looks like you’ll be getting me out of your hair soon too. I took the job he was offering.” Dean turned to her.

 

“You don’t seem to be too happy about that.”

 

“To be honest, I thought he’d have cast someone else by now. Didn’t think they’d be interested in me once I stopped taking Crowley’s calls. I was fine with that plan. I mean, I don’t get a good feeling about him. It’s nothing he’s particularly said or done outright, but he just seems to be shifty.” Dean pushed his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels a bit.

 

“I was listening in a little.”

 

Dean laughed. “Were you now?”

 

Mary laughed too. “I was curious. He seemed to be so full of himself.”

 

“Yeah, he certainly gives off that air.”

 

“More than that, he’s course, but he tries to hide it. The things he said about your agent.” Mary’s voice tapered off.

 

“Have you seen Crowley’s name mentioned in any of the papers?”

 

“No.” Mary shook her head with the answer.

 

Dean wondered about the truth of it all. “How long has it been since his last call?”

 

“Oh, a couple of months, I’d guess.” Mary seemed to consider the question. “You think he got arrested?”

 

“Not sure. I might call him.”

 

Mary reached out and took his hand. “Would that make things difficult for you?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, if they are questioning him and thinking he’s a communist, then wouldn’t they start thinking that you were one too?” Her eyes held sudden, deep concern.

 

“I don’t think so. I don’t know. It really doesn’t matter. I’m going to call him anyway.” Dean moved toward the phone. Mary followed him and took up a spot on the wall opposite him. He dialed the number, and it rang. He let it ring several more times before he finally hung up. He dialed a different number. No answer.

 

“No answer?” Mary asked pointlessly as Dean hung up the phone.

 

“I think I’m gonna head back. I’ll check in with him, and I can also get ready for the filming to start.”

 

“Well, at least let me get you some breakfast before you go.” She gave his arm a pat as she made her way to the kitchen. “And budget in some time to talk to your dad before you go. He’s working out in the barn today on that tractor engine.”

 

“Will do.”

 

* * *

 

Leaving Kansas came with a feeling of strangeness. Dean got his bags packed and opted for train travel. He wasn’t in a hurry, so he wasn’t about to fly. His dad drove him to the station. He gave him a swift hug as he dropped him off and told him to be careful. Mary had clearly shared some details with him before she sent them off.

 

It was strange being back in a place that never seemed to know winter. Everything was sunshine bright. And though it was nearly spring, it was a different sort of spring from what he knew in Kansas.

 

Driving up to his home gave him the feeling that no time had passed at all. It had been months though. Walking through his home was like walking through a mausoleum. It was cold and vast and echoey. “Hello,” he called out, just in case his housekeeper was there. She was paid to come by once a week when he was out of town. There was no answer.

 

The house was clean and in order. Even his bathroom mirror had been repaired. He wondered what she must have thought. He wondered if Crowley had given her some story. He decided to check on Crowley first. He had been to his office many times over the years. Crowley kept a secretary that answered phones and set up the meetings. The fact that no one answered the phone was a bit troubling.

 

Dean arrived at the office an hour later. It was dark. There was no sign on the door. Dean tried to peer past the dark glass to the inside. He even knocked. No one answered, of course. He walked to the next office over. A man was sitting inside behind a desk. “Hey, there. You wouldn’t happen to know if Crowley is going to be in today would you?”

 

The guy looked nervous. “I don’t know any Crowley.”

 

“Sure you do. He was in the office next to yours.” Dean committed himself to the room a bit more.

 

“Oh him. I didn’t really know him,” he said again. “Pretty sure he’s been sent back to England or something. He wasn’t American.”

 

Dean turned to go and cast back over his shoulder, “Thanks.”

 

* * *

 

He drove to Crowley’s house and that was empty too. It looked like it had been for some time. He made a rare visit to the library and combed over old newspapers. He found some mentions of him in the _Times._ He moved on to _Variety_ and found what he was looking for.

 

_Top Agent a Communist_

 

_After multiple hearings, it has been determined that Fergus Crowley is to be blacklisted. When questioned about his affiliations with notable members of the Communist Party, he refused to answer. When asked to identify the attendees of a particularly suspicious meeting that he attended in the summer of 1951, Mr. Crowley also chose not to answer._

 

_His lack of answers to the very direct, very simple questions, can be taken as proof that he has something to hide. This makes him dangerous. Silence though is not enough to bring about long term incarceration. Instead, he’ll be blacklisted and returned to his country of citizenship._

 

_The investigation will not end with him…_

 

Dean stopped reading and set the paper down. _He’s not American, but he’s certainly not a communist._ Dean got up and went back to his car and home. When he pulled up to the front, there was a car parked there. A woman came out of his home to greet him.

 

“Dean Winchester as I live and breathe. You’ve been gone for going on a year now.” She came right up to him and hugged him.

 

“Jody Mills, well ain’t you a sight for sore eyes.” Dean hugged her back and then lead her into the house. “What’re you doing skulking around my house?”

 

“Got the key from Fergus. He wanted someone with your best interests to keep an eye on you while he was gone.” She smiled at him with the sort of affection one shares with family.

 

“You talked with him?”

 

They made their way to the living room and sat. “You heard about the mess he’s dealing with then?”

 

“A little. I found the article in _Variety._ ”

 

Jody laughed. “That nasty piece doesn’t even begin to tell what happened.”

 

“You know more?”

 

Jody leaned back into the sofa and got comfortable. “Yeah, you know Crowley and I have had, a less than ideal relationship?”

 

Dean laughed, “That’s putting it mildly.” They’d been married before, but it was brief, just long enough for him to look respectable. Jody didn’t hate him, but living with him certainly didn’t make her like him any more.

 

“We got on well enough, had lunch together from time to time. He could be charming.”

 

“Yeah, he could be charming when he wanted something,” Dean offered.

 

Jody looked wistful for a moment. “Sometimes it was more than that. Sometimes he was genuine. I feel like you and I got to see that more than others.”

 

“Maybe. Sometimes he was an asshole.” Dean took in the look on her face, “Sorry, Jody.”

 

“You kiss your mom with that mouth?”

 

They both laughed. “You know he and I had a falling out?”

 

“He told me. He felt pretty bad about it, if it’s any consolation. He said he made mistakes, and didn’t elaborate from there.”

 

Dean smoothed his hands over his pants. He hadn’t shared much of his personal life with Jody. He knew he could though, and most of the time that was enough. He knew her from her time with Crowley, and even after things ended with them, he kept up the relationship with her. He liked her level-headedness, and her friendship was one of the few good things Dean thought existed anymore.

 

“He paid someone to be with me. He thought that it would get me out of my romantic grave.”

 

“Oh god…” Jody moved closer and set a hand on his arm. “He didn’t. Even Crowley wouldn’t be that insensitive.”

 

Dean just nodded. He wasn’t sure if he’d share anymore until he did. “I thought it was love. I thought it was the end of looking.”

 

She pulled him into a hug, and he let her. “That asshole. He knows what it feels like to be betrayed like that. How could he?”

 

She let him go, and Dean asked, “Does he? Never seemed like anything could touch him.”

 

“Oh sweetie, you don’t know him like I know him.” Jody leaned back into the sofa again, but didn’t leave her spot at his side. “It was a marriage of convenience, but we were friends. He told me things, a great many things.”

 

“Like what?” Dean encouraged.

 

“Like that he only ever loved one person, but they didn’t even view him as an option. He donned a sort of cold persona to cover for the fact that he was dreadfully alone.”

 

“That’s all vague. Who’s the mystery lady that he loved?” Dean knew full well that Crowley had no mystery woman in his life.

 

“He never said who he loved. I assumed though. You don’t look at someone like that and not feel something.”

 

Dean’s brows came together a little. “Who does he look at?”

 

She crossed her arms in front of her and leveled a steely eyed stare on him. “You really don’t know?”

 

“What’re you saying, Jody?”

 

“You’re a charming man yourself, Dean. You can’t fault him for looking.”

 

Dean took that in. He was uncomfortable with the implication. He decided to move the conversation on. “Well, my aesthetic appeal has nothing to do with anything. Where’s Crowley now?”

 

“Deported. I spoke with him last week. He’s in London. He’s doing okay. He was a lawyer before he came to the States so he’ll have a livelihood. You also paid him well. He could live off of that for a long time I reckon.”

 

“He’s okay though?”

 

Jody looked away a moment. “Yeah.”

 

He reached over and set a hand on hers. “No, really. Is he okay?”

 

“They said a lot about him. It was bad, Dean. They did more than imply. They outright called him a homosexual in the public hearing. He didn’t deny it or even respond to the allegation. I told him he’d have to say something. I told him, I’d speak on his behalf.”

 

“Let me guess, he wouldn’t let you.”

 

“How’d you guess. He actually laughed at me. Said, ‘what’re you going to say, Jody? You going to describe in detail all of the glorious love making that never was?’” Jody said the last in her best imitation of Crowley’s accent.

 

“For being so self-centered most of the time, he certainly does get the prize for his occasional self-sacrifice.”

 

“I worry about him even over there. He’ll need to deny the allegations eventually.”

 

“He was always careful. I’m surprised any of it came out.” Dean felt weird even saying anything about Crowley’s proclivities out loud.

 

“Guess he was too careful. It made the wrong people notice a bit more.” She got up seemingly to go. “I need to get home. I’ll check in on you some more now that I know you’re around.”

 

“I’ll be here a bit, but I’m heading back to Catalina for a film.”

 

Jody paused, “Didn’t you just film out there?”

 

“New film, same location.”

 

Jody gave him her full attention. “Crowley got a bit drunk before he left. We gave him a bit of a send off party. Takes a lot to get him out of his head though.” Dean nodded. “He said something about you and Catalina.”

 

“What’d he say?”

 

“Said you were happy there. He said you were genuinely happy there, and he took that away from you.” Dean turned away. “What did he mean?”

 

“Nothing Jody.”

 

“Was that where the whole paying someone business went down?”

 

Dean couldn’t look at her. “Yeah.”

 

“He said he lied to you. He admitted that. Then he said he didn’t know who he felt worse for, you or someone named Cas. Then he went on about how everyone deserves to be loved, and he deserves to be loved. He’s a bit of a melancholy drunk.”

 

Dean ignored the last bit and asked, “He mentioned Cas?”

 

Jody nodded. “Yeah, he seemed to feel pretty bad about whatever it was that happened with this Cas fellow.

 

“Well he should.” Dean was done then. He walked to the door. “We should get dinner one of these nights.”

  
Before she was all the way out the door, she turned to Dean and said, “If you ever want to talk, really talk, just say the word. I’ve been told I’m a good listener and even better with the unsolicited advice.”


	14. Even After Everything

 

Dean thought later that he maybe should have taken Jody up on the offer. He didn’t talk to her though, not about anything concerning his heart or loss or even Crowley. He began filming with Zachariah in April though. It ate up most of his time. He told himself that he didn’t need to think about Cas or Crowley or any other thing. He just had to play his part and get through another and then another day.

 

Jody did drop off an address and phone number though for Crowley in London with a note that said, _Just in case you need to get in touch with him._ He saved the information and mostly ignored it. Some of what Jody said kept him thinking though, about how it all went. It wasn’t worth losing sleep over though, or so he tried to tell himself.

 

They were filming on a regular schedule. It wasn’t like it was with Gabe. There were days off and reasonable 8-10 hour days. They finished the studio work in just over a month. He told himself he was ready to return to Catalina. It had been nearly a year since he’d last been there. He’d wondered how the locals had taken to the news that the Cubs would not be returning. This directed his thoughts to Joshua too. He, after all, had a bit of an investment in the team being on the island.

 

Dean shook off that thought though. _That way lies unpleasant other thoughts._ Joshua was a genuinely good man, Dean thought, and it didn’t sit well with him that this man had raised a talented liar. Dean wondered if Hannah knew what her brother had done. He wondered also if she not only knew but approved. He had to shake that thought off too. Neither path felt at all good.

 

_Put on a smile, act like everything’s fine, and get through._

 

The journey to the island this time felt different. He wondered as the miles of ocean rolled beneath them just how likely it was that he’d be able to avoid Cas. The island was small, and the places that he’d eat and reside would be close to where Cas lived. He was certainly planning to make a solid effort at avoidance though. He couldn’t imagine that seeing him would in any way be comfortable.

 

When the ship pulled into the harbor at Avalon, he immediately collected his luggage and moved off toward the end of the pier. Zachariah was waiting there, smug smile on his face and a hand held up to his brow to stave off the noontime sun. “You made it.” He reached out and took one of Dean’s bags.

 

‘Yeah, it was a nice ride over.”

 

Zachariah loaded Dean’s bags into a car parked at the curb. “We got you a place up on the hill up there. Place use to belong to one of the Wrigleys. Well, all the island belonged to them, so that’s not really telling you so much.”

 

They got in the car and Zachariah drove up the hill at a leisurely pace. He pointed out familiar landmarks and gave Dean a history that he already knew from before. Dean to his credit just nodded and let him carry on. When they got to the house, Dean got out and gazed out on the valley and harbor below. It was beautiful, and the water was the deep blue of sapphires. “Quite the view,” Dean said.

 

“Yes, we spared no expense on your accommodations.” Zachariah motioned him in, and Dean followed.The place was spacious and nothing like the bungalow. Dean was happy with that. “Well, I’ll let you get settled in. I’ll have a driver here to pick you up in the morning. He’ll be here around 10:00.”

 

“Wow, I even get to sleep in.” Dean smiled.

 

“We don’t want to overwork you on the first day,” Zachariah said as he left. The door clicked shut behind him as he left, and Dean was left in the silence. He explored the place and poked into closets and other empty spaces. The walls had generic art, flowers painted in bright colors, ships tipped back on high waves. Eventually, once he had looked everything over and had put his clothes in the drawers in the bedroom, he ventured out to his front porch. He looked down again at the town and even let his eyes fall on the street that he’d called home for the better part of last year. A small part of him didn’t want to see Cas. A secret larger part of him wanted to see him a great deal.

 

So he watched the street as the day slowly sank into evening. And Cas emerged from his home and walked down the street. Dean followed his movements, tracked where he was going. He ducked into a building at the end of the street. Dean remembered it as a restaurant and bar. He considered going there for dinner, then tossed the idea aside. He knew he wasn’t ready for that.

 

* * *

 

Days passed, and then weeks. He gave himself a mental pat on the back for his resolve. He’d avoided Cas in every conceivable way. He had groceries delivered to his home. He only went to and from the filming site. He avoided the place that he now believed to be Cas’ place of employment. In fact he avoided all of the downtown, just to be sure.

 

After a full month had passed though, he could avoid no longer. The crew decided that they were all going to meet up for dinner in town. Dean tried to plead exhaustion, but it didn’t work. Somehow he ended up in the middle of the very restaurant that Cas had entered every day, crammed into a table full of men and women from the set. He was trying to push down the nervous twist that was growing in his stomach.

 

He noted the name of the restaurant. The Avalon Grille. It was new and popular. Zachariah was loud and full of good humor. He laughed and ordered bottle after bottle of champagne. Everyone was merry. There was not much left to do. The film had been easy to make. The plot had been simple too. Dean never once thought that it could be popular, but he didn’t care much. He’d get paid either way.

 

The evening wore on, then a familiar voice pierced past his silent contemplations. “Dean?” He looked toward the voice and found the always happy Garth staring down at him. “Well, I’ll be.” He actually leaned down to Dean in his seat and gave him an entirely awkward hug. “How long have you been back in town?”

 

Dean remembered what Cas had said before about Garth and his ‘enthusiasm,’ and he wasn’t comfortable with showing him much in the way of kindness. “Just over a month.” His tone was cold.

 

Garth didn’t seem to be picking up on it. “Well then you’ve been avoiding this place, because we would have seen you at some point.” Then he turned toward the kitchen. “I’m gonna go get Cas. He’ll want to come out and say hi.”

 

“No, don’t do that.” Dean was too late though. Garth was already away in the kitchen. Dean considered what it would look like if he just left. He would have too.

 

Then Zachariah asked, “Friend of yours?”

 

“That’s a loose interpretation. We met last time I was on the island.”

 

Garth came back over to the table. He looked upset. He came to Dean again and moved down into a crouch. “You two never resolved your old disagreement?”

 

Dean got up then and tossed his napkin on the table. “Zac,” he looked up at Dean. “Thanks for the meal. I’m gonna duck out early.” And before anyone could say a word to change his plans, he stormed out.

 

* * *

 

Zachariah gave them the next morning off. It was a good thing, because Dean used the night before to get drunk. A loud knocking at his door woke him up sometime in the early afternoon. He dragged himself from the bed, head pounding with the effort and went to answer it.

 

He opened the door and found Garth standing somewhat shyly on his doorstep. “What do you want?” Dean didn’t even pretend to be polite.

 

“I want to know what happened. I’ve never seen Cas like that, and I’ve known him for half my life. Tell me what happened.”

 

“He’s your _friend,"_ Dean said. “Why don’t you ask him?”

 

“I did. He said none of my damn business.” Garth pushed past him into the house. Dean didn’t stop him. His head was pounding out a painful rhythm.

 

“Look, I’m just here to do a job, then I’ll be out of everyone’s hair. I won’t come back. So if he’s worried about seeing me around town, I’ve been doing my best to avoid that. I didn’t know that was your place.”

 

Garth moved up close and said, “Why are you avoiding him?”

 

“Are you kidding me?” Dean practically spat out.

 

“All I know is that he was incredibly happy last summer. It was like he had finally found something worth living for. Before, he was kind of cold and miserable. I mean, we were friends so I did my best to bring him a little cheer.”

 

“Yeah, I bet you did,” Dean scoffed.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean rolled his eyes and started to turn away from him, but Garth grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him back around. “I asked you a question?”

 

“It means I bet you found all sorts of ways to cheer him up.” Dean let his eyes drop a little, the innuendo clear in his tone.

 

Garth let him go, and he took a rather large step back. “You think that I,” he seemed to struggle for words. “You think that Cas and I…”

 

“You don’t need to finish the sentence, Garth.” Dean layered each word with disgust.

 

“Look here. I don’t know where you got your stupid-headed ideas about me, but you are dead wrong.” Then he puffed himself up a bit and added, “And you owe me an apology.”

 

“I don’t owe you a thing.” Dean started to walk away, but then Garth punched him square in the jaw.

 

“Damnit.” Garth shook his hand in pain. Dean was more shocked than hurt.

 

“Feel better?” Dean asked. “Cause if you try that again, I”m gonna knock you on your ass.”

 

“You’re an ass.” Garth leaned back against the wall. Dean wondered how much longer he’d have to wait for him to leave.

 

“We done here yet?”

 

“What happened to you? No wonder Cas won’t even talk about you. You turned into some sort of a jerk.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what happened. I turned into a jerk.” Dean rubbed at his jaw a little.

 

Garth looked at him like he was trying to read him. “Probably shouldn’t tell you a damn thing, but you broke him. Took me weeks to get him back to functional.”

 

“I broke him. I broke him!” Dean’s volume rose as he moved toward Garth. He loomed over him. “I didn’t do a damn thing.”

 

Garth slid down the wall and just sat right there on the floor. “That doesn’t make sense.”

 

Dean just kept standing right where he was. “I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t do a damn thing. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I don’t really care.”

 

Garth stared up at him. “He was pretty solidly drunk most of the time. I kept trying to sober him up, cleared the house of alcohol a couple of times. He kept telling me to just leave him alone. I told him that I didn’t want to find him dead in a pool of vomit. He said it was what he deserved.”

 

Dean came down to the floor across from Garth. He didn’t know what to do with the words. _Maybe he felt guilty for taking the job. He should._ “He’s okay now though, so it was a short period.”

 

Garth pulled his knees up to his chest. “Some nights, he seems to shut out the world. I have stayed at his place a couple of times. Got his pops to do the same. We each do our parts. Whatever happened, it did something to him. He was like this after the war, after his friend died. He blamed himself. Took a long time to get him through that too.”

 

“How well would you say you know him?” Dean asked.

 

“I know him better than anyone. He trusts me. I keep his secrets, and he treats me like family.” Garth looked off to the rest of the house.

 

“His secrets?” Dean asked.

 

“Yes, the same secret you have.” Garth turned his look back on him. “So, I’m guessing you got what you needed out of him while you were filming your little movie and then you moved on.”

 

“No, that’s not what happened. Quite the opposite actually.” Dean didn’t care to explain more than that.

 

Garth just seemed to think about that for a bit before responding. “Something doesn’t add up. If you’d seen him, you’d have thought he just lost the world.”

 

“Well, maybe he felt guilty. Serves him right.”

 

Garth got up then. “I think I’m gonna make him talk to me about it. Clearly, it was more than a little disagreement between you two like he let me believe. Doesn’t make sense. You could be lying to me, but you don’t seem to be doing that.”

 

“Well, you have fun with that. I’m leaving at the end of the week. If you talk to him, let him know that I’ll stay away. I don’t want to see him anyway.” Dean got up then too. “Guess we both misunderstood some things here.”

 

“I think you might be right. Just so you don’t go on with the wrong ideas about me, I’m not like that with Cas.”

 

“I get that. He made it sound like you were,” Dean admitted.

 

“Now why would he do that?” Garth reached for the door.

 

“That right there is the million dollar question. I guess though, at the end of the day it hardly matters.” Dean held the door open as Garth walked out. “See you around.”

 

“Sounds like you won’t if you’re avoiding Cas. We’re pretty much at the restaurant together constantly.”

 

“Well then, take care.” Dean gave him a little wave and Garth nodded back. Dean closed the door between them. He didn’t even begin to know what to think of all of that.

 

* * *

 

The filming finished, and Dean bid goodbye to the island. He avoided Cas and Garth. He did his job, played his part, and got the hell out of Dodge. It was enough, and he was done. He wasn’t sure when he had decided, but he had decided to quit acting.

 

Dean wondered what he’d do with his time. He’d have to find something. He was the type to go a bit stir crazy when he didn’t have much going on. He considered going home and working the farm with his dad. It would likely help. His dad wasn’t exactly getting any younger. He wondered how long he’d be able to live back at home before that started bugging him too though.

 

Sam might welcome him. What could he do there though? _San Francisco was hardly gonna have many opportunities for an aging actor_ , he thought. A small part of him just wanted a little patch of earth to call his own, something he could till and grow something on. He wondered if that desire was just stemming from the dreams he had of building a life with Cas. He thought he might still do it. Even if Cas wasn’t in the picture, why shouldn’t he get a little ranch to call his own?

 

He found a seat at the back of the ship and watched the island grow smaller and smaller as they headed back to the mainland. He wondered too what came of Garth’s conversation with Cas. He’d wondered a lot since that conversation. He’d maybe also lost a small measure of his bitterness where Cas was concerned. If he really did feel some measure of guilt then it seemed like maybe he wasn’t the absolute worst human being ever to have existed. Dean would give him that much at least.

 

So when he got home, things were at least a little better. He made decisions. He put the house up on the market. He handed over the keys to Jody and told her he’d pay her to take care of it. She was happy to help. He went home, and decided to try his hand at farming. It was a safe enough experiment at home. After all, if he failed, at least then it wouldn’t be after any real investment.

 

He ran the idea by his parents, and they seemed to accept the plan. They pushed and prodded for more from him, wanting to know why he was making such a change. He told them in varied ways that he was tired. He just needed to find a little peace. They seemed to accept that. It was easy falling into the new life. He didn’t have an agent anymore, so no one called him for auditions. No one sent him scripts because, once again, he had no agent, and also wasn’t living at his former home. Jody forwarded all of the important stuff to him. The rest he told her to toss.

 

He thought that it might not be long before the world just forgot he existed. Then Gabe’s movie came out, and everything was Dean Winchester. Gabe was meticulous. He took his time in the editing. Dean knew that the film was going to come out, but he just didn’t realize that anyone would care about the fact that he was in it.

 

They cared. They cared a great deal. The phone started ringing for him the week before the premiere. Gabe sounded frazzled when he took the call. “Dean, you coming out to Hollywood for the premiere?”

 

“Wasn’t planning to,” Dean said.

 

“Oh, don’t be silly. You joke. Of course you’re coming out. I’m sending you a ticket. Now plan to get your ass on a plane.” Dean had to laugh at that. “It’s not funny. I can’t have my movie premiere without my main actor at the send off.”

 

“It’s just that I’m trying to get out of the industry, Gabe. I’m trying my hand at farming now.”

 

Now it was Gabe’s turn to laugh. “Okay Dean. Look, you ain’t got a choice here. It’s in your contract that you’ll show up for the premiere. Really though, I want you to be here by choice though.”

 

“Fine. Send the ticket.” Dean groaned and hung up before he could change his mind.

 

Then the press started calling. They wanted to get his thoughts on this aspect of the film and that. They wanted to know what happened between him and Hannah. They wanted to know how he’d feel about seeing her again. They wanted to know literally anything that he’d tell them. He stopped answering the phone, and started just apologizing to his parents every time it rang. “Sorry. I really don’t know how everyone got your number.”

 

“Well, we are listed,” Mary said.

 

“God mom, you can’t do that. I can’t believe you haven’t gotten more harassment.”

 

“They’ll stop once you get your own place again. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“You already want me to move out huh?” Dean watched her for a tell.

 

“Oh, Dean. Don’t get like that. I only said it because I know you. You’ll buy your own little chunk of land, and I’ll be helping you pack for it. You like your independence.”

 

“Guess you’re not wrong there. Don’t go packing me up just yet though. I’m still looking for the right place.”

 

“See, told you I knew you well.” She leaned in and hugged him. “I’m in no hurry to lose you.”

 

“Well good.” He let her go and added, “I’m flying out tomorrow for the film premiere. I’ll be back though.”

 

It was a warm moment when she pulled him back in again. “I love you, Dean.” He wasn’t sure why the moment happened or why it affected him like it did, but he felt the little pin pricks of tears starting to hit the edges of his eyes. Maybe it was the fact that it was the first time anyone had said it directly to him in what felt like forever. Maybe it was because the last time he’d heard the words, it had been Cas saying them. He wondered how long eight months could hurt.

 

“Love you too mom.” He got away from her and darted upstairs before she could notice. It felt like time held no meaning anymore. _Why can’t I just get over it?_ He got to his room and threw himself into packing. He breathed. He got himself under control. He considered what a trip back to California would do to him. He was sure that he was doomed to keep taking one step forward and two steps back.

 

* * *

 

The business of traveling and the all consuming fear of flying were enough to distract him from other thoughts. He got home and had no time to dwell. His house was still on the market, but he had a couple of offers that were promising. He came out of the bathroom to Jody sitting on his bed. “Looking good Winchester.”

 

Dean walked up to her and smiled. “Sure you don’t want a nice evening out? I do still need a date.”

 

“Nope. I don’t want to read in the papers tomorrow that Dean Winchester took his elderly mom friend to the premiere. My ego is not strong enough for that.”

 

He leaned down and pecked a kiss onto her cheek. “You are not elderly by any stretch, and I’ll fight anyone that dares say that.”

 

“Then I won’t go just to spare you that inevitability.” She laughed and stood up. “Here, let me fix your tie.” She pulled at the edges a little to straighten it. “You tired?”

 

“Haven’t slept well in days. Is it noticeable?”

 

“Not to anyone else, I’m sure. I just know you.” She brushed her hands over his shoulders. “All good.”

 

“You really won’t go?”

 

She tipped her head a little and really considered him. “What’s got you so worried?”

 

“Nothing, I just know you’re supposed to bring someone to these things.”

 

“You didn’t have time to deal with that. People will understand.”

 

Dean thought about that. He thought about who would read the articles on this event. Hannah would be there. He was sure of that. And if she was there, then surely Cas would see the piece. He didn’t want to be the pathetic guy that couldn’t score a date, especially if Cas would see it. “You’re right. I’m just being ridiculous.”

 

“Good. Now get going. Your driver’s been waiting forever.” She gave him a little push for the door and watched him as he left.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive wasn’t so long. There were things to be done before walking the red carpet though. There was a hotel across the way that they’d stop at first. It was part of the promotion side of it all. Pamela Barnes would have her room all decked out. She had interviewed Dean more times than he could count. She interviewed all the big names. She’d ask the usual questions about filming, and then he’d flirt shamelessly with her. She was always receptive. Her pieces were always kind, and he enjoyed her energy.

 

She greeted him the moment he entered the room with a hug. “Dean Winchester. So good to see you.”

 

“Good to see you too Pam.”

 

“You’re running late. I’m gonna have to cut to the chase pretty quickly.” They both laughed at that.

 

“You breaking out the hard questions tonight, Pam?” Dean took a seat opposite her chair, and then she sat too. There was a photographer who snapped a few pictures of him. Dean smiled his most charming smile.

 

She asked him the usual questions about filming and working with Gabe. Dean answered easily. Then her voice dropped low and she asked, “Can I ask you about your relationship with Hannah?”

 

“I’d rather not talk about that.” Dean swallowed. He knew that such a line of questions might be possible, even reasonable, but he didn’t want to talk about her or anyone connected to her.

 

“I understand. Can we assume though that the two of your are not a couple?” She sounded sympathetic.

 

“We are not.” Dean’s tone was dry.

 

“Well, onto different things.” She donned a smile again and said, “Rumor has it that this is your last film, that you’ve decided to become a farmer. Is that true?”

 

Dean just smiled back and said, “It’s not my last film. There are things in post production that you'll see soon enough.” Dean rubbed his hands together in front of himself. “Now, as to your second question, I’ve been trying my hand at farming on my parent’s land. I needed to see if it was for me. Turns out I’m not half bad at it.”

 

“Well, that would be a great loss to all of us, but maybe the public can convince you otherwise.”

 

Dean said, “Pam, I’m old.” She laughed at that. “Really. Acting is great and all, but it is high time I find something that really makes me happy. This isn’t it. I need to get out while I’m still young enough to find my own little slice of paradise. I’m gonna get a ranch, raise some animals, and spend the rest of my days imagining that I had everything I ever hoped for.”

 

“Imagining?” She leaned forward. “What is Dean Winchester missing?”

 

“Love.” He said it without a pause. “I had it once, and somehow the world decided I didn’t deserve to keep it.”

 

“Will you still look for it even after you quit acting?”

 

Dean smiled, got up from the interview and tossed back to her as he left, “Nah, that ship done sailed.”

 

* * *

 

The premiere was given a great deal of media attention. There were crowds formed on either side of the red carpet that lead into the theater. Dean emerged from the car and gave everyone a wave and a smile. Flashes popped, and he strolled with a certain grace toward the theater. He stopped and spoke with a few reporters and posed for pictures. A young fellow leaned in and said, “Where’s your date Mr. Winchester?”

 

Dean laughed and said, “Been working too hard to get out there and find one.” He leaned in conspiratorially and added, “Know any nice gals looking for a date?”

 

The young reporter practically choked as he said, “I think you’d have way better luck than me on that front.”

 

Dean moved on through one conversation after another. It was always like this. Then he heard a familiar name, “Hannah, Hannah Novak. One question.” Dean turned to the reporter that was shouting it and saw her. She was just fifteen feet behind him. She wasn’t alone.

 

“Ms. Novak, how does it feel to be at your first big Hollywood premiere?”

 

She was focused on the reporter. Someone was asking Dean a question, but he didn’t pay attention to them. He was focused entirely on Cas, who Hannah apparently decided to bring as her date. He took a step toward them. Then Gabe was at his side. “Dean, baby! How you doing? So glad you could drag yourself away from the fields.”

 

Cas must have heard his name, because he looked up then, and their eyes locked. Dean registered the look, the sadness that seemed to be there. It shouldn’t be there. Cas tossed him aside like he meant nothing. _He_ ended it. Dean broke the gaze and turned to Gabe then. “Well, you really gave me no choice.” He saw Gabe’s look fall a little and added, “I’m glad to be here though.”

 

Gabe smiled at that. “Well, seeing as you didn’t bring a plus one, you’ll sit with me. I’m running stag tonight too.” Dean nodded his agreement and let Gabe lead him in. They found seats near the center of the theater. “How’s life been treating you?” He asked Dean once they settled in.

 

“Good. I’m getting out of this life. I feel oddly relieved.”

 

“Yeah, this ain’t the business it once was. Your friends betray you now, and everyone thinks we’re in league with Stalin or something.” Gabe tipped his head back. “Sorry about what happened with Crowley. He was a good bloke for what it’s worth.”

 

“Yeah, he and I had a falling out before that whole business went down, but never once did I think he deserved that sort of treatment.” Dean ran a hand back up into his hair.

 

There was movement at his side and a small voice asking, “Mind if we sit with you?” Dean glanced over and saw Hannah.

 

Gabe answered for them both, “Of course you’ll sit with us.” Hannah took the seat at Dean’s side and Cas sat down next to her, avoiding eye contact.

 

“How have you been, Dean? I heard this might be your last film.” Hannah gave his leg a friendly pat.

 

Dean didn’t know what to say. “Well, after we broke up, I did a little soul searching, and decided I was still going to quit the life. I’m in the market for a ranch.”

 

Cas flinched as he said it. Dean noted it. Hannah smiled and said, “At least our breakup wasn’t horrible. I’m glad we parted friends.” She squeezed his leg a little, and he understood.

 

“Yes, we just weren’t cut out for the rest. One can always use more friends though. Tell me what you’ve been up to.”

 

Hannah talked a bit of her life and Dean listened. He noticed the way that Cas’ fingers curled into his pants near his knee. He wanted a little eye contact, an acknowledgement. When there was breath in the conversation, he leaned forward and asked, “So, Cas.” Cas turned to him a little. “What have you been up to?”

 

He waited. Cas swallowed and stared at him. Hannah elbowed him. “I started my restaurant with Garth.”

 

“Yeah, he must have mentioned that he and I had a conversation when I was back on the island,” Dean said.

 

Gabe leaned into the conversation. “You went back to the island? Who’d you film with?”

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Just this blow hard, Zachariah Adler, that thinks he’s the greatest gift to film. I almost want to make just one more movie so his won’t be the last. Told my friend Roger to delay his film’s release so he could claim the honor.” Dean laughed and added, “He might just do that too.”

 

Gabe laughed and said, “Hope he does. Zac will just harp on and on about how he scored the last Dean Winchester pic. The best will be if he does that and then your buddy just drops your true last film on the world. He’ll look like an idiot.”

 

“Well, he is an idiot, pretentious too. He shoved a guy on the set for standing in his light.”

 

“Asshole,” Gabe said. Then he remembered that Hannah was there and added, “Oh, sorry Hannah.”

 

She just laughed. “You know I’m not so easily offended.”

 

“So Cas,” Dean started again. “Did Garth tell you that he and I spoke?”

 

Cas got up suddenly. “You’ll have to excuse me a moment.” He left down the aisle quickly.

 

“Something I said?” Dean asked Hannah.

 

“You know,” Hannah started. “Things aren’t always what they seem. I tried to tell him he was a fool, a downright fool, but he wouldn’t listen. Go find him.” She nodded toward where Cas just went.

 

He heard Gabe behind him as he stood to make his way out of the aisle. “What’s that about?”

 

Hannah answered, “Friendship and idiots.”

 

Gabe laughed at that. Dean snaked his way back to the lobby. He scanned the crowds looking for Cas. He didn’t see him. He moved off to the restroom. Cas was in there leaned over the sink, his hands gripping the edges of the thing. “Cas.” Dean moved into the room. The door closed behind him. No one else was in the room.

 

“Just go, Dean.”

 

“No.” He took a step closer. “Look at me.” Cas looked at him. He looked broken.

 

“You knew I’d be here.”

 

“I did.”

 

Dean waited and reached toward him. He drew back when Cas moved away from him toward the wall. “You came anyway.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Why? Didn’t you do enough damage?” Dean felt a little of the old anger, but it was softened a little by the passage of time and his own issues of self-worth.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I told myself it was just to help Hannah out. It wasn’t. I wanted to see you.” Cas wouldn’t look at Dean.

 

“Are you forgetting how this all ended? Are you forgetting that it was you that did this?” Dean moved closer. He reached out and shoved Cas to the wall. “You!” He pushed again. “You did this. You don’t get to look sad, like I hurt you.” Dean shoved him again. Cas didn’t fight him. “You did this. You did this. Nearly a whole goddamn year, and I still don’t know how to stop thinking about you!”

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I never thought it would hurt you.”

 

Dean stepped back. “Asshole. Never thought it’d hurt me.” He moved to the door and grabbed the handle. “I loved you, and it was all a lie. Nothing mattered after that.”

 

“Dean.” He didn’t stop though. He just walked out.

  
Cas didn’t come back to the seat. Dean did though. He sat between Hannah and Gabe for the entire film. He glanced from time to time at the empty seat. He wondered how Cas could even pretend that this was affecting him. Hannah tried to corner him, ask him questions. Dean just brushed her off and left. It was hard enough without the talking.


	15. His Own Truth

 

The house sold at the end of the month. Dean stayed on in California and waited for the deal to go through. He packed with a little help from Jody. She asked after his plans and he said, “I’ll work something out.” He packed away his furniture in a warehouse that he managed to rent. It would do for now. He found a real estate agent and set him on the path of finding a ranch. Dean described what he wanted, a place for horses. He decided that he didn’t want to do much more than that.

 

He described the land, rugged, with picturesque views of the ocean. The real estate agent raised a brow with that. “So somewhere in California?”

 

“Yes.” Dean pictured it. The rugged hills, the patches of vibrant flowers that might spring up between reddish colored rocks. A small seaside town would exist somewhere not too far from the ranch, for convenience. He didn’t want the place to be too remote.

 

“Not gonna be easy to find something like that. You sound like you have a place in mind already though.”

 

“Nah, just an idea of a place. Maybe you just find the land, and I’ll build on it. That would work too,” Dean offered.

 

“I’ll keep my eyes peeled for either option.” He smiled and jotted down a few notes on a legal pad. Dean left the office with a spring in his step and a song that emerged in a whistle.

 

* * *

 

The article that came out after the premiere, the one Pam wrote, was something truly remarkable. It was your standard Hollywood promotional piece, while at the same time it was a tribute to all the work Dean had done over the years. She titled it simply, “Swan Song.” She got some comments from Gabe about the respect he had for Dean. Hannah even had a few words on how Dean had made her year infinitely better. The only part that seemed out of place was the segment that focused on Zachariah. He went on about the beauty of Dean’s “true final masterpiece” and how that film would “blow everyone’s socks off.”

 

Dean felt like it was a nice piece to have floating around out there as he ended his career. Things felt like they were wrapping up nicely. He moved into a hotel in downtown Los Angeles and waited for his real estate agent to tell him that they’d found the home he’d been hoping for. Strangely enough, he had felt better since seeing Cas again. It was something like closure, seeing him and saying what he couldn’t say before. In many respects, it all still hurt. He couldn’t think about some things. Part of the benefit of selling the house was not dealing with the ghosts of that one blessed 24 hour period where he and Cas had been together in his home.

 

The rooms there weren’t so empty anymore. He’d walk into the kitchen and see Cas there, a slice of pie in his hand laughing around a bite. He’d walk into the living room and see him stumbling through a dance, the record crooning all around them. He’d walk into his bedroom, and everything that swam through his memory there would destroy him, every time. He started sleeping in a guest room toward the end. Now at least he didn’t have to think about all that. He did though, just not in the same way.

 

The real estate agent said he had a few pieces of property that might work. Dean was ready for this. He was ready to plunk down some roots. He told Dean that they’d need to set aside a full day to explore the properties on his list. Dean was all too happy to agree.

 

It was still mid-winter, but somehow southern California never got the message. The sun was shining high overhead, and the weatherman said it would be a comfortable 75 degrees by noon. “Hey, Dean. You ready?”

 

“Yeah Mike.” Dean bounded up and out of the lobby sofa as Mike, the real estate agent, came over to greet him.

 

They shook hands and Mike guided him out to his car. He drove down the coast to La Jolla, and pointed out all the land that was available there. Dean commented on the beauty of the place, but also pointed out how it just didn’t look rugged enough. Mike shook his head like he understood. He took Dean all the way into San Diego. They cruised through the hills and looked at some land there. Dean couldn’t put his finger on it, but something was just missing there too.

 

Mike drove them back up to Los Angeles. “I’ve got one more place to show you, but it’ll take a little more effort to get there.”

 

“I’m in no hurry to be done, so let’s see it.”

 

“It really is going to take us a bit more time. How do you feel about a short boat ride?” Mike smiled and took the exit toward Long Beach.

 

“I feel like this might be a strange way to get to a ranch, but I’m interested.” They drove to the pier, and parked nearby. Mike had a friend that owned a boat. He had offered to give them a ride.

 

“So, it’s on Catalina. I was thinking that you might have some positive feelings about the place having filmed there before.”

 

“I do. One of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. Doubt you’re gonna find a place that works for me there though.”

 

“Oh ye of little faith.” He gave Dean’s shoulder a quick slap and lead him to the boat. It wouldn’t be like the smooth sailing onboard the steamer, but Dean figured he could deal.

 

“I’m going to have to buy a boat if I live out here,” Dean said once they reached the midway point. They still had an hour to go before arrival.

 

“Well, you can always fly in and out of the place.”

 

“I’m not a fan of the flying.”

 

“Well, then you will need a boat.” They rode onward. They eventually came to the dock in Avalon and got their feet on solid ground again. “Now we’ll have to be quick about checking out the land if you want to get back to the mainland before dark. Oh, and let me just say, we don’t want to even think about taking the boat back in the dark.”

 

“Aye-aye, captain,” Dean said. They wandered out to the main street that ran along the beach. It was a quiet, mid-week night. The tourists would show on the weekend, and the streets would be crowded. Dean tried to distract himself and his thoughts, but in the end, he couldn’t keep from looking over at Cas’ restaurant. It was quiet there too. The lights were on inside, and he could see movement. He hurried them past the place.

 

“We don’t have to hurry quite so much,” Mike laughed. They turned down one of the many side streets and walked up the hill a bit. “I have another friend that said he’d drive us to the property.” Mike turned to a little house and took the steps two at a time. He gave the door a quick knock.

 

“Hey, Mike. You made good time. Ready to go?” The tall blonde man stepped down to the sidewalk. “You must be that actor fellow.” He said it almost like a question as he held out his hand. “I’m Pete.”

 

“Dean.” He shook his hand and they headed across the street to his car. Mike gave him some rudimentary directions and Pete headed off up the hill. It was a steep climb.

 

Dean wondered if Cas ever drove up here anymore, now that the filming was done. He wondered too, if he ever thought about before, about them, about the little things. _It was all a lie. You’re over this._ And if he said it often enough, maybe one day he’d believe it.

 

Dean watched the land slide by in rugged shades of reddish rocks and bright green grasses and plant life. The sea glistened all along the world, and Dean felt himself falling in love with the place all over again. He sucked in a deep breath of crisp, salty air. Pete got to a little dip in the road and pulled off onto what seemed to be nothing more than a path. “This’ll take us all the way to the property line. Technically though, you’d own all the road leading into the place too,” Mike explained.

 

They got to what seemed to be the end, then Pete turned a hard sharp right. They were still on the path, only now it was winding up a little hill. They he just as suddenly brought the car to a halt. “Well, here it is,” Pete announced.

 

Dean got out and looked at the view of the ocean and the rolling green of the hills, dotted with little rock outcroppings here and there. The recent rains had given a type of springtime life to patches of flowers that grew out of the earth in vibrant reds and yellows, and purples. “Wow.”

 

“It looks just like you described your ideal place, huh?” Mike came to his side.

 

“It does. It’s perfect,” Dean admitted.

 

“I swear when I saw it, I thought this was some place you’d been to before.” Mike was grinning over the possible sale.

 

“Then you know I’m gonna buy this. Get me a good price, and set me up with a contractor. I want to make short work of this.” Dean moved back to the car. Mike climbed in beside him.

 

“That might just be the easiest sale I’ve ever had.”

 

“Shouldn’t be hard to sell someone something they’ve always wanted.” Dean just smiled out at the land, so much land. He thought he might just be able to be happy here.

 

* * *

 

He had to return to the island to meet with the Conservancy that was set up to protect the land and any new projects that were proposed. His plans, Mike felt, should be viewed as acceptable, but the Conservancy did recently work toward the removal of a small ranch not far from the land that Dean was hoping to buy. He felt some measure of hope though. If they didn’t want him to have a ranch, he’d settle for just building a house for now, and think about what could be done for a living later.

 

The Conservancy was tucked away in a small building just off the main road. When Wrigley didn’t bring the Cubs back, he at least made it clear that he still wanted to preserve and protect Catalina. He owned most of the island, and felt that the best way to keep it safe was to set up the Conservancy. He gave them some direction, and then trusted them to take care of the rest.

 

They determined what animals were allowed on the island, what types of homes could be built, what land could be altered with landscaping or the removal of trees. They were concerned about the introduction of non-native plants into the region. Dean didn’t pretend to understand it all; he just wanted to be there.

 

He walked into the Conservancy and donned a look of charm and confidence. A group of men stood near a counter, talking. They turned to him as he walked in. “Ah, Dean Winchester. Such a pleasure to see you again.” Joshua broke away from the group and walked right up to him. He took Dean’s hand and gave it a warm squeeze that would pass for a shake. “It has been too long.”

 

“Joshua, good to see you.” He glanced around at the room, and added, “Are you working for the Conservancy?”

 

“I am. Seems I did work that was of some value back when the Cubs were here. They decided that I’d be suited for this new work.” He guided Dean over to the other men and made the introductions. There was a small office in the back that they all went to. They each took a seat around the long conference table and waited. Joshua asked the first question. “So, Dean, tell us your plans.”

 

And he did. Over the next half hour he answered questions, and he went through what he hoped to do. He explained his love of the island, his hope to live out the rest of his days on it. Joshua smiled through the explanations. When he finished, he thought that he’d get a decision, but that wasn’t how it all worked. Instead they got up, and Joshua ushered him out. “We’ll get back to you with our decision in a few days,” Joshua said as they approached the door.

 

“Do you think I did okay?” Dean asked once the others had slipped back out of earshot.

 

“Yes, but we have much to discuss.” He turned back to the others. “I’m going to walk Mr. Winchester to the dock for his departure.” They said their goodbyes, and the two of them left.

 

“Do you think I’ll get approved?” Dean asked once they’d gotten halfway down the block.

 

“Can I ask you a question before I answer?” Dean nodded. “Why do you want to come back here? I thought that this place might be more upsetting than uplifting for you.”

 

Dean wondered what he knew, what Cas had told him. “There are two places in the world that I love.” He glanced at Joshua and then straight ahead on their path. “This place and Kansas. I’m not moving home to Kansas, and I want to live some place that I love. That means I need to live here. I have no bad memories here.”

 

“None?” Joshua’s tone made it seem like he did know some things, but Dean couldn’t be sure.

 

“Not a one. I’ve got some bad memories on the mainland. Sold my house just to escape them.” They walked slowly. There was no real hurry as the ship wouldn’t leave for at least an hour more. “Turns out that time has given me a great deal of perspective.”

 

Joshua hummed out a little acknowledgement. “Time certainly does do that.”

 

“You worried that Cas won’t approve of me being here?” Dean figured it would hurt nothing to just come out and ask.

 

“Perhaps. I don’t suppose that seeing you here would be easy for him. I also don’t suppose that seeing him here would be easy for you. It is strange what a person will put themselves through.” Joshua stopped at the end of the road and found a little stretch of railing to lean into as they stared out over the vast ocean.

 

“If anyone should be upset, it shouldn’t be him. I reckon that if I can be okay with the situation, he should be fine with it too.” Dean folded his hands up in front of himself in a posture that almost looked like prayer. “I don’t know what he told you, but I wanted to live here. I had plans way back when I was living in that tiny bungalow. This place was a goal, a place to get to. I may not have gotten everything I hoped for, but if I can live here, I’ll at least have something from the dream that never fully was.”

 

A little breeze blew in over the crisp blue waters. The air tasted of salt. Dean took a great big breath of it all. “Did I ever tell you about the way that Cas’ mom and I fell in love?”

 

“She tracked you down in Tennessee,” Dean said.

 

“She did, but that is not how we fell in love. That’s just the story of how we held onto it. The time between the falling and the holding on is important. A lot of people skip that part in stories. It’s just ‘we fell in love in school, got married, raised kids,’ then the small things and large things in between just sort of fall away.”

 

“Some of it doesn’t fall away. Some of it stays and crushes you,” Dean said.

 

“Some of it does.” Joshua reached over and set a hand on his arm a moment. “At least that is until we understand it better and know what to do with all the other things.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“I felt the same way when things began with her.” Joshua stared off into the distance like he was seeing her again. “Rebecca lost her husband and figured out how to keep on living. She was lucky enough to inherit some money and some land. She hired me to tend to the place. It was too much for one lady, what with two kids to raise. The place was beautiful. I tended to it all like it was my own. And for my efforts she paid me and gave me a place to live on the property. She was generous. Some people in town didn’t like that about her.”

 

“That she was generous?” Dean asked.

 

“That she was generous with someone like me,” Joshua said. “Time passed though, and I did my job. I helped her however I could. I drove the kids to school. I carried Hannah into the hospital when she broke her leg. I planted the garden in the yard, and painted the fence in the summer. I was everything I could be for them.” Joshua tipped his head down to his hands and looked a little saddened.

 

“I know they love you for it too,” Dean said.

 

“I know.” He looked up at Dean. “She started asking me in for tea in the afternoon. We’d sit and talk, just talk about our families and childhoods. One day while we were working on the garden while the kids were in school, she reached for a plant. I had been about to grab it too. We were trimming out a row with these flowering little things. Her hand brushed over mine. I swear that was the moment. I didn’t take my hand from her when she curled her fingers up into my palm. She smiled at me like it was the most ordinary thing to just be taking my hand and holding it.”

 

“Maybe it was,” Dean offered up.

 

“It should have been.” He looked a little sad again. “She let my hand go a few moments after. We finished the planting, and I went in for tea, just like always. That day though, a man from town that went to church with her, he came by to have a chat with her. He saw that I was seated at the table like an equal. He saw the tea and the way that things were. I should have gone before he came in, but I never felt like anything less than accepted in her presence. It was my mistake.”

 

“What happened?” Dean asked.

 

“Well, I fell in love with her.”

 

“I mean, what did the guy do?”

 

Joshua sighed. “He waited until I left, then he told her that she oughtn’t to have people like me in the house when she was alone. He made a point of coming out to my house before he left to tell me the same. There were threats in his words when he spoke with me, threats that he didn’t give to Rebecca.”

 

“So, you left for Tennessee then, to protect her?” Dean watched his face as he spoke, the way his eyes seemed to focus on some point far off on the horizon, like he could almost see all of the past painted there.

 

“Not that day.”

 

“You stayed?”

 

“I did. Me staying was stupid. I was a danger to her, to her kids. If I stayed, someone could have done something to make us pay for what we felt, what we wanted. I did stay though. She came to me that night. She stood on my doorstep, the moonlight on her like she was some sort of goddess just descended from some celestial place. She said, ‘I love you, Joshua,’ like it was the truest thing she’d ever said. I kissed her that night and told her the same. She was everything.”

 

“What made you leave then?” Dean asked.

 

“Being dragged out of my home. Being beaten to within an inch of my life. That was what did it. I could have stayed, made some sort of a stand, but I knew it wouldn’t end with just me. She’d be paying for all of it too. I couldn’t do that to her. I also couldn’t put her in the position of watching someone that she loved die.”

 

“So you left?”

 

“So I left.”

 

Dean let the silence linger. A few moments later and he said, “But she found you. She figured out how to hold onto you.”

 

“She found me yes, but we figured out how to hold onto each other. We couldn’t be where we were. Being here on the island made things easier. The people here were not as concerned with our ways. I could love her here. She could love me. What happened in the middle taught us to worry over the world and what it could do to tear us apart. It taught Hannah and Cas a number of lessons too. There are reasons that neither of them has chosen marriage.”

 

“Might just be that they haven’t met the right person yet,” Dean said with a shrug.

 

“It’s more than that. Maybe for Hannah it’s the timing. For Cas though, it’s the fear that keeps him from happiness. He saw the beating. He saw what the world does to those that don’t live by the rules.”

 

“But you and Rebecca worked that out. You found a way to be together,” Dean said.

 

“Yes, but he saw what I did to protect her. He saw that when their lives were in danger, I left. In some ways I think that he held onto that moment and saw it as something noble. He learned from that, that sometimes when you love someone, you leave them. You make the sacrifice that is necessary to protect them.” Now Joshua just stared at Dean like he was waiting for him to understand it all.

 

“Well, sometimes it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes you just make sure not to take a job that is going to crush someone into dust.” Dean pushed away from the railing and turned toward the ship. Joshua moved to his side to walk him the rest of the way.

 

When they got to the loading ramp, Joshua said one more thing. “I think that sometimes people lie for the best reasons in the world. They lie for so many stupid reasons too. I hope that in time, you’ll see the truth.”

 

“You could just tell me what I’m missing here?” Dean hoped for the clarity that had been lacking. Most days he thought he understood the past, Cas’ choices, and all that came of that time. Other times, he thought that none of it would ever make sense.

 

“I made promises. I can’t tell you any more. Maybe though, you’ll think about the story I told and come up with your own truths.”

 

“Doubtful, but if you approve of my ranch, you’ll be able to find me. We could have a beer, and I could convince you to tell me about the stupid things I’m not seeing.”

 

Joshua laughed, “I’m pretty sure you won’t need me to spell things out. Pretty sure you’re almost there yourself.” He reached out and clapped Dean on the back. “You take care of yourself, Dean. I look forward to seeing you back here, calling this place home.”

  
“Well, that sounds like an approval already. Let the Conservancy know that the decision has been made.” Dean laughed again, and Joshua joined him. Dean walked up the ramp onto the ship. He leaned over the side and waved down to Joshua. He replayed the story and looked for his own truth.


	16. Coming Home

 

 

The Conservancy did approve the ranch with strict rules on just how many horses he could have, and on exactly what he could do with the land. Dean was happy with the approval. He was even happy with the rules. He got a contractor and plans. He was told that the ranch would be built over a three month time period. It would be fast. He was pleased with the way things were rolling out.

 

Jody filled his remaining days with attention. She joined him for dinners, and some of the gossip rags that still cared snapped pictures. Zachariah’s film came out in March. Dean went to the premiere with Jody on his arm. He answered questions, but nothing that was too probing. The film did well, and everyone seemed to be happy enough with it.

 

Roger told Dean that he’d decided to set the release for his film just a few months later. Dean was pleased with that. He wanted Roger to have that, his last film. He was also happy with the idea that finally, he would be free of it all. With no more films slated to come out, the world might actually start ignoring his presence and just let him be.

 

From time to time, he did worry about Crowley. In March some things seemed to look up. Dean made a point of watching the news in the evenings. He particularly gave some attention to a broadcast of _See it Now_ and the work that Murrow put out. In March Murrow broadcast a piece on McCarthy. It was the first time that Dean had seen anything of any real critical sort released on him. It gave him hope.

 

He decided to call Crowley.

 

Jody had given him his number. He had no intentions of seeking out an apology or even treading down old roads. He just wanted to know that he was doing okay. The phone rang two times before he picked up. “I told you to give me an hour,” Crowley barked out instead of saying _hello._

 

“Well, hello to you too, Crowley,” Dean said.

 

There was silence, then a quiet question, “Dean?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Then a harsh, rather familiar tone surfaced, “What do you want?”

 

“Finally stopped hating you enough to call and check up on you,’ Dean said.

 

“Oh really. Well, thanks for that. I’m fine. Talk to you in a couple of years.” He seemed to rush through the words.

 

Dean stopped him. “Don’t hang up.”

 

“Look Dean, I don’t have time to walk down memory lane with you. I made a mess of things. I’m sorry about that. I really don’t think though that I need to feel any worse right now.”

 

It was a rare moment of honesty. “You heard that Murrow put out a negative piece on the senator?”

 

“Did he?” Crowley sounded like he hadn’t heard that.

 

“Yeah. Maybe more people will come out with pieces like that. Maybe in time we can get you back home where you belong.” Dean hoped he sounded positive, sincere even. He wanted Crowley to feel like he wasn’t alone in the world, that some people cared. It mattered somehow.

 

“I don’t know that I’ll ever come back. Too many betrayals.” Dean thought about that. He understood. Where Crowley wouldn’t name names, others were all too quick to toss him under the bus. Some even denied knowing him at all.

 

“Well, you can do what I’m doing, and try a different life.”

 

Crowley laughed then. “I read that you’re gonna be a farmer.” He laughed a bit more. “I mean honestly, I never could have pictured you in overalls milking cows.”

 

“Well, I’m not doing that. I’m getting horses.”

 

Crowley laughed harder then. “One of ‘em will kick you in the face. I guarantee it.”

 

“Yeah, well, I’m not getting paid for my looks anymore, so I guess they can kick away.” Dean laughed now too.

 

“You’ll be out in Kansas?” Crowley asked.

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, I thought for sure you’d set up shop next to your parents.”

 

“I bought a place in Catalina,” Dean admitted.

 

“Oh.” Crowley didn’t say anything more for a moment, and Dean didn’t fill the silence. “Guess that means that Novak told you the truth. Explains why you're calling me now too.”

 

Dean felt the words wash over him. “Yeah the truth.”

 

“For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I just thought it would be better if he ended it with you. The chances of you two getting caught, well, it was pretty high.”

 

Dean let that sink in. “And of course Cas agreed.”

 

“Obviously. I'm surprised though that he came clean. He seemed determined to keep up the charade. When I talked with him back before the assholes gave me the boot, he was pretty miserable. I told him It’d get easier.”

 

“I don't get what you were thinking.” Dean was still fishing for details.

 

“That should be obvious. I was being questioned for my _communist leanings_. I knew it'd be just a matter of time before they started looking at my associates, you especially. If you weren't careful they'd catch you with Cas. And you weren't careful. I covered for you so many times, Dean, but who was gonna cover for you once I was gone?”

 

“So you really thought this was the best way? Make me think that you paid him to be with me?” Dean sounded as exasperated as he felt.

 

“That part was his idea. I only heard about it from you once I came to the house the next day. I just told him to end things.”

 

“Interesting.” Dean fell silent then.

 

“How'd you figure it out? Did Novak even last a week?”

 

“He’s lasted about a year and a half.”

 

Dean could practically hear Crowley doing the math. Then he said, “That doesn't make sense.”

 

“We never fixed anything.” Dean waited for a response. Hearing none he continued, “This whole time, I believed it. You took everything from me.”

 

“You played me. You played me for information.”

 

“I did, and now I know.” Dean paused a beat, and added, “Maybe now I can forgive you too.”

 

The line was silent a moment, then quiet like he didn't really want Dean to hear him Crowley said, “I don't deserve that.”

 

“No one ever does. You've got it just the same.” Dean smiled a moment, the first real smile he'd felt come on him in ages.

 

* * *

 

He considered taking an immediate trip back to the island but changed his mind once he'd thought about it a little. Dean remembered what it was like in the beginning, how he'd just felt like every effort was pushing Cas away.

 

He'd waited this long. He figured he could find some sort of patience. So time passed, and summer came. By July his ranch was finished. Roger's film came out, and Dean felt a sense of elation at the neat way that everything was wrapping up.

 

There was much to do before he could move. He had a warehouse to clean out, interviews to do, and a final premiere to attend. During his last week in the hotel, he agreed to one final interview with Pamela Barnes. He spent much of his time between the conversation with Crowley and now thinking about the past and what he could have done differently. He was hurt though, and Cas was actually very believable.

 

Dean remembered how it was before, how he told himself that he couldn’t push, how he just had to wait for Cas to feel as though he could come to him. Now though, the ball was not in Cas’ court, and if Dean waited for him, Cas would never return. He felt that he had to do something, but he hadn’t been sure what. That was when he decided to agree to the interview.

 

Pam sat across from him in the hotel room, her photographer snapping a few photos of the moment. The light streamed in through the window and made everything look a little golden. “Good morning Dean,” she said.

 

He smiled and said, “Good morning to you Pam. It’s been too long.” And like that the interview began.

 

“Must be nice to have such a solid final film to go out on.”

 

“It is. Roger did a great job. Of course now he’s pushing for sequels and such. I told him no. He has Matt though. Matt would do something like a sequel.”

 

“And Matt, of course, played your brother in the piece.”

 

Dean smiled with the memory of the film flitting through his head. “Yeah.”

 

“So this really is the end of acting for you?” Pam looked a little somber.

 

“It is. I’m just not cut out for it anymore. I’m also really looking forward to settling in with my ranch and the horses. It’ll be a good change.”

 

“So you already have a place picked out?”

 

“More than that, I’ve got the whole life picked out. I’ve got so few horses to care for that I can do it myself. I’ve got a view of the ocean that’ll give me sunrises and sunsets that artists would envy and writers would write whole novels about. Only thing I don’t have is a personal chef. I can’t cook for anything, and I’ve only just realized this recently. So as soon as I get moved in, I’m going to hire someone to cook all my meals for me so I don’t starve to death.” Dean grinned at that and hoped Pam would include it.

 

“You know last time we spoke, you said that you and Hannah broke up. You also said that you were done looking for someone to love. Is that still the case? Are you really done looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with?”

 

“I’m good. I found the person for me. I’m also fine with living out my days as a single man. I don’t want anyone to worry about me.” Dean leaned forward a little. “You know that saying, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” Pam nodded, and Dean continued, “Well it’s true. I’m a better person for having been loved by this person and having loved too. I wouldn’t change a thing except the ending. I’d change that entirely. I found out recently that the end was avoidable, and I just needed to see past the moment to the truth of it all. All too often when we love someone, we make mistakes, we let them go too easily. I didn’t do enough to hang onto what I had.”

 

“Maybe there’s still a shot for you. I mean, maybe you can tell her in this interview whatever you couldn’t tell her back then. A lot of people will read this. Maybe she’ll read your words and you’ll get a second shot.” Pam looked hopeful.

 

“I wouldn’t know what to say. If things haven’t worked out by now, maybe they just weren’t meant to be.” Dean knew though that this was the moment. He tipped his head to the side like he was considering it, then said, “Maybe though.”

 

“Tell her. I’ll run it.” Of course she would. This would sell. Dean knew it would be easy.

 

“What should I say?”

 

“Tell her what’s in your heart or something. I’ll make sure it comes off smoothly in the article.” Pam had her pen poised ready to write.

 

“When we first met, we fought. I was sure that this was what deepest hatred felt like. I’d been to war, and this was something like that.”

 

Pam laughed at him. “I’m fairly certain that this will not get her back in your good graces.”

 

“Just wait. It wasn’t like that the whole time.”

 

“Okay, then how was it?” she asked.

 

“Somehow, some way things just changed. I changed. Every minute that we spent together started feeling like coming home. Even when we were fighting, I was falling. Didn’t know what it felt like to love someone like that before.”

 

“Ah, so this was a first love experience. A childhood sweetheart then?” She seemed to be eating it all up.

 

“No, nothing like that. I guess it’s true that I hadn’t loved someone before, not really at least. I cared for people. I had deep connections with people, but this was something far more intimate than all of that. It was the kind of feeling you get when you just know that you’ve found someone that feels like everything. It took most of my adult life to figure out what it was that I was missing.”

 

Pam interrupted, “And you found it with her?”

 

“And I lost it.” Dean sounded rather somber then. “I had everything so worked out in my head. I’d planned to get the ranch. We were going to live there. We’d eat dinner together out under the stars and talk of our days. We’d grow old in each other’s company in our own little paradise. I was never happier than I was then, and it’s only recently that I realized that I will be content to live out my days alone just remembering what we had.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be like that, Dean. She could come back to you.” A moment passed, and she added, “Is that why you bought the ranch that you’re moving to? Are you still hoping that she’ll be a part of that life with you?”

 

Dean shrugged, “I suppose miracles can happen. I suppose that a person could think that being apart was also what was best for me. I was so married to my work as an actor. I lived, ate and breathed that. There was always this fear, this thought concerning what I would do if I didn’t do this. I realize now, that it never had to be that important. A job isn’t more important than loving someone.  It doesn’t matter more than being there day in and day out when someone needs you. At the end of the day, all that matters is that if you love someone you don’t leave them. You stay.”

 

“Who did the leaving?” Pam asked.

 

“We both did. Funny thing though, I thought that I was the one being left behind. Turns out, I did a bit of leaving too. I didn’t fight hard enough to hold onto all of this. I didn’t do what was necessary to make it okay. I should have done more.”

 

Pam tapped her notebook. “No chance you’re gonna share a name is there?”

 

“Not even an initial.” Dean laughed and got up. “You don’t likely have enough for an article.”

 

“Oh, I’ve got plenty. It’ll likely run next week.” Pam got up too and extended a hand. “It was an honor getting your last interview.”

 

Dean shook her hand and said, “The pleasure was all mine.” Then he turned and left. With any luck, Cas would see it, and he’d know.

 

* * *

 

Dean believed that Cas had to feel like it was safe to come to him. He had to know that Dean still thought of him. Dean moved back to the island with a measure of hope. He didn’t stop at the restaurant, but he did glance in that general direction. He had hired a driver to pick him up at the dock. The ride to the ranch was nice and leisurely. Dean felt the cool, crisp air and breathed in the scent of home.

 

When they pulled up to the place, Dean’s heart stuttered in his chest. The familiar brown jeep was parked there. His driver came to a stop and said, “Looks like you already have company.”

 

Dean got out of the car and grabbed his bags. All of his possessions had been shipped over the week prior. The bags he carried now contained some of his more personal items that he didn’t want to trust to a shipping company. One of the things he carried was the carefully tied stack of letters that he’d received from Cas. “Thanks for the help. I’ll be fine now.” Dean gave the driver a quick wave and made his way up to the house. The jeep as he passed it was empty. He opened his door to find, not Cas, but Joshua instead.

 

“Welcome home, Dean.” Joshua reached out and pulled Dean into a hug. Dean let his bag fall and hugged him back.

 

“Thought you were gonna be Cas.” Dean tried not to sound disappointed.

 

“I’ve been borrowing the jeep. Sorry if you got your hopes up.” Joshua stepped aside and motioned him into his own house. “I did want to be the first to give you a welcome to the neighborhood gift though.” He lead Dean to the back of the house and the glass double doors that opened up onto the back porch.

 

“They did a really nice job on the place,” Dean said. It was the first he had seen of the ranch since the construction and landscaping had been finished. Joshua had helped with the arrangements that needed to be made for the landscaping.

 

“I’m glad you like it. I picked out all of the plants back here specifically. They should do well here, seeing as they are all native to the island.”

 

Dean shielded his eyes from the sun and really looked at it all. “I can’t thank you enough, Joshua.” On the other end of the property was the small cottage that he’d built as a type of worker’s cottage. It was a place to call home for anyone that Dean might want to keep close. “I know I have no business asking, but does Cas know that I’ve moved back to the island?”

 

“I mentioned it over dinner for the first time a few nights ago. That conversation did not go well.”

 

“Oh, how so?” Dean leaned into the door frame and waited for an answer.

 

“He said that he couldn't see why you'd come back here. He was a bit mad at me for not mentioning it before.” Joshua sighed and leaned into the opposite door frame. The double doors were open wide. Dean looked out on all the land that stretched out from his home. Joshua had clearly done so much. There was a small, potted rose bush on the porch.

 

Dean pointed at the plant and asked, “Native to the island?”

 

“Nope. That’s your welcome to the neighborhood gift. Don’t plant it in the ground, and it’ll be fine. It’s my way of saying, sometimes things end up on the island that didn’t start off here, but they belong here just the same.” Joshua smiled across at him, and Dean felt a measure of warmth in the moment.

 

“Did you explain why you thought I’d returned?” Dean dove back into the topic of Cas again.

 

“That’s not my place.” Joshua pressed his hands into his pockets and came out of the lean. He walked back into the house and toward the front door to leave. Dean followed him. “It is my place though to invite you over for dinner. I’m gonna barbeque, and it would be a shame to do that for just myself.”

 

“Just yourself, huh?” Dean followed him out to the jeep.

 

“Well, Hannah too. She’s coming to visit.”

 

“It’d be nice to see her again. It’s been awhile.”

 

Joshua clapped him on the shoulder as he got into the jeep. The window was down. “So, come on by on Sunday, say around four. We’ll visit a bit before eating. You and Hannah can get caught up.”

 

“Are you gonna invite Cas to this barbeque?”

 

“I already did. He declined. Looks like it’ll just have to be the three of us.” Joshua had been looking away down the road. He turned back to Dean. “He’ll come around eventually. He just hasn’t sorted himself out yet. Give him time.”

 

“Seems like he’s had a lot of time already.”

 

Joshua started the car. “Not really. He had a lot of time, but not the right kind of time. Now that you’re here, maybe things can be different.”

 

“Here’s to hoping.” Dean took a step back and waved as Joshua drove off. He wasn’t exactly patient. He had to remind himself that he’d only just gotten back to the island and that Cas didn’t even know that the truth was out. He considered just going to him. He considered a lot of things, but Cas seemed to be perpetually scared. He was afraid of all the ways that he could bring pain to those he loved. Dean could see that now, understood it even.

 

He, however, saw a way past it. Dean walked back into his home. He was pleased with it. It was just a little empty, and he was determined to fix that.


	17. Clarity

 

 

Cas found himself looking for him every time he went out. He thought he saw him once coming out of the post office. He thought he saw him again walking along the beach at night. He was everywhere and nowhere, just like always. Cas never stopped seeing him. Even in dreams, Dean haunted him.

 

It was worse now, though. It meant something. It meant everything. He told himself over and over that it had all been for the best. He never stopped loving him. Seeing him again at that premiere nearly a year ago had almost destroyed him. It was after that event that he told his father everything. He expected things to become awkward. Somehow he almost wanted Joshua to toss him out, tell him that he was shameful.

 

He didn’t do that though. Joshua sat him down, talked of fixing things, served up comfort like it was the most natural thing to do. Cas felt lucky to have acceptance in a world that routinely did not offer even an ounce of it.

 

And time passed from that moment, and he learned to get through each day. He learned to live and function. He learned to let old moments roll through his mind with fondness and not the dismalness of the loss. He still read articles from _Variety_ , looking for any mention of Dean’s name.

 

The restaurant was thriving. He and Garth were so successful in fact that they had to hire on additional chefs and a larger wait staff. And just when it seemed that he’d found some measure of peace, Joshua dropped a small bomb on him. “Dean is moving to Catalina.”

 

Cas thought at first he had misheard him, then he thought that it was all some sort of odd joke. “Yeah, right dad.”

 

“He is.” Joshua moved closer to him. “I’ve known for awhile, but I didn’t want to tell you. It seems to be happening now though, really happening, and I don’t want you to be blindsided.”

 

“Blindsided?” His voice rose an octave. “Blindsided? You mean like right now?” He felt his pulse race, and his hands grew slick with sweat. “Why would he do that?”

 

“Love.”

 

“No, he’s let that go. It’s been long enough now.”

 

Joshua laughed at him, and said, “You mean like you have? Yeah, I’m sure you’re entirely wrong about that assumption.”

 

“Doesn’t matter. I told you why I ended it. You know it would ruin him. It could ruin you and Hannah too. It could ruin all of us. He can’t come back here.” Cas ran his hands back up through his hair. He was angry and more than that, frustrated by all that would come from Dean’s choices.

 

“No one will ruin me. I’m a black man living on an island working as a gardener. What could they take from me here? And Hannah? She’s so well-liked…” He walked up to Cas and set a hand on his shoulder, grounding him as he spoke. “They can’t touch her. And as for Dean, what could they do to a guy that isn’t even working anymore?”

 

“They could go after his family,” Cas voiced his fears. “Dean wouldn’t choose me over his family, and I wouldn’t want him to.”

 

“The world is a mess of sorts right now. Everyone is poking into everyone else’s business. But this too shall pass. Dean is already setting up a life that won’t matter to anyone. In time, he’ll just be some aging ex-actor running a horse ranch on a tiny island.”

 

“They’ll care if I’m in the picture. That’s how it is. I’ll ruin him.” Cas sounded even more frustrated with Joshua, but he also sounded like he was trying to convince himself too.

 

“You never talk about what happened after the war. Is that what happened the last time that you cared for someone? Do you think that you were the reason that boy died?” Joshua still had his hands on Cas’ shoulders, still grounding him.

 

Cas admitted, “He died because I let him kiss me. I didn't stop him when I should have.”

 

“He died after the war right?” Joshua was piecing together the fragments that he'd collected of the truth over the years. Cas nodded. “You weren't with him. You were here.”

 

“It was still me that caused it. I carry that guilt. It's mine.” Cas shrugged out of Joshua's hold to face away from him.

 

“You should maybe try seeing things from another perspective.” Cas turned back to him. “Sometimes it's just better to be together. If I'd have thought like you, I never would have run off, clear across the country, just to be with your mom. Even now, all these years later, it was a crazy decision. It was also right. It may not be perfect here, Cas, but it's good. Sometimes you don't need perfect; you just need better, and you both will likely be better together than apart.”

 

“You didn't see him at the premiere. He's done with me. This move, it's not what you think. He doesn't want me anymore. I ruined that too.”

 

“What if you're also wrong about that?” Joshua didn't wait for an answer. He just left seemingly to give Cas some time to really think about all of that.

 

* * *

 

The days passed. Before Dean arrived, he drove up to the ranch to just look at it. He wandered the grounds that were clearly the work of his father. He noted the small cottage. It was built near the back entrance to the main house. He noticed how it looked. It was nearly an exact replica of the bungalow that he was living in. He moved toward it with some trepidation. He reached out for the door, like he feared what was beyond it.

 

He walked in to find that the layout was exactly the same as his own home. The too small kitchen was still too small. The bedroom was still wedged in behind the living room down a short hall space. He settled a hand on the wall and looked at it all. “Oh, Dean,” he whispered into the empty room. The room was more than a room. All together it was a type of shrine. It was clear that it had been built with affection as every detail was likely crafted from Dean’s memories of the place. It was more than he’d been prepared for as he drove up the mountain.

 

Seeing it broke him a little. It was not clear what he would need to do. He knew what he wanted, but he couldn’t find a way past the old fears. He left. He left and talked himself down from the moments that seemed to be on the precipice of fixing the mistakes of the past. They were his mistakes after all, and sometimes one just doesn’t know how to do anything but hold onto those things.

 

* * *

 

Joshua kept pushing in his oh-so-subtle ways. He asked if Cas wanted to join him as he drove to Dean’s ranch to welcome him to the island. Cas said no to that. Joshua even tried logic. “It’s a small island. You can’t avoid him forever.” Cas still said no. Then Joshua tried convincing him to come over for a barbeque on the weekend. Of course Dean would be invited to that too. “You can’t say no to a family barbeque.”

 

“I can, and I will. Tell Hannah hi for me.”

 

When Joshua left, he even seemed to feel the strain of their conversation. He was always so calm, so self-assured. It bothered Cas a little to have affected him like this. But he had decided what he felt was right. Plus, he didn’t truly feel that there was a way to really fix what he’d done. Dean may have built a small home that looked like the spitting image of his own home, but that didn’t mean that he still harbored feelings. Nostalgia is a strong thing. There were good memories from his time here, and the home can represent that.

 

It was a weak assumption, but Cas went with it. It was easier than believing that he had been wrong about literally everything. So he avoided every place that Dean could be. He kept to his home and restaurant, hoping that Dean wouldn’t think to come there. Even if he did though, Cas was in the back. He didn’t have to run into him even there.

 

The avoidance plan would have worked if it weren’t for the storm and Garth. It was a freak summer rain storm. Such things never seemed to happen. They said it was the tail end of some hurricane that ran it’s course somewhere way out at sea. Regardless, the winds were strong, and the rain fell in fat drops. The restaurant was empty. With no one to cook for, he closed up early. Garth helped shut things down.

 

Cas took a seat and planned to eat a small meal before heading home. Garth joined him at the table. “You read the new _Variety_ that came out this week?”

 

“No, I stopped bringing it home. It was consuming too much of my thoughts,” Cas admitted. He hadn’t told Garth everything, but he was pretty sure that Dean had told him enough given the conversation that Garth had tried to force on him the last time that Dean had come around.

 

“Well, your timing is less than ideal.” Garth slid the magazine across the table to him. “You were always looking for pieces on Dean, right?” Cas reached out and angled the magazine toward himself.

 

“On Love and Dean Winchester.” Cas read the title aloud.

 

“Yeah, it’s about you,” Garth said without a hint of humor.

 

“No.” Cas looked at him for some sign that he was lying. Garth just got up then like he was going to leave. “No,” he repeated.

 

“Surest way to find out if you’re wrong is to read it.” He turned to the door. “I’ll leave you to it.” He turned back at the door just to toss a smile at Cas and then departed.

 

Cas just stared at the magazine. The storm outside howled through the streets and made high pitched whistling noises past the cracks and poor seals around the doors and windows. He opened the magazine and turned to the article. It was a long piece. The picture was attractive. He wasn’t surprised. Dean was always attractive.

 

He read the article. He felt himself choke up a few times. It was clear that Dean was talking about him. It was clear that he was here for him. It was clear also, by the end of the article that he’d been a fool.

 

He did the only thing that he could think to do in that moment. He rushed for the door and, bracing himself against the storm, ran to his father’s house for the jeep.

 

* * *

 

He was a sopping mess by the time he got to the jeep. He didn’t offer up explanations; he just took the jeep and drove. He raced up the hill toward the ranch. The roads were hard to see, but he drove them like he’d memorized them. Dean was here for him. He’d said it in every way that he could have said it. He also said, _if you love someone, you stay._ He had so much time to make up for, so much to repair.

 

The winds kicked up harder. He slid to a stop in front of Dean's front door. The windows glowed bright. The world outside raged. Cas got out and stared at the front door.

 

_What if I'm wrong?_

 

_What if I do ruin his life?_

 

He stood there thinking of all of the worst possible outcomes. Then he hit upon the most important thing. Nothing the world could throw at them could feel worse than this time apart, nothing.


	18. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter.

 

He had been cooped up in his home all day. Dean thanked his lucky stars that the horses hadn’t been brought out to the ranch yet. Just the thought of trying to calm them in this storm seemed like an exercise that would lead to madness. He stoked up a fire instead and plunked himself down with a good book. He had enjoyed his first weeks on the island. He’d enjoyed his time spent at Joshua’s place too. Seeing Hannah again and feeling the warmth of family that came with being in their home gave him the sort of comfort that made him almost forget what was lacking. Cas.

 

He saw him walking in town one day. He avoided interactions. Dean didn’t want to make him feel like anything had to change. It would be like it had been before when Dean gave him opportunities and didn’t push for more than he was ready to give. Looking back, he realized that he did push a little. He did make his intentions rather clear. He wondered even now, if he should make more of an effort.

 

Then he remembered the article. It would be enough once it was published. Dean dug deep for some small store of patience. The storm was wild outside. The noise of it pierced the quiet peace of his home. He considered calling it a night. He closed up the book and set it aside on the end table. He stared into the fire for a few moments. Then there was a loud knock at his door.

 

It was startling. It wasn’t as though anyone ever came to his part of the world by accident. He got up and moved to the door with a measure of caution. He reached for the door and opened it. Cas was standing there, in the rain, looking like he’d swum to the front door. He wasn’t even standing on the porch where he’d be shielded from the rain. No, he was standing right in the full, brutal rain, practically drowning in it.

 

Cas held out a sopping wet magazine. “This is about me?” he shouted.

 

“Yes,” Dean shouted back over the wind and rain. He stepped out onto the porch some more, but not into the rain.

 

“You’re still in love with me, even after everything?” It was a question. Cas looked so pathetic as he asked it. His hair, flat and wet, clung to his face.

 

Dean took a step out into the rain closer to him. “Of course I do, you idiot.”

 

“You built this ranch, gave up everything to be near me?” It all still sounded like a question to Dean.

 

“Yes.” Dean waited then. He wanted to reach for him, pull him in. Cas looked like he would stand out there forever if Dean let him. “You drive up here just to point out the obvious, or do you have something to say?”

 

Cas moved closer now. He reached for Dean’s cheek. Water poured off them both, and the wind whipped with some violence around them. “I lied to you.”

 

“I already know that.” Dean tipped his head into Cas’ palm.

 

“He told you the truth didn’t he?” Cas just stared past lashes wet with rain.

 

“He did, but it was only recently.” Dean reached out to him and settled a hand on his hip.

 

“I was wrong.”

 

“You were,” Dean responded immediately.

 

“I’ll understand if you can’t take me back right away. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

 

Dean laughed then, and the rain fell onto his tipped back face. He pulled Cas in then and kissed him, in the rain, under the stormy sky, in this place that was suddenly everything. He kissed him and held him and knew that somehow, now, everything might be alright. He broke the kiss, and said, “I made us a home. I want you to come in. Most of all though, I want you to tell me that you’ll stay.”

 

He stepped back toward the door, and before he went inside, reached his hand back to Cas. A moment passed then. Dean held his breath. Then Cas stepped forward, took his hand, and said, “I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.” Dean smiled and lead him into their home.

 


	19. Close Enough to Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you for the kind encouragement. Thanks to Cathy for her editing of this chapter. She is the best. Hope the end here worked for you all. I'm now heading off to finish that DCBB that was languishing. All the best to you all.

 

Dean lead him to the hearth and let go of his hand. “Stay here and warm up. I’ll be right back.” He left the room. Cas took a moment by himself then to stare at everything. The vast space that was the living room. The large fireplace in front of him. The giant, sofa that looked warm and inviting.

 

Cas turned back to the fire and rubbed his hands together. It did little good. He was a dripping mess. There was a puddle forming around him. Dean came back a few moments later with a towel. “I’m ruining your floors.” Cas looked at the puddle with some regret etched on his face.

 

“Yeah, you sure are.” Dean laughed and snatched Cas’ arm. He started running the towel over him. It was soft and a little warm.

 

“I think I might need to change. There’s no drying these with a towel,” Cas said.

 

Dean plopped the towel on Cas’ head then and ruffled up his hair. He took it away a moment later and stepped back. “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna grab a chair.”

 

Cas didn’t know why that was necessary, but he waited just the same. Dean came back with a simple dining room chair and set it in front of the hearth. “It might get a little warm if we sit that close.”

 

“Yeah, it’s not for us. I figured we could drape your clothes over the chair and let them dry out overnight.”

 

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. I can just go home and run these through the dryer,” Cas said the words and noticed the way that they effected Dean almost immediately. Dean turned away from him and faced the fire. He braced his hands on the back of the chair. Cas noticed the way that his muscles seemed to stiffen up as Dean’s head dipped. “Dean?” He moved toward him. He set his hand on Dean’s back. “What’s wrong?”

 

“You said you’d stay right?” Dean still didn’t look at him.

 

Cas parsed that. He could see now what this was. “I wasn’t thinking.” He moved his hand off Dean and began unbuttoning his shirt. Dean still did not turn around. Cas removed his shirt and moved back up to Dean. He pressed his chest to Dean’s back and wrapped one arm around his waist. He held the shirt in front of them both as he hooked his chin over Dean’s shoulder. “Here,” he said as he pressed a kiss into Dean’s shoulder. “Hang it up for me.”

 

Dean turned to him a little. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”

 

“You didn’t. I just need to get use to the idea that this is home, that you meant stay forever, starting now.”

 

“I’ll understand if you aren’t ready. It probably feels like a lot to wrap your head around. So much time apart, then all of a sudden, here I am saying, live with me, stay.” Dean turned more toward him. “It must be overwhelming.”

 

“It’s not. I just have a hard time believing that you would want to be with me. It shouldn’t be this easy. I betrayed you. I lied to you. Doesn’t matter that I thought it all for the best. I shouldn’t be rewarded for that.”

 

Dean slid his arms around him now. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Cas’ forehead. “Maybe don’t think of it like that then. Maybe just think of it as us both getting the life we both wanted.” They held each other like that, and minutes passed slowly by. “I never stopped caring about you.”

 

“You should have. I was an asshole.”

 

Dean laughed into Cas’ hair. “You were an asshole when I first met you too. Didn’t stop me then, so why should I be any different now?”

 

Cas just smiled at him and rolled his eyes a little. He said, “I scoured _Variety_ every time that it came out just to find any news of your life.” Dean tipped his head to the side and considered him a moment. “Guess I didn’t stop thinking about you either.”

 

“Glad I did that interview then.”

 

“Yeah.” Cas pulled Dean’s shirt free of his pants and slid his hands up under it. He soaked in the warmth of Dean’s skin, the moment that just a few hours ago wasn’t even a possibility. “Whenever Hannah came home, I’d ask about you. I thought I was being subtle. She told me that I wasn’t. I suppose she’ll be happy to hear of this development.” He kissed the juncture between Dean’s neck and shoulder.

 

“We’ll have to decide how much to share, and how much to explain away with lies.” Dean began unbuttoning his shirt. He stepped back from Cas and pulled it off. He set it on the chair next to Cas’ shirt. He kicked off his shoes and knocked them out of the way. Cas did the same. They each dealt with their pants. Dean had to get a second chair for them.

 

“My family already knows pretty much everything,” Cas said.

 

“Mine knows. Well, Sam knows a lot even if he and I talk around it. Same is true for my mom and dad. They aren’t comfortable talking about it all, but they love me and want me to be happy.” Dean pulled Cas too him. “Sam wants to meet you.”

 

“Oh.” Cas’ word was more a response to the added physical contact than to what Dean was actually saying. Dean rolled his hips against him a little, creating a bit of friction. “I’d like that.”

 

Dean hummed a little as a response and leaned in to kiss him. The time for talking seemed to be done. Cas felt himself drowning in the contact, in the all-too-solid flesh and warmth of Dean. He thought that there might not be a better way to perish. He savored the sweep of Dean’s tongue in his mouth, the feel of his day’s growth of stubble, the tender kneading of Dean’s fingers along his back.

 

He had always been a little afraid of letting his heart find freedom. Now though, he couldn’t and wouldn’t change a thing about the direction they were going. Cas pulled Dean to the sofa. He sat first and the view was fine, just fine. Dean stood in front of him a moment longer and just stared. Cas pulled Dean down to him. “Not sure what you are angling for, Cas,” Dean popped a kiss on him, quick and done.

 

“Just,” Cas didn’t finish, but laid back onto the sofa. “Come here.”

 

Dean seemed to figure out what might work. He crawled up onto Cas and knelt over his lap, one leg on either side. Cas dragged his fingers over him in encouragement. Dean swooped down to his chest and began kissing a trail up to Cas’ neck. “I missed you,” he murmured into Cas’ skin.

 

Cas raked his hands over Dean’s scalp and said, “I missed you too.” And it seemed that they’d be content like this, their bodies pressed flush to each other. Dean rolled his hips and Cas met the effort with his own. The world outside still raged with wind and rain, but here it was warm and good and safe. He’d taste him on his lips every night now if he could.

 

Dean angled his hand beneath Cas then, hauling his body up a bit more. It was better that way; the angle somehow gave them more. The weight of Dean on him, the joy of his body warm and real and here, was all that he had dreamed over these so many months apart. Cas felt his stomach tighten, a coiled knot of long-building emotions almost ready to give way. Dean seemed to know. He rolled his body in stormy waves against him. The momentum was building.

 

He was happy, finally happy, and he had just gotten comfortable with the idea that he’d never know that feeling. And here was Dean, biting his bottom lip in concentration, looking for all the world like he didn’t know that there was anything in existence apart from them and this, and this was perfect.

  
Cas pushed up from the sofa a little and pulled Dean’s face to his own. He kissed him, sucked in his breath, making it his own. He mumbled incoherently into Dean’s mouth, something of love and want and good so very good. He didn’t want any of it to end, but he was unsurprised when it did. With a shake and startled gasp, he fell back flat again. Dean pressed down against him and continued to roll his hips until he too was gasping and muttering want and need into the shell of Cas’ ear. The slow lingering kisses that came after, boded well for what might come after this night, after this moment. He remembered what Dean had written to him before. He remembered what he said he wanted. And now, here, they were finding that reality. Cas lay in Dean’s arms, looking forward to tender years of closeness in a place that wasn’t really heaven and wasn’t really earth either but somewhere in between and close enough to perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for any kudos you feel like leaving and any kind words. You can also find me on Tumblr under the name [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/)


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